We had a lot of fun in the limo on the way to my brother's wedding. I decided to morph into my alter-ego, the World's Most Bootleg Rapper -- Da Hogsta!

Yeeeeeeeee-ah! That's me rockin' the gold aluminum foil fronts, borrowed sun glasses, my pimp lavender tuxedo that I 100% own (until I have to return it to Tony's Tuxedo World on Monday), mad gangsta-azz roses and a $12 bottle of Champizzagne!

Forget gold, let's rock the PLATINUM joints! (AKA silver aluminum foil that our bagel sandwiches were wrapped up in. Thanks mom!)

Hell yeah! Bet you never saw a a gangsta azz rapper rock the Champagne AND bottled water at the same time!! Yeah I roll with my Bootleg Crew! That's me with DJ Q-Pon.

And don't think I didn't have mad bitches up on my rented discount tuxedo pants! Check out my 2 dates!

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn! They're so hot, looks like they came right out of a magazine!

Stoooooooooooooooooooooooooopid.

The bridesmaids were looking at us like we were crazy. But it wasn't long until they got crunked up, too!

Oh snap! You didn't know a little Jewish girl from the suburbs could be so gangsta!  We call her Long Island Ice-T.

You heard of the rapper Chamillionaire? Well this is my man straight out my Bootleg Camp Clik... Chathousandaire!

Ya know, wearing aluminum foil over my teeth really made them hurt. I think they cut my gums, too. Ouch! Waaaaaaa! I don't wanna be bootleg-gangsta anymore!

Okay, back to my normal HogWild mode:

NOTE: That is actually the face I make when I see boobies.

The wedding was amazing. Well, actually the food was amazing. The wedding was a wedding. I mean, it was cool and all but how crazy can it get when Grandma Harriet is watching me the whole time asking me if I tried the cantaloupe?

NOTE TO GRANDMA: Yes, I had the cantaloupe. Yes, it was delicious.

The cocktail hour had so much incredible food it made me have to reset before dinner.

So I'm resetting and I'm like, "Uh-oh. This is gonna be niZasty!"

WARNING: Poop story below. Skip if you are squeamish, female, or over the age of 12.

Okay, so I'm on the bowl in my tux... sweating. All I'm gonna say is that if cream cheese was brown and yellow... that would describe what squished out of my butt.

NOTE: I am laughing so hard right now!!!

NOTE: I am a true idiot.

So anyway, after I successfully reset, I was STILL so full I could only eat 2 dinners after that.

I KNEW I shoulda brought my Tupperware! (I told you I'm bootleg.)

What REALLY sucks is that I already returned my tuxedo... because I forgot to remove the filet mignon I had in the jacket pocket.

The ceremony was really nice. I could tell my brother and his new bride really love each other. I actually started getting some weird moisture accumulating in my eye. Then... BAM!!!

Cousin Stanley stands to take a picture and knocks over this huge pedestal that was holding a bouquet of flowers.

And it was even FUNNIER the SECOND time he did it! Yes, really!

I gave my little brother a toast. I used the opportunity to apologize to him. When we were kids, our parents drove us from New York City to Disney World. I was bored in the car and he wouldn't wake up to play with me. So to entertain myself, I bounced a ball on his head all the way from New York to South Carolina. (He's a really heavy sleeper.) To this day he still has a throbbing headache.

*** GIRLS ***

When you go to the wedding of a family member, it's kinda hard to pick-up girls. So I approached each girl with the same sincere opening line, "Hi! Are you related to me?"

Ya know, just in case.

One unrelated girl made a disturbing observation. She said, "I could never wear white at my wedding. Because LORD KNOWS I'M NOT A VIRGIN!"

Wow. No guy wants to hear that. Stupid or not, we want to have the illusion that the girl we like is somewhat pure. She could have just said, "I'm not a virgin." That's cool. Let's leave it at that. But when she adds the emphatic qualifier, "LORD KNOWS!!!!" I start getting some sick images in my head.

I think when girls say stuff like, "I am soooo not a virgin." The longer the sooooo is.... the more guys she's mounted.

I do the "so" math.

Example:

GIRL: "I am so not a virgin." = 3 different guys

GIRL: "I am soooo not a virgin." = 8 different guys

GIRL: "I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not a virgin!" = Paris Hilton.