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R.I.P. Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist

A Going-back-to-a-more-conservative-Time Line

"Habeas Corpus" (1924-2005)

Judge Rehnquist Jokes & Funny Pictures

by HogWild and Paul Dean

Supreme Court Chief Justice William Hubbs Rehnquist: A Life in Review

His conservative legacy includes a stance against a woman’s right-to-choose, right-to-vote, and right-to-wear-long-pants.

He was in favor of racial segregation, in favor of school prayer, in favor of the death penalty, and surprisingly in favor of UPN’s Monday night prime-time lineup.

Chief Justice Rehnquist went out at the top of his game, doing what he loved most: judging others.

1924 – Baby William Hubbs Rehnquist born. Refuses mother’s breast. Considers it indecent.

1931 – On the playground, feels he is unfairly named “it” when clearly, he was not tagged. Despite his cogent explanation, a larger boy “over-rules” him and administers him wedgies. Vows he will never be over-ruled again.

1937 – Young Rehnquist horrified by Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs wears women’s clothes in an attempt to fool Elmer Fudd.

Defends Mr. Fudd’s right to bear arms and right to hunt. Strongly against Mr. Bunny’s prominent display of homosexuality and cross-dressing. Little does Rehnquist know that he will spend most of his adult life dressed in a silky black gown.

1938 – Rehnquist discovers his emerging sexuality; his mother admonishes him for incessantly banging his gavel.

1943-1945 – Rehnquist serves in WWII.  His lengthy and well-reasoned legal arguments bore the German war machine into submission.

1946 – Rehnquist suffers from post-war flashbacks of nocturnal emissions involving Mae West pinup posters. Wakes up in the middle of the night to bang his gavel.

1952 – Graduates first in his class from Stanford Law School -- simply will not shut up about it.

1952 – While clerking, writes legal memo in favor of segregation in the landmark Brown v. Board of Education.  Later defends self: "Guess you just had to be there."

1952 – On bended knee, he proposes to his sweet heart with the romantic words, “In order form a more perfect union…”

1953 Marries Natalie Cornell. Finally bangs his gavel in a woman’s chambers.

1971 - Nixon nominates Rehnquist to the U.S. Supreme Court while cackling manically to himself in his forsaken mountaintop castle.

1973 Women’s lib has hit the Rehnquist household. Wife demands that he cook dinner for a change. His objection is over-ruled in the landmark case: Help-Out-Around-Here v. No-Sex-For-A-Month

1976 Arab Oil Embargo-- Rehnquist attempts to solve the crisis with his forehead drippings.

1981 - Sandra Day O'Connor appointed to Supreme Court.  Rehnquist comments how nice it is to have a little lady around to tidy up the courthouse.

1984 – Rules on the Sony Betamax Case; quickly rushes home to tape “Murder, She Wrote.”  Bangs gavel to Angela Lansbury.


1985 - Meager Supreme Court salary supplemented with part-time faith-healing job


1986 – After a distinguished legal career and 14 hard years serving the Supreme Court, Rehnquist is finally bestowed the honor of Chief Justice. 

In 2005, John Roberts will be promoted from middle-aged nobody to Chief Justice in the span of 2 months. Outraged Americans denounce this poor convention; it should be reserved for Presidents only.

1989 – Judicial Branch rendered impotent. There will be no more gavel banging.

1991 - Clarence Thomas appointed to the high court: given separate, but equal chamber.

1996 – Rehnquist further closes the separation between Church and State when the Virgin Mary is seen in the liver spots on his head.


1999 – Replies to unsolicited email espousing the benefits of a certain wonder-drug. Court is in session! Bangs gavel.

1999 -- Rehnquist becomes the 2nd chief justice in U.S. history to preside over a presidential impeachment -- that of President Bill Clinton, who was acquitted.

Rehnquist cites testimony of Monica Lewinsky, having always been sympathetic to a strong oral argument.

Nov. 7, 2000 – Forgets to vote for President.  Makes up for it later.

Dec. 12, 2000 – Takes law into his own hands. Bangs his gavel.

Mar. 2003 – Texan anti-sodomy statute is argued before the Supreme Court.  Rehnquist launches his own unorthodox investigation into the case: his undercover research into gay bathhouses is considered extremely unnecessary.     

Oct. 2004 – Initial ruling in Rehnquist v. Cancerous Thyroid decided in favor of the plaintiff.

Jan. 2005 – Rehnquist loses an embarrassing case in Dignity v. Bowel Control; loses several more appeals; retains counsel of Depends™ brand undergarments.

Aug. 29, 2005Hurricane Katrina devastates any chance that the public will care about Rehnquist dying. Additionally, Jude Law ruled more important than American Law as his tabloid scandal buries Rehnquist in the headlines.

Sept. 3, 2005 --  Rehnquist makes closing arguments. Mom would be proud. He dies wearing clean legal briefs.

Sept. 7, 2005 – At funeral services, Clarence Thomas pours out a little liquor for his dead homey, delivers the eulogy in the form a freestyle rap while eating KFC, all while wearing an excessive amount of jewelry.

Thomas notes, “That’s how he saw all us black folk, anyway.” Then in the same spirit of satire, he shines his own shoes and tap dances on Rehnquist’s grave.

Rehnquist’s conservative ally Justice Scalia becomes emotionally choked-up while delivering warmer final words, “He’s not really gone. It’s just a brief recess...”

Oct. 2005 – Rehnquist eternally cosigned to Hell — in a close 5-4 afterlife decision 



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