As you can see from the photo of me above, I believe you should drink plenty of "sports drinks" while exercising, or laying on the beach, or doing your math homework.

Fat people love the beach. I don't know why. Maybe it's because when they enter the ocean they feel like they're back where they belong. And they can let water spout freely from their blow-hole.

Man, I saw the fattest black lady in a bathing suit.  It was an 8 piece.  Her ass looked like a chocolate wedding cake.  Her stomachs were affecting the tide. She had a refrigerator light in her throat. She needed rubber bands to remind her where her wrists and elbows were supposed to be. She had plankton living on her back. She had a speech impediment because of the bag of Oreos stuck in her mouth. She sneezed a milkshake. But I admire her.  She knew people would stare and point and hide their children.  But if you’re fat, so what? You gotta be who you be!  You gotta be proud. Tattoo it on one of your chins: I like to eat!

Lots of you girls are stressing about how to lose weight in time for your bikini debut.

If only losing your belly was as easy as losing your boyfriend! Then all you'd have to do is tell your belly that you want to get married and have kids ASAP. Then nag your belly to take out the trash. Constantly ask your belly where it's going and why it didn't call you. "Belly, why don't you talk to me anymore? Why don't you take you me on a vacation?"

Don't want your belly hanging out? Then forbid your belly from "hanging out" with his buddies at bar.

TIP: To appear thin, go to the beach with your fat friend.

NOTE: If YOU are the fat friend, go to the beach with a walrus.

*** FOR MEN WITH MOOTERS (Male Hooters) ***

Instead of going to the beach shirtless, rock the old school black one-piece outfit work by professional wrestlers.

Get mooter-reduction surgery. Donate the leftovers to flat-chested women in need.

Jumping jacks are a great workout. And you'll be reminded of how much MORE work needs to be done as your bouncing mooters slap you in the face.

*** IS SEX GOOD EXERCISE? ***

According to my girlfriend... no. She said to me, "Sorry. But to be effective, aerobic activity has to last more than 60 seconds."

ABOVE: I am soooo ready for bikini season dude.

Girls, if your arms were dinosaurs, would they be Tricepaflops?

Did you know that you can tone your arms just by giving hand-j0bs! The "old standard" position flexes your forearms... but if you stand in front of your man with your back to him and reach back to cock his pistol (pun totally intended), it's a great workout for your triceps and shoulders!

*** 1 DAMN GOOD REASON TO EXERCISE ***

Some people, we'll call them fools, STOP exercising once they are in a long-term relationship because they don't feel the pressure to look good anymore. But it's not about that. It's about being healthy. Healthy enough to out-live your mate. Think about it. Do you want to die first and have to sit in heaven and watch your loved one banging all these random people? Gross! That's why YOU have to stay alive longer. So YOU can live long enough to have sex with other people.

*** TRY LIQUID DRANO FOR YOUR BUTT ***

Did you know that over the years your colon gets clogged with up to 40 pounds of poo! You need to flush it out. Why go to the doctor for an expensive $18,000 colon cleansing procedure when you can clean your colon out the bootleg HogWild way for under $7!

Purchase a food item from your local Taco establishment.

Stick food item on top of your television.

Retrieve food item from top of television after 13 days.

Throw out food item. What? Did you think it would be that easy? Instead, eat something much more volatile to your system: Indian food.

Wash down the Indian food with a cocktail concoction I call the "Colon Scraper."

Mix 1 liter of hot sauce with the jelly that comes in a jar of gefilte fish. Throw in that creepy white cube that floats in the can of baked beans. With a squeezer-thingee, squeeze a large onion until all the onion juice is out. Now drown the entire thing in soy sauce.

Don't drink any of that. What? Did you think it would be that easy? Instead, look at a picture of Star Jones naked.

Quick, run to the bathroom!!!