JUSTIN: Gooooooooooooooalllll!

So it’s been four years (roughly the amount of time since HogWild’s been laid) and it’s time for the 2006 FIFA World Cup. 

HOG:  I get plenty of action, buddy! If the World Cup really only happened whenever I "scored a goal", there would be a World Cup tournament once every 6 months! Ha! So there!

JUSTIN: Yes, even though Soccer is just slightly more popular than the WNBA in America, all the yanks are getting geared up to cheer for the home team in Germany. 

HOG: A note to everyone in the world: the last time we cheered for the home team in Germany, America defeated the Nazis and saved the world from evil and vegetarianism! USA! USA! USA!

JUSTIN: The only problem is that despite a number 5 ranking in the world, this year's Team USA has more trouble scoring than a Frat boy at a Liz Phair concert. Not to mention that the bracket of teams that US is in is stacked like Denise Richards. 

 

ABOVE: This is what happens when you get distracted by Denise Richards.

HOG: How the hell does the USA rank 5th in the world for soccer? Since we're doing analogies... the U.S. ranking 5th in the world for soccer is like a dog without his testicles -- fixed!

They must have done that to trick us into thinking we have a good team so we would watch the games on TV. Yeah, right! I don't care if we're ranked 1st in the Universe, I'm still not watching because watching soccer is as exciting as watching the paint dry on Clay Aiken's fingernails!

Everyone knows the best part about soccer are the hooligan fights! To make soccer more interesting, I think the fights should follow the same rules as the rest of the sport. No use of hands! In fights, there is only kicking and head butting. That would be cool!

JUSTIN: What’s worse for the Americans is that after getting spanked by the “Czechety” Czech Republic 3-0 in their first game, the odds are against them to even make it to the second round of the World Cup.  Especially since in order to advance they must beat a highly regarded Italian team and then follow that up by beating the overachieving Ghana team. The problem is that the US is far from a dominant team. We’ve got the talent, but as far as the World Cup goes, we’re like HogWild to Brazil's Chi Ali.

HOG: I am STILL proud of the fact that I hit the ball against future rapper/murder convict Chi Ali in Little League!

HOG: Let me tell you about the rankings I care about. It's a ranking where the USA is 1st, Italy is 8th and Ghana is 77th. G.D.P. Gross. Domestic. Product. That's right, it's the 2006 World Cup of Economics! And America is ranked #1! USA! USA! U.S.A!

NOTE: We also rank #1 in G.D.O.P. -- Gross Domestic Obese People. USA! USA! USA!

JUSTIN: The good news for the US team is that no matter how bad they do in the World Cup, most Americans won’t hold it against them for the simple reason that it’s just hard for us to get into a sport where third world countries are handing our national team their ass.  I mean the Czech Republic is a tiny country in middle of Eastern Europe yet when they were on the field with the Americans they were scoring goals like Pelé at a youth camp! 

HOG: Where the hell IS the Czech Republic? Didn't they used to be Czechoslovakia? Which was part of Yugoslavia? Which split into Slovikiwikipediastan and Chechynarmeniawithnuclearweaponsistan? I miss a simpler time, when we could classify all of these countries in 1 word: Commies.

JUSTIN: Seriously, what the hell is the deal with AMERICAN SPORTS?  First we get our ass kicked in Olympic Basketball and end up with a Bronze Medal.  Then at the Winter Olympics, we didn’t even manage to win one game in the entire tournament.  After the US had yet another disappointing showing and didn’t even make it out of the second round in the World Baseball Championship.  Didn’t we invent that game??? 

And now after all that, the US is in danger of getting blown off the field in the World Cup without even scoring a goal.  My God, what has happened to American sports???

HOG: I'll tell you what happened! Commies. See, back in the good old days of brutal communist-dictatorial regimes, we had motivation to kick some Commie-butt in various recreational sports such as Track & Field, ice hockey and space exploration.

But now, we have no #1 enemy. If Osama bin Laden had a team, I guarantee you we would get hyped up and our best players would pull together and kick his team's butt.

But right now, we don't hate any particular country. In fact, the American people mostly feel like apologizing to other countries for the things our government is doing. That's why we are losing. To make other countries feel better. It's like we're a girl and we really want that hunky guy named China to like us and spend money on us. So we let him win at some dumb sport. Who cares?! Because in the end, he's buying us a nice dinner and a bootleg Louis Vuitton handbag!

JUSTIN: I swear the only thing that keeps me from jumping off the top floor of the Empire State Building (other than I could give a sh!t about Soccer) are the fans.  No, not American fans, because as far as I can tell they’re nonexistent in Germany at the moment. 

No, the thing that keeps me going are the Brazilian soccer fans and I’m not talking about the dudes!  

For Brazilian women, the World Cup is like “Carnival” with a soccer ball.  Just imagine a stadium filled with insane hot bodied Brazilian chicks and you’ll understand why these other countries go NUTS for soccer! 

Being a soccer player in European countries is like being Dwayne Wade in the NBA because you’re going to have a ton of girls wanting your body like Oprah wants ice cream. 

ABOVE: In the stands at the FIFA World Cup, German girls get called for Illegal Use of Hands. American Women -- we need YOU to make us like soccer, too! So, please start groping each. Do it for your country.

It’s no wonder the Brazilian team is favored to win the World Cup.  If you had a crowd that looked like Girls Gone Wild cheering for you, wouldn’t you play harder??? 

HOG: Yeah, I would play hard! I'd be very hard, indeed.

JUSTIN: So whether you care about soccer or not tune in just to scan the crowd!

HOG: I might have done that back in the day... before they invented a much easier way to look at hot bims... F.N.P. (Free Net P*rn.) Now there's a sport I can watch!  It's just as good as soccer because you still get all the action of heading balls... but unlike soccer, there will be a lot of scoring!