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My Ex-Girlfriend Hits on Baseball Star David Wright + the Simon Cowell Sex Tape?


Baseball Jokes + Twisted Humor

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Justin Sanders with HogWild

JUSTIN: We might have a New York baseball Subway Series! 

Before all the New York fans start gloating too much let me just say that the Yankees and the Mets have a combined payroll of over $300,000,000! 

With that kind of money you could finance Whitney Houston’s cocaine habit, feed Somalia or if you really loved baseball you could field 6 entire teams and still have $39 million dollars to spend on Cristal and b!tches. And by b!tches I mean female puppy dogs.

HOG: Okay, dude. Let’s remember that your Texas Rangers spent almost that amount on ONE player! And where is Alex Rodriguez now? On the Yankees! That’s right, baby!

JUSTIN: Here are some other team payrolls:

Tampa Bay: $35 million
Florida: $15 million
Kansas City: $47 million
Milwaukee: $57 million
Arizona: $59 million
Pittsburgh: $46 million

HOG: This is because the owners of these teams are cheap bastards.

Since revenue-sharing kicked in, the Yankees PAY every other team in baseball! And what do these other teams do with the money? The owners pocket 99% of it and spend the other $5.30 on Joe McEwing.

It just so happens that the NY teams have owners that really want to win. So they are willing to spend the necessary money.

Why own a baseball team if you are too cheap to operate it? 

The whole point of owning a sports franchise is to show off! It’s something for multi-billionaires to talk about when entertaining on their super air-craft carrier yacht.

SNOBBY RICH DUDE: Ah, good to shee you Wembley! I shee you arrived in that shame old helicopter. Ishn’t that the Eurocopter AS 350B-2? The 2003 model! When are you going to recycle that old peesh of junk?

SNOBBY RICH DUDE 2: Splendid seeing you again as well, Remington! I figure, why foolishly waste money on a new toy when I could be financing my new 45,000 seat gem of a baseball stadium. I was thinking of naming it after someone I really admire… me!

JUSTIN: I cant wait until Jay-Z buys the Texas Rangers and Beyonce throws out the first pitch!

JUSTIN: But before anyone starts crying about how life ain't fair, let me say that Chicago Cubs, Houston and Atlanta all spend money like a dock worker at a strip club.  Meaning, they get their money and then throw it away on bad prospects that don’t pan out. But on the bright side, all of those teams have beautiful ballparks with comfortable seats to catch the opposing team’s home run balls.

HOG: HA HA HA!!! Well the Atlanta Braves had an impressive run of 313 straight division titles and in that time they did win 1 World Series titles. Damn, that’s like feeling great because you went out on 313 dates with hot chicks! But then you feel like a loser because only 1 of those girls would let you into her batter’s box.


JUSTIN: My team, the Texas Rangers Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. 

HOG: Don’t you think you’re over-estimating your team? Let’s be real here. The Rangers reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

JUSTIN: For anyone thinking the Texas Rangers have a shot this year...  The Rangers manager, Buck Showalter, got suspended 4 games for orchestrating a bench clearing brawl by telling his pitchers to throw at Angel batters. 

During his suspension, the Rangers beat the Detroit Tigers (who have the best record in baseball) three out of four games. 

Showalter comes back and they immediately lose three straight to the cellar-dwelling, bottom-feeding Tampa Bay Devil Rays. 

Where else in the working world would this make sense? 

If your boss got suspended from work for putting lap dances on the company credit card and while he was gone sales went up and the company stock tripled... do you think he would have a job when he came back?

HOG: Yes. I believe this is the premise that got President Bush into the White House.

JUSTIN: As for the Mets, the best thing they have going for them is that they play in the National League. The National League is like the American League’s little brother. They try hard, look up to their American League counterparts and after they get their butts kicked, the American League just tussles their hair and tells them to try harder next year.

HOG: You’re totally right. And I think, just like a good big brother would do, the American League should give the National League a head start in the World Series. Every game, the National League starts with 5 free runs.

JUSTIN: Still, I refuse to discount the Amazin's title hopes just yet because no matter how much one league dominates the other, when it comes to the championship, it all comes down to who wants it more. 

If you don’t believe me, just ask the damn Dallas Mavericks who are still putting ice on their ass from the thumping they got from the “weaker” league Miami Heat. 

HOG: Poor Justin and his sucky Texas teams.

JUSTIN: The Mets have solid pitching with Tom Glavine and Pedro Martinez (when they’re healthy) and veterans like Steve Trachsel to hold down the fort when they’re not healthy.

HOG: The Mets ancient starting pitching is being held together with denture glue. Tom Glavine lost feeling in his left hand, Pedro Martinez has arthritis in his hip, and Steve Trachsel can only pitch 5 innings because he goes to bed by 8 pm.

JUSTIN: On top of that, the Mets have a line-up that runs the bases with shortstop Jose Reyes and then cranks them out of the park with power hitters like David Wright. 

HOG: One of my ex-girlfriends contacted me to tell me that she went to Nobu (ultra-fancy NYC restaurant) and sat at a table across from David Wright. Then she tells me how he had some hot girl with him. But she still tried to send him a drink.

Man, that’s the power of being a celebrity athlete. Girls NEVER approach me. But if you’re a famous baseball player, a girl will embarrass herself in a fancy restaurant EVEN IF YOU’RE ALREADY WITH A GIRL and buy YOU a drink!

Now THAT is the kind of stuff that motivates a player to 30 home runs! They might as well rename the All-Star Team the All-Stud Team.

My theory is that there are about 100 athletes in the country having sex with 90% of the women in the USA. Wilt Chamberlain alone had sex with the entire population of Pennsylvania! Yes, including the Amish babes!


JUSTIN: The Yankees had to actually try while half their team was out with injuries but as of right now they’re hotter than a reality show internet p0rn tape. 

HOG: Wow. Are you telling me there is a tape with American Idol's Simon Cowell naked? I wonder if Simon criticizes the women while he has sex with them.

Simon Cowell: Your v@gina is INCREDIBLE in its mediocrity. And you flop around like a fish out of water. You nearly made me spill my tea!

JUSTIN: With savvy batters like Bobby Abreu working pitchers into deep counts, over-the-hill pitchers like Randy Johnson finally catching their stride and Derek "I had sex with Mariah Carey and Jessica Alba" Jeter having an MVP season both on and off the field, the Yankees are hitting on all cylinders.

And if you don’t believe me just go to Boston and dig up the corpse of the Boston Red Sox, shake it and I guarantee a Yankee cleat will fall out of its ass. 

HOG: The Red Sox have a habit of paying $700 billion dollars for new players but not rewarding their own. They let Pedro Martinez go to the Mets and Johnny Damon go to the Yankees. These guys are proven winners. So instead they sign a new outfielder who is named after a bowl of cereal, Coco Crisp.

I think the Red Sox should assemble the all-breakfast outfield of Coco Crisp, Darryl Strawberry, and Jim Rice (Krispies).

JUSTIN: On top of having great teams, both the Mets and the Yankees have solid managers. This has become a rarity in baseball. 

The Mets have Willie Randolph who continues to make all the right moves with an aging pitching staff and a deadly lineup.  

The Yankees have Joe Torre who has all the calm and confidence of Marlon Brando in The Godfather. It’s like he knows he’s got the best hand and all he’s doing is just waiting to throw down his full house. His teams don’t show a lot of emotion but they win games and get the job done and if you don’t believe me just look at the rings on his fingers and count the championships, paisan.

HOG: A Subway Series would cause some good Godfather drama, too. Because Willie Randolph worked for Joe Torre as his 3rd base coach for 10 years before leaving him to be the Mets manager.

At the World Series…

Willie kneels and kisses Joe Torre’s World Series ring…


JOE TORRE: I gave you a job. I gave you everything! And this is how you repay me?!!! By trying to embarrass me in front of my New York family?

WILLIE RANDOLPH: No disrespect, Godfather. I just needed to go out on my own.

JOE TORRE: I should have never trusted a Moolie!

WILLIE RANDOLPH: Why you stupid Guinea geezer! I hope you choke on your ravioli!

Then a race riot breaks out and Yankee Stadium turns into the final scene of Scarface. Everyone is butchered except for the Asian players who have been minding their own business. Or was it, MASTERminding their own business? This was their plan all along to take over Major League Baseball… mwuuuu-ha-ha-ha!!!


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My Ex-Girlfriend Hits on Baseball Star David Wright + The Simon Cowell Sex Tape? Funny pictures + Twisted Humor.   
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