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Hi Hog,

There's this boy and even though I deny it, I've been crazy about him since last year.

We aren't exactly the best of friends, but we are friends and we did make out once, though nothing resulted from it.

We talk every day. The problem is that even though I've told him over and over that I don't like him, still, I know deep down all I really want to do is fall asleep with him next to me, because he's everything I ever wanted.

So, I've been trying to change things about myself, like my hair, style, and personality flaws, in hopes that he will want to be with me, too. I'm afraid that I can't match up to the type of girls he's been with so far. They are all stunning, not that I'm hideous, but I am not extremely skinny like them. Should I call it quits or do you think I stand a chance?

- L

Hog's Relationship Advice:

I think you should quit.

Not just quit with this guy. But with all guys. You should quit and become an elderly lesb!an nun with 102 cats who writes love-letters to Pat Sajak.

No! Don't quit! Quitters never win. And winners never quit.

What you need to do is spark attraction. You need to make him desire you. You need to make him lust for you.

But before we get to that, let's talk about your first problem.

Don't change yourself for others. Make changes for yourself.

Changing for others is a dead end. Because you can't be all things to all people. There will always be people who don't like you for whatever reason. That's their problem. Screw 'em! Be confident in who you are.

NOTE: Unless you are a really mean Kindergarten teacher with bad breath and a uni-brow who yells at the children. Then it's you who is the problem, Mrs. Shalaba!

NOTE TO SELF: Stop having childhood flashbacks while writing.

I am a big believer in self-improvement. Make yourself more attractive because YOU want to feel more desired. Make your personality more outgoing and fun because YOU want the feeling of being more connected to people.

If you show people that you will morph yourself into whatever they want, then they will use you. It's one thing to be flexible. It's another thing to change yourself into something you are not.

Have a backbone! Stand up for your rights! Fight for your right to paaaaaar-tee!

NOTE TO SELF: Stop listening to old-school Beastie Boys while writing.

In a good relationship, the other person teaches you. You grow with them. This can mean that you change. But it's a change that you WANT to make. Not a change that you feel forced to make to keep them.

Remember this: nothing is more non-seductive than trying hard to please.

Not caring what people think wins you respect.

Not-caring-what-people-think in a good way:

"I like to dress this way and I don't care if some people don't like it!"

Not-caring-what-people-think in a bad way:

"If I want to pick my nose and eat it, then that's my business! There are people starving in Africa, I'm NOT gonna let these tasty little salty green snacks go to waste!"

NOTE: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwww!

Okay, now to the fun part.

How to win a man:

One big word: Ego-gratification.

People want to (big word #2) aggrandize their egos. Dudes like hot chicks because they're hot. Duh. But ALSO because when they go out in public with a hot chick they feel like "The Man!"

Girls like dudes who are awesome because they can show him off to their girlfriends and they will all be jealous of her. It's a great feeling.

You want inflate a man's ego. Make him feel great about himself.

But it must be sincere. People can see through fake flattery like you can see through Paris Hilton's white t-shirt with no bra.

How to Win a Man:

Step 1: RAH RAH RAH! Be in the Range of Acceptable Hotness. (RAH)

I've been with girls of different shapes and sizes. Thick and thin. Tall and short. But I've NEVER been with a girl that I considered to be outside the range of what I personally consider attractive.

"Attractive" is very subjective. What I think is attractive some other guy might not.  What I'm saying is, your choice of relationship partner is a reflection of yourself. You will not be with someone who you don't think is a good reflection. I won't ever be with a girl who is obese. And I won't ever be with a girl whose face resembles a brain-damaged rodent.

So #1: You need to be in his RAH.

Girls have all sorts of tricks to look more attractive. It's not about being skinny. It's about your curves. Your ratio of hips to waist to breasts. You want curves. Not one big curve that looks like circle. You don't want to be blobby. You want to look healthy.

How to look hotter immediately:

* Wear clothes that show off your good parts and hide your problem parts.

Example: If you have a gut, for the love of God, don't wear jeans so tight that your gutski is hanging over your belt.

There's a reason that padded and push-up bras are so popular. Work that cleavage, girl!

Wear heels. They make your legs look more toned and they give shape to your booty.

NOTE: Keep it classy. Don't wear clear heels. Don't wear heels with with blinking lights. Don't wear 6 inch heels.

NOTE TO HOOKERS: The previous note does not apply to you.

* Use make-up GENTLY. Accentuate. Learn how to use cosmetics. Most guys prefer a girl who wears no make-up as opposed to girls who look like a 3-year-old did a finger painting on her face.

* Get in shape. Go the gym. Work out. Stop eating crappy disgusting fast food. Eat healthy.

Do the work-outs that will help your curves. I don't care about a girl's biceps. Yoga is a PHENOMENAL work-out. It is intense and you see the results quickly. It tones you and bonus: makes you more flexible. Ooooh, yeah!

When a girl improves her looks, guys DO notice. Big time.

Step 2: Learn how to be sexy

Very few girls are truly sexy. Being sexy is an art. Sexy is not about jiggling your hooters.

NOTE: I'm not putting down girls who jiggle their hooters. Guys pay good money to see that!

Sexy is about the way you carry yourself. Can you tease a guy and drive him wild?

Do you have "a look" that can make a man's temperature rise?

NOTE: By "temperature" I mean "meat thermometer."

NOTE: By "meat thermometer" I mean "pen!s."

NOTE: And by "pen!s" I mean his "happy-spanky yankee doodle-doodad."

Can you make yourself look vulnerable?

Study and copy famous women who you think are sexy. Notice how they walk. How they pose. How they use their eyes and lips.

Personally, I love a confident woman who makes herself vulnerable to me. Like, she's strong against the world, but when she is with me, she trusts me to take care of her and she can let her guard down. She lets me lead the way for her.

A girl who lets me aggressive. See, the key is "lets." Allows. Because as the female, you really hold the power.

What makes a girl sexy is her personality.

A girl who can express herself sexually without inhibition but without over-powering the man.

* Loyalty is sexy.

* Softness is sexy.

* A sense of humor is sexy.

NOTE: When I say that a sense of humor is sexy, it does not mean you should laugh while having sex with him. This will send him to therapy.

So how do you seduce someone?

The person has to be wanting something that they don't have. They have to feel as if they are missing something. And that YOU can provide it.

For example, if this dude is bored, he may crave excitement and adventure. Can you give this to him?

If this dude is feeling like his life is out-of-control, can you offer him stability?

You can not seduce someone who is totally content and happy.

If this guy is content and happy, you must wait. Be patient. Wait until he beings to complain. Then you hint that you can offer him what he is missing.

I can hear you whining, "But I don't want to wait!"

Okay. But I'm warning you. This next tip is eeeeeeeeeeeeeee-vil!

What you can do is DELIBERATELY instill feelings in him that he is missing out on something.

How do you do this? By talking about the all the exciting things you do.

For instance, if a guy is in a long-term relationship, there is a good chance that he is bored in the bedroom.

You can talk about how (when you are in a relationship) you love to go crazy in bed. You are open to trying new things. You like to please your man.

You don't have to give specifics. In fact, DON'T give details. Let his imagination go hogwild.

The whole key to this is:

a) Find out what he really really wants

b) Show him how being with YOU will help him get it

c) Don't give it to him. Yet.

This brings us to...

Step #3: Make him feel like a superstar

Listen to him. Show him attention. If he is insecure about something, then make him feel good about it.

For example, if he is insecure about his height, you can talk about how you like guys who are his height because you can set your glass of wine on his head.

Just kidding! You can say you like guys his height because it's more comfortable when cuddling in bed together.

You want him to associate good feelings with you. So be happy. Laugh at his jokes. Bring energy and a good vibe to every encounter.

NEVER argue with him. Avoid arguing like you avoid a skunk sitting on the highway. Because if you don't, things will get bumpy and stinky.

At some point this guy will begin to notice that his current girlfriend is annoying and he has more fun with YOU than with her...

Then WAM-O! You've stolen him away, you home-wrecker!

WARNING TO THE WISE: Give the guy space!

NEVER smother. Make him come to you. Make him WANT to come to you. Give him lots of attention but then be unavailable for a few days. He's got to know that you have a life!

Never let him know that you are going after him. Because you're not. He's got to come get you. All you are doing is showing him that you are smart, sexy, pretty, and cool. Once he sees this, he will want you.

There's a girl who drove me crazy recently. And she did it even though I KNOW all these little tricks. It doesn't matter. They STILL work!

This girl was really into me. And she was so much fun and cool. We got along really well. She was soft and sexy but also strong in her independence. We'd have a great day together. But then I wouldn't see her for 2 weeks. Then out of no where I'd get a call from her...

Step # 4

Now that he wants you badly, let him know that he can't have you. At least not right away.

If you make it seem IMPOSSIBLE then he might give up. You have to play kinda-hard-to-get. Let him know that he can have you... maybe.

"Maybe" is the most powerful word in the female vocabulary.

A guy will work hard to turn your "maybe" into a "yes."

The harder you make him work for you, the more he will convince himself that you are the one he wants.

Step #5: Find out what values you have in common.

Having "stuff" in common with a guy is not important.

You like sushi, he likes steak. Who cares?!

Shared VALUES are what make people feel close.

If his #1 value is HAVING FUN but your #1 value is SAVING THE PLANET there is good chance that you will not get along well.

If your #1 value is HONESTY then he'd better value that highly or else you guys will end up fighting a lot.

So if you find that you 2 share values in common, talk about how nice it is to have a FRIEND who shares your values.

YOU: You are such a great friend.

Then you touch him on his hand for a little longer than usual and give him a sexy look. Then jump up and tell him you that you've gotta go!

The idea is to leave him with a raging boner. You might say, "But what does a raging boner have to do with love?"

For a guy? Everything.


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