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Hi Hog,

My girlfriend broke up with me because I had to move far away. We are still madly in love with each other. But she doesn't like long-distance relationships. I don't know what to do because I know she' s going to be with other guys. What should I do?

- C

Hog's Relationship Advice:

You sound like a nice guy. So I'm sorry. This kind of thing really sucks. You love this girl but she's going to be shoveling d!cks down her throat like popcorn in the movie theater.

See dating and mating has a lot to do with proximity. As human animals, we don't choose the #1 mate on the planet. We choose the BEST AVAILABLE.

And to be available, that person must be accessible. That means they have to live close enough to you that you can be with them.

Can a long-distance relationship work?

Yes. But you'd better be damn sure that it's worth it!

Because you'll be depriving yourself of not just sex and kissing but also the other nice things that make being in a couple so much fun: Going out together. Experiencing new places together. Boning.

Oh wait, I said the sex part already, right? Because as of this writing, the technology does not yet exist where you can sha-boink without the other person being in the room.

NOTE TO SELF: When this technology is invented, wake-up early to be the 1st in line.

You had this awesome girl and were super-happy. But now she is gone and you are super-sad. See, Pleasure and Pain are 2 sides of the same coin.

When outside things/people/events are your primary source of happiness then you are destined for pain. Because there will be times when those things or people leave you. This is life.

That is the wisdom of the Buddha.

But he is not alone in this philosophy. Behold the wisdom of the modern-day prophet/rapper Juvenile:

P*ssy come and it go
It been like that before I got here
P*ssy don't wait for me or no n!gga
But it's gonna stop here
For a little while
So I'ma get what I could
And if she 'bout sucking some d!ck
I ain't hatin', it's all good

So as you can see, True Joy comes from within.

One of the most important things I am learning is to be happy from the inside. I want certain things and relationships but I also want to be happy without those things. Why wait to be happy? I used to say, "I will be happy when I get x, y, and z."

NOTE: x was money, y was a girlfriend, and z was a huge plate of yummy bbq chicken wings.

But why I should I be UNhappy now? That's stupid. I can be happy NOW and STILL work to achieve my goals of wealth, women, and fried animal body parts.

You are worried she will be with other guys.

You should be worried. Because, like guys, girls enjoy humping.

SARCASTIC NOTE TO SELF: Damn, I'm profound.

But girls don't call it humping, they call it "physical intimacy." So to be sensitive, I compromise and call it H.I. (Humping Intimacy.)

So she will be with other guys. Who cares?!

I used to.

Loyalty is sexy. But I realized that girls cheat, too. But they are worse than guys. No, they don't cheat as much. But they are worse because they get away with it.

When a guy cheats, there is a 97% chance that his girlfriend will find out because:

a) the guy messes up and leaves a small incriminating clue like an email on his computer or a text message on his phone or her panties in his pocket.

b) the guy starts acting differently around his girlfriend. Like he suddenly buys her flowers or starts showering every single week.

c) there is a picture of him with the other woman leaving a hotel on the front page of the newspaper

NOTE: option C mainly applies to athletes and movie stars. It's rare that the newspaper prints the front page Headline: "Caught on Camera! Some Dude Cheating on his Girl!"

In the past, I would feel really hurt if a girl cheated on me. But I realized it's not about me. It's about her.

There is no such thing as loyalty. People act based on the principles of potential pleasure vs. potential pain.

A girl will ask herself: How will I feel if I cheat and have sex with this new hot guy? How will I feel if I get caught? And... Do they have security cameras in the Wal-Mart bathroom?

That's why girls are more likely to cheat when the risk of pain (getting caught) is low: Business trip in a far-away city. Vacation in another country. Boyfriend is in prison.

In general, guys are too impatient and horny to wait for these circumstances. Guys will do very stupid things like cheat with someone at work or school. Or with someone in his girlfriend's immediate family.

So what should you do?

Dude, sometimes circumstance gets in the way of life as you want it. If you are 100% certain this is the love of your life, you could pack up all your stuff and move back to her state. But the way your question sounds, I'm thinking that isn't an option for you.

Most likely, she is a very cool girl but certainly not the ONLY girl you will ever love in your entire life.

Sometimes the deeper your loneliness before you met the new person, the deeper your love for that new person once you are together.

But this is not love based on the actual person. I find that many times people don't love other people. They love the idea that person represents as ego-gratification.

For example: A guy might think he loves his super hot girlfriend. But does he really? Or does he love what she REPRESENTS? That he has a hot girl as arm-candy in public? In other words, would he love ANY hot chick just as much? He's with this girl because she's the only hot girl he can get? Or does he love this girl SPECIFICALLY?

Is your love for this girl SPECIFIC? Or (be honest with yourself) would you love almost any girl in your R.A.H. (Range of Acceptable Hotness) who saved you from your loneliness?

Psychologist Erich Fromm explains that the difference:

Immature Love: I love you because I need you.

Mature Love: I need you because I love you.

WARNING: You might get adult-oriented photos if you type "Mature Love" into Google.

My advice is that you must move on. This is a great learning experience for you. She has shown you the things you value in a relationship. Now you know what you want from your next girlfriend.

It's okay to keep in contact with your ex-girlfriend but ONLY if are not trying to win her back. You can talk to her once every few months but only if it is for the noble purpose of achieving H.I. with her the next time you see her.


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