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Hi Hog,

I am obsessed with my ex-boyfriend. I'm always stalking him and checking
his emails... I don't want to be with him but I don't want him to be with his new girl either because is an ugly slut.

What's wrong with me?! I really appreciate your advice, you are awesome.

- A

Hog's Relationship Advice:

Thank you. I am awesome.

Are you awesome? Is this the behavior of an awesome girl? Do awesome girls dwell on the past until they make themselves sick?

Do awesome girls hate on the new woman in a man's life?

Do awesome girls act insecure?

HINT: The answer is the same one that I got from the girls in high school: "No."

We all do things like search on the internet for ex-lovers... maybe look at some old photographs from time-to-time. Maybe get n@ked at the computer and write some poetry while weeping...

NOTE: Ahem.

But it's when you begin to focus on this person so much that it takes over your every thought... you need to hit pause... and live in the present moment.

You say you don't want to be with him. That's great!

Now it's time for you to actually believe that.

Because once you do, you will stop obsessing about him.

What are the REASONS you don't want to be with him?

List them.

This will help you discover the things you need to have in your new relationship with someone else. So now think of all the values that will be important to you in your next boyfriend.


My New Boyfriend MUST:

1 - be faithful

2 - be caring

3 - have a beautifully sculpted romance-pole

NOTE TO GUYS: Did you know that girls actually care how your jammy looks? Girls will be flexible with the size of your male-surprise, but an ugly wham-wham stick could be a deal-breaker!

It's time to let go. Accept that it is over. Take a deep breath. Exhale. This part of your life is done. Gone. Finished. Goodbye.

Do the ritualistic things that girls do. Burn the photos. Go out with your girlfriends and trash-talk him. Hit on the bartender. Then when he turns you down, sleep with that random dude with the 5 o'clock shadow.

Obviously your relationship with your ex-boyfriend had problems. That's why you broke up. Sometimes it's a timing-thing, or a personality-compatibility-thing, or a he's-a-cheating-scumbag-thing. But it's a thing.

Find a new man. Your mission is to enjoy right now. The past is over. Enjoy right now. Enjoy being single. You have your freedom. Who knows where your journey will take you? It's exciting!

You may find your Prince Charming or your Rock Star or your Mopey Artist or your Arrogant Athlete or your Special Dork or your Sugar Daddy or your Boy Toy or your Macho Man or you may end up old and alone! Who knows?! That's why it's so exciting!

NOTE TO GUYS: It's good if you put yourself in a category. Do what is natural for you. 

Play the part that corresponds to the girl you want. and when I say "play the part" I don't mean be fake. I mean play up what comes naturally. Dress the part. Talk the part.

If you want a "good girl" then don't play the Rock Star role.

* Rock Stars get hot slutty girls.

* Prince Charmings get very pretty, high-maintenance girls.

* Mopey Artists get Sugar Mamas.

* Sugar Daddies get younger women.

* Boy Toys get older women.

* And a Special Dork will attract girls who are comfortable being seen in public with a man who buttons his dress shirts up to the neck and openly talks about his love affair with the Linux operating system.

That being said, there are certain categories of guys that girls tend not to desire as much as the others.


1 - Overweight Slobby Guy

2 - Unemployed Smelly Guy

3 - Homosexual Guy

NOTE: Of these types of guys, girls are most attracted to #3 because at least he can dress well.

Back to your question... You are suffering through Relationship Withdrawal. Even though you know it's over, you are craving your ex-boyfriend like heroin-addicts crave heroin-flavored heroin.

SARCASTIC NOTE TO SELF: Nice analogy, dude.

It will be hard but you will get through it. Don't relapse and go back to him. Let your emotions de-tox. Don't be an X junkie. Not X as in Ecstasy, but X as in eX-boyfriend. 

X-JUNKIE: I just need one more look...

THE X: You know I'm bad for you, but you want me anyway.... don't you? C'mon, let's get back together for 1 night of fun. You can always walk away.

X-JUNKIE: Damn it! I need that good feeling...

X-JUNKIE'S FRIEND: Stop it! You have a problem!

X-JUNKIE: No I don't! I can stop seeing him at any time! You don't understand!

Be sure to remember not to blame yourself. You may have important lessons to learn but remember that you are a good person. Just because the relationship didn't work does not mean that you are not worthy of love. Of course you are. We are all worthy of being loved.

You will get angry. Don't point your anger at your ex or your ex's new lover or yourself. Turn your anger into motivation to learn more about yourself and why you do the things you do. Why you choose the guys you do.

NOTE: Or you can turn your anger into a best-selling rap song.

Eventually you will "let go" of your ex-boyfriend and of all your anger. Now you can breathe and relax. And now the time is right to allow a new love into your life.

NOTE TO GIRLS: It's better if that "new love" is a man and not a daily pint of chocolate ice cream.

NOTE TO ICE CREAM: I'm sorry to use you as a example. I still love you!

Our emotions do not go in a straight line. So expect to experience all of these different feelings over and over until -- like most of the "stars" of  Reality TV -- they fade away.

Break-ups are so hard because in a relationship the other person becomes part of our identity. It's not just me. It's not just you. It's us. You make decisions together, you're seen out in public together, and you're probably even mimicking each other's little phrases.

NOTE: That makes me want to puke.

So the end of a relationship is -- in a way -- like a death. You lose part of your identity. But after this death is your re-birth as a more-aware and much stronger person. It's true.

It does make you stronger. In fact, I've had so many break-ups, that I now have super human strength. Before my relationships, I could barely lift a school bus. But now I can easily spin the moon on my finger while a comet slams into my nuts.

That's how strong you will become! You are transforming from an ordinary girl into Awesome Woman!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get n@ked at my computer and write some poetry while weeping...


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