I have no problem approaching girls to talk. But the
problem is I run out of things to say. And then it gets awkward and they leave.
How do I think of stuff to say?
- S in Cleveland, Ohio
Hog's Relationship Advice:
Great question. Yeah. So uh, nice weather
we're having, ay? Shwew. Anyway, what do YOU do for a living? Uh huh. That's
cool. Um. Well I uh, I really like the color blue. What's your
favorite col-- Hey! Where are
When speaking to a new person, the last thing you
want to do is bore them!
There is a reason we don't talk to every new person we see. There is
a reason we hesitate to allow new people to engage us in conversation... because
there is a risk that this new person is a super annoying butthead .
Nobody wants to be stuck talking to a SAP! (Super
I think people should come with Warning Labels. That way we don't waste
time meeting people who we would never become friends with.
These stickers would be stuck to their foreheads:
WARNING: I am an annoying f*ck-head who will ask you questions but not
listen to your answers. It was all a trick so I could brag about something I did
on that topic.
WARNING: I tell long pointless stories that will suck out your soul
and stomp on it until you welcome sweet sweet Death.
WARNING: My breath has mutilated small children.
So right off the bat, you need to show that you are "normal." Or at least
interesting and not scary. You should appear confident and relaxed. No
Make eye contact.
Break eye contact.
Don't shuttle between making and breaking eye contact every second by looking in opposite directions.
An attractive girl gets approached a bazillion times every day by losers,
dweebs, dorks, nimrods, nerds, geekazoids, and horny Amish runaways. What makes
Don't blame the girl. How would YOU feel if you were approached by
strangers all the time?
And not just regular strangers. UGLY strangers trying to sell you exercise
You had BEST be interesting. You had BEST be unique. You had BEST have something
How do you make yourself more interesting?
Learn how to juggle fire-swallowing midgets!
Okay, that's 1 way.
But what if you don't know any fire-swallowing midgets?
A very easy way to be more interesting is to be INTERESTED. Be sincerely
interested in the person you are talking with. Your mission when you meet
a new person is to find out what makes them cool.
Then you will highlight this and find out more.
The Art of Interesting Conversation:
Everyone has a topic, that if you get them started on it, they will babble on
for hours because they LOVE this subject.
For me that topic is baseball. For my one of my friends
HINT: He's never had a girlfriend.
Now guess what, after this person has talked on and
on about their favorite topic, they will associate this good feeling with
you. And they will begin to feel more comfortable with you. The key to
good conversation is LISTENING.
Get the OTHER person talking.
Yes, it also helps if you have some great stories. Have those
handy. Learn HOW to tell a story.
And make sure your story shows you in a POSITIVE light. So don't tell that
hilarious story about the time you and Joe knocked over that
elderly lady in the street while running from the cops after they
caught you flashing your hairy groin-danglers in a school playground.
How do I tell a story?
Enthusiasm! People respond to emotion. If you are bored with your
own story, then no one will listen. Make sure the story conveys some emotion.
Love. Danger. Excitement. Humor.
Use imagery. Describe the scene with details! But don't get too technical:
"So I was programming the Cisco XR 12000 Router with Virtual IP addresses and
the third octet..." <THUMP!>
That was the sound of the other person hitting the ground after falling
unconscious from your boring-ass story.
EMOTIONS! Not facts!
Re-do of that story:
"I'm in charge of this super important computer that runs all the cash
machines... I had just 30 seconds to act or else the bank would lose
millions of dollars. I was sweating... everyone was depending on me!"
How do I be a good listener?
Stop thinking of what stupid thing you will say next and ACTUALLY pay
attention to other person. Not just the words they say. But the EMOTION. What
are they REALLY saying? It's rarely about the THING and it's almost always about
the FEELING the thing represents.
Talk about the feelings.
But DO remember the facts so you can call them back. People LOVE this. It shows
you were paying attention to them. And THAT is the highest compliment.
If a girl tells me she has a cat, I ask its name. And I REMEMBER it. I have a
crappy memory so I might even write it down when she's not looking. Because it
would be weird to write it down as she says it. Because then she'll feel
like you're a newspaper journalist and she's being interviewed for a story about
But later -- at a natural time where it makes sense --
I'll mention her cat by name. Now we're getting closer. Strangers don't know the
name of her cat. But I do. We're becoming friends.
Which brings me to another point. Act like you two are old friends. How do you
talk with an old friend? Relaxed. Comfortable. You don't ask "Where do
you work? How old are you?"Who cares! You just talk about what
happened that day. You might even tease your friend. Joke around.
WARNING: There ARE some differences. With close friends you may
discuss things like the size, shape, and scents of your bowel movements. Avoid
this topic with new people.
NOTE: Unless you are both Doctors specializing in Poopology.
A lot of people tell me it's hard to talk to someone they don't know.
Heck no! It's easy!
It's HARD to talk to someone who you've known a long time because you run out of
stuff to talk about. With a new person, you know nothing! It's great! You
are learning all about what makes them tick. What's interesting about them.
Everything is new and exciting. Your job is to find out what makes them cool.
How do I find out what is cool about the other person?
Um, you ask them? Duh. You can even say, "So what's the coolest thing about
That might be intimidating to them, so you can ask, "What are you passionate about?" Or,
"What do you love to do?" Or, "I have a feeling there is more to you than meets
the eye. What's your special talent?"
Most people don't want to reveal their talents because they are scared you will
judge them. You need to show that you are not judgmental. That you are
NOTE TO SELF: "Encouragemental." What the hell is wrong with you?
I think I am DORKmental.
I met a girl recently and we were talking and stuff. She was cool but I was
having trouble finding out that really unique thing about her. Finally after she
felt comfortable with me, she revealed something. What made her reveal it?
I asked her, "If you could do ANYTHING... money is not important... if you could
do or be ANYTHING, what would it be?"
And that's when she very timidly revealed that she would love to be a singer. It
turns out that she is an AMAZING singer. But her "friends" have discouraged her.
Not me. I honestly think it's really cool. It's a talent that I wish I had. But
I'm not jealous. I'm in awe.
Every person is your superior in some way. Find out what you can learn
from this person.
NOTE TO HOMELESS PEOPLE: Yes, even you are
my superior in the area of urban nomadic outdoor living. And thank you for
visiting my web site from your Blackberrry!
How do I encourage the other person to open up and talk?
Don't judge. You open up first. Usually if you tell something
revealing, the other person will reveal something next. It's kinda like
conversational Strip Poker. Except with less nipples.
NOTE TO GIRLS WITH NIPPLES: You're awesome!
What you say is not as important as HOW you say it.
You want to bring energy to the conversation. Express yourself with your
eyes. The eyes talk. Make nice eye contact. Let your eyes open wide when
surprised. Make a face when they say something strange. Be expressive!
NOTE: Don't overdo it. You're a man not a mime.
NOTE: No, you can't be both.
NEVER be a kiss-ass. The worst thing you can do is try too hard to
please. Gross. Hold your ground but do your best to avoid arguing. I'll give you
I'm getting to know this girl. So far, I like her. We're talking. I see she has
a wild side. We talk about drinking and drugs. Now, I don't judge. But I know
there are things I will not accept in a partner. I don't think that makes them
"bad" just not compatible with me.
So it turns out she has used a certain drug that, for me, is a deal-breaker. She
thinks the use of this drug is no big deal. I don't argue with her. What's the
point? Am I going to convince a girl who I hardly know that I'm right and she's
Please. I can barely convince my closest friends to change their habits.
So I don't condemn her for it. But I also don't congratulate her either. I'm NOT
like... "Oh wow! That's so COOL that you use a highly addictive substance that
will no doubt destroy your body! Awesome!"
No. She's a nice girl. But there's no future for us.
Your topics of conversation must match the situation:
Saturday-night-at-the-bar-conversations will be different than
It is rare that a drunk girl dancing and showing off her cleavage
to discuss the merits of 14th Century British Literature.
NOTE: That's why you rarely hear the chicks with wet t-shirts on
those Spring Break videos quoting Chaucer. But man, that would be cool! Girls
would be squeezing their wet squeeze 'ums yelling, "Hyt is not al golde that
But take that same girl while it is daytime and she is
sober and she very well might enjoy this topic.
NOTE: Yeah right.
At the same time, Sunday brunch might not be the best place to discuss sexual
fantasies. Unless your sexual fantasy is having a girl toss a Bloody Mary in
NOTE: Mmmm, spicy!
Get the girl engaged in the conversation. Make her laugh.
Teach her something
about herself. Talk about fun things. Bring up intense drama. Talk about
romance and adventure and sex.
Travel, Music, Food
The Weather, The Traffic, Your Health Problems
The topics are whatever. Who cares. It's what her answers
reveal about her. She enjoys traveling. Cool. What is her idea of a fun travel
adventure? A deserted beach? A hike through the wilderness? Backpacking through
Europe on her own? 3 very different answers.
What if you get stuck?
Of course there will pauses. That's okay. Personally, I
don't mind quiet moments. Usually I thank God for these brief moments of
silence. To me, silence is golden. Or more like platinum. Because with girls,
it's extraordinarily rare.
NOTE TO GIRLS WHO RUN THEIR MOUTH: SHUT UP!
But most people freak out if there is a quiet moment. So
just talk about ANYTHING. If you reach a dead-end, just say whatever is on your
NOTE TO IDIOTS: Say whatever is on your mind
except if it involves invading her personal space with repeated thrusts.
She WANTS the conversation to go well. She WANTS to meet a
great guy. Once you show her that you are cool, she will do her best to help you
How do you improve your conversational skills?
On everyone. The beautiful thing about becoming an interesting
conversationalist is that you can do it with ANYONE ANYWHERE. The difference is
that you will not be as flirty and you're not trying to kiss the grandma you
meet at the supermarket.
NOTE TO GRANNY-CHASERS: Stay away from my grandma, you pervert!
Conversation is only a piece of the puzzle, but it's a big piece.
ESPECIALLY if you are not the hunkiest dude on the planet, you need words. Your words can melt a
Until you master the art of conversation, you'll be at a
SUPER HOT HUNKY MUSCULAR FIREMAN: Ooga
HOT GIRL: Take me!
YOU: Ooga booga.
HOT GIRL: Take me! ...Out to dinner!
Then buy me clothes. And then maybe I'll let you call me once a month
so I can tell you all about my 1 night stand with that Hunky Fireman.