My girlfriend is acting all crazy. She says it's
because of hormonal changes since she started taking birth control. But she was
already acting nutty before. For instance, we are together 24-7 (she moved in
with me... long story but she needed a place to stay. We were a couple for about
2 weeks at the time. Now we have been together for about 1
month.) She is very possessive. She won't even let me talk to my friends on the
phone. We went shopping together and I had to hide from her just to make a phone
call.
I really like this girl otherwise and the sex is
incredible. I really don't want to break-up with her because I'm so tired of the
dating process. Any advice?
- E in Texas
Hog's Relationship Advice:
Girls, pay attention. Do you see how EASY it
is for you to keep a man? All you need to do is be slightly less
annoying than it would be for your boyfriend to find a new chick.
Most guys hate having to go out to find a new woman. It means facing
rejection. It means spending a lot of money. It means having to
shower. And all those things suck.
Girls, you know if your man is capable/driven enough to find a new woman. And
that's why you act the way you do. When you know your man is a slob who
spits when he farts then you start acting bossy and obnoxious because you know
you CAN.
But when you're with a man who can replace your high-maintenance ass in a day... suddenly you act all nice and polite.
Most regular dudes have trouble finding a new girl so they put up with
all her crap. This is why Rock Stars don't put up with ANY crap. Because they
can get a new girl at the next show. A rock star will dump you because he
doesn't like your new haircut. Or because he doesn't like the way you
pronounce the word "February."
Guys, this is why it is ESSENTIAL that you learn the art of meeting and getting
hot babes. Because only then will you have the ability to choose wisely.
Otherwise you will forever be a slave to the Holy Hoo-Ha.
Yes, the vagina is powerful. But carefully consider the woman to
whom it is attached. It's like they're best friends. They are a
package-deal. You can't have one without the other.
Just when you're having a great time with Vagina, her annoying friend is
going to want to tag along.
YOU: Oh Vagina, I'm having such a
fun time with you! VAGINA: Me, too. We should do this more often! VAGINA'S ANNOYING FRIEND (THE WOMAN): Whatcha guys doin'? Can I come? YOU: Vagina and I were going to spend a quiet evening at home. VAGINA'S ANNOYING FRIEND (THE WOMAN): No, we always do that! I want to go
out! VAGINA: I wouldn't mind just staying in tonight and cuddling. VAGINA'S ANNOYING FRIEND (THE WOMAN): Fine! Just neglect me, why don't
you! VAGINA: I'm sorry. You're right. We'll all go out together. VAGINA'S ANNOYING FRIEND (THE WOMAN): Yay! Let's spend lots of money! VAGINA: I don't have any money. I'm a vagina. VAGINA'S ANNOYING FRIEND (THE WOMAN): Well, I don't have any money right
now. YOU: Great.
Okay, now I will answer your questions.
I.
Learn the skill of meeting women. It is important to your life.
Otherwise you will be with a woman just because she pleases your pen!s but not
your heart. You should be with a girl who gives you a boner... in your
heart.
II.
Birth control does mess with a woman's hormones. BUT... a woman's
hormones are already wacko so what's really changed? You know when a
woman's hormones REALLY go crazy... when she's pregnant.
MOST IMPORTANT MEDICAL INVENTIONS EVER
#3 X-Ray Machine #2 That little white hat with the red cross that nurses wear in pornos #1 The Pill
III
Why the hell are you living with a girl you just met?
The only reason to live with a girl you have known for just a few weeks
is that you are both in love -- and homeless. And you are residing in the
same dumpster behind Denny's.
And even then, I think you should maintain separate dumpsters.
By living together you hit fast-forward on the Relationship. Everything
is now 100 times more intense.
Relationships are a sales job. Before you buy, you're supposed to get a feel for
it. Get used to it. You're not supposed to see all the problems up front.
More importantly, now you have less room to advance the relationship
emotionally. This is something that most guys mess up on.
SWEEPING GENERALIZATION BUT STILL TRUE: Guys care most about sex. Girls care most about emotional attachment.
Guys want the relationship to constantly advance SEXUALLY.
SEX TIMELINE IN A MAN'S MIND
Date 1.... Kiss
Date 2.... Feel her boobies
Date 3.... Humpety-Humpety-Humpety!
Month 3... Outfits! (On her, not you.)
Month 6... Shoot the fun-fluid somewhere naughty
Month 9... Stick the romance-pole somewhere it has not been before
1 Year..... Use of video technology
2 Years... Something involving her friend Tina
10 Years.. Happy she is still having sex with you at all
Girls want the relationship to constantly advance EMOTIONALLY.
EMOTIONAL TIMELINE IN A WOMAN'S MIND
Date 1.... An exciting romantic spark
Date 2.... A real connection based on values and sense of humor
Date 3.... Humpety-Humpety-Humpety! Er, Make-Lovety-Lovety-Lovety!
Month 3... Outfits. (Yes!) If outfits mean her wearing a police uniform and
handcuffing you into an Exclusive Relationship. (Dammit!)
Month 6... He will say "I Love You" for the 1st time (actually it will be the
2nd time, but the 1st time didn't count because you were both naked)
Month 9... Totally own all his time. He no longer has friends, hobbies or
outside interests of his own.
1 Year..... Live Together
2 Years... Something involving her friend Tina. (Yes!) Tina will be her Maid of
Honor at the Wedding. (Dammit!)
10 Years.. Use of video technology. (Yes, finally!) To capture those cute
moments with the children. (Dammit!)
IV You
are literally hiding from her. You are acting pathetic. A woman
will test a man to see if she can break him. She makes you think that she
WANTS you to break. But she doesn't. Because she will never respect you.
And if a woman loses respect for you, it is OVER.
You are the man. Act like it. She must behave in order to be with you. It
is better to be alone than to become one of those spineless wimpy men. Most
women WANT a man to lead. But he must EARN that.
You will never earn the Leadership position by acting this
way. It is to your benefit and HER benefit that you stand up tall and
tell her (not ask) TELL her how she must behave if she is to be with you.
Being a Leader means you must be responsible. You must make decisions. You must
have integrity. You must be confident. You must take the blame but give away all
the credit.
Being a Leader is hard work. But it also has its rewards. You are in control.
You have your self-respect. You are admired for your virtue. And most
importantly, you will get bl0w-jobs.
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