I was reading your dating advice and was cracking up,
and am curious to know what your advice would be for me.
I met up with a family friend I hadn't seen since we were teenagers (our
families got together for dinner).
I was attracted to him and felt a spark right away, but there was one problem
-- he had a long-term girlfriend.
He invited me out for coffee twice and even apologized for acting like a jerk
way back when we were teens. He also mentioned that he didn't think his current
relationship would last and that they had already broken up a few times. I had a
feeling he liked me but at the same time I thought that maybe he just needed
someone to confide in.
Fast forward to another event which included both of our families -- he was
invited of course, and suggested we go out for a drink after... I admit,
I wanted to.
He ended up coming to my parents' house to help bring home all the gifts they'd
received, and we decided it was too late to go anywhere so started watching a
movie. Well, you guessed it, he started cuddling with me and eventually
kissed me.
I told him I felt bad because he had a girlfriend and that he needed to figure
things out on his end before things between us went any further.
A few days later we spoke and he said he was sure he wanted to be with me, that
the relationship with his current girlfriend had been "over" to him for a long
time, that he felt really good with me, that he was really falling for me,
etc... He said he ended things with her.
I made it clear that I understood if he needed time (not that I would
necessarily stand by and wait) and said that I didn't want him to feel pressured
or jump into anything new too soon. He assured me many times, while looking into
my eyes, that he knew what he wanted and that he was 100% sure.
He was very sweet with me and I felt amazing with him. He called me every
day, took me out, even came in to chat with my family (I was still living at
home) totally on his own.
He gave me a nice birthday gift and a sweet card he wrote himself, and basically
everything seemed great and I was really happy. I thought that his actions meant
he was serious about me (and so did everyone else around me).
I didn't want to sleep with him right away. I thought I was playing all my cards
right (i.e.: letting him call me since he said he would, not seeing him every
day, still doing my own thing, communicating effectively etc). Eventually, I
gave in and had sex with him. I was
going through a major dry spell (!) and wanted him badly!
He stayed with me and cuddled for hours after, didn't
fall asleep, and we talked and
enjoyed each other's company so things seemed legit... but a few days later he
called and admitted he was taking his ex-girlfriend out to dinner for "what
would have been" their 3 year anniversary. This was a huge red flag (obviously)
that he wasn't over her.
I asked him what this meant and he was very hesitant at first but then said
that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with me but that he wanted to be friends
(ugh).
I told him I couldn't be friends with him and that I wished he would have
realized this sooner (especially since we slept together...)... there were a lot
of awkward silences and sighing on his end... he said he was sorry and that he
never meant to hurt me.
Since our parents are friends, I found out that a few months later that he was back
with the same girl. Was I just a diversion for a little while? Did he just
want the sex?
I think about him a lot and would appreciate your viewpoint. I've had a really
hard time letting go of him. It ended so suddenly, but we hardly even got
started... Thanks for listening.
- A in Montreal
Hog's Relationship Advice:
This guy is a jerk-face jerk-off.
I don't think it was his intention to hurt you, but as they say, the
road to hell is paved with good intentions and McDonald's wrappers.
Yes, I think this guy likes you BUT... he still wants to be with
his girlfriend. So while he was on a "break" with his girl, he went for you.
It's like when you're on a diet and then 1 weekend you have a party or
something so you decide you can cheat on your diet. His girlfriend is his diet
and you were his cherry pie.
So feel flattered that he chose YOUR cherry pie! But now he realizes that
he needs to go back on his boring diet of broccoli boobs.
Did he just want sex? No. But that was a big part of it. His
actions suggest that he actually likes you. But you know what? You're too
good for him.
You don't need a guy who will tell you he's over his girlfriend, allow you to
get emotionally and physically involved, and then go back to her. That's
dishonest, manipulative, and skankier than a stripper's thong after her 12 hour
shift at The Greasy Pole Gentleman's Club.
You did everything right. He did everything wrong.
I could give you ways to win him over and little tricks to make his
girlfriend break-up with him but he's not worth it.
I would say it's not even worth the revenge of telling his girlfriend's
friends that her boyfriend had sex with you while they were on break.
And that he said you were prettier than her.
Sure when this gossip gets back to his girlfriend it will
cause major drama and a break-up but you're above that kind of soap-opera
behavior.
NOTE: If you're not above that kind of behavior, please be sure
to email me all the juicy details!!!
Look, if this jerk-off jerk-face just wanted sex, he shouldn't have messed with
your head. He should've been straight: "Listen, I like you a lot. But I have
a girlfriend. I know this is wrong, but I'm attracted to you. I want you. Run
away with me to the French Riviera, or the Bahamas or the Motel Six around the
corner so we can make whoopie-hugs all night long. Or for 10 and one-half
minutes."
So what did we all learn?
Girls, unless you are SURE you won't get emotionally invested in a dude,
NEVER get with a guy who is still in a relationship. Even if he says he's in
the PROCESS of breaking-up.
Because, let's be real, 99% of relationships are currently in the PROCESS
of breaking-up! Either you're getting married or you're going to break-up.
The only way a girl should mess with a dude in a relationship is if:
1 - she is trying to steal the man away from his girlfriend
2 - she will not get emotionally-invested
3 - she wears a bad wig with 4 inch heels and approaches men in cars
under the Queensboro Bridge
And option 2 does not really exist.
ALL humans get emotionally-invested. It's just that us men are better at beating
our emotions down into a bloody pulp. But we still have them. We just ignore
them. But it still hurts.
Women have a higher threshold for physical pain. You girls give birth! Ah!
If men had to go through the pain of morning sickness and then actually
squeezing 7 pounds of mini-human with that giant baby head through a
little hole in our body... there would be no more children.
DUDE: Dude, you're 12 months pregnant! When are you giving birth?
PREGNANT DUDE: F*ck that sh!t! I'm holding it in!
DUDE: For how much longer?
PREGNANT DUDE: Forever!
DUDE: I guess you could tell people it's a huge beer belly.
PREGNANT DUDE: It's the not my belly I'm worried about. I'm starting to lactate.
DUDE: Eeeeeeeeew.
Yeah, women can deal with physical pain better. But men can deal with emotional
pain by suppressing it. But you know how you girls get period cramps? Us guys
get "emotional cramps."
Every so often we feel a sharp pain in our gut...
DUDE1: Ah!
DUDE2: What's wrong, man?
DUDE1: Cramps.
DUDE2: You thinking about your ex-girlfriend again?
DUDE1: Yeah. I'll be OK. I just need to take an Aleve.
Look, this guy is very charming. He sounds like a sweetheart. And that's
what makes him dangerous. If he REALLY cared about you he wouldn't have
twisted your heart up this way.
Then he puts you in the Friend Zone? Whatever.
Again, you did everything right. You made sure he treated you properly. He
assured you he was over and done with his ex-girlfriend. You waited before
giving up the booty... this is totally not your fault.
You seem to be handling this in a very mature way. I give you a lot of
credit. Because if you were immature you could send him this text
message: "im pregnant! i dont know how this could have happened!
but ur the only guy i've been with in 6 months!"
Then when he calls you, tell him you want to see him in person.
Make it clear that you understand if he needs time. That you don't want him to
feel pressured... Look him in his eyes, tell him that you know what you want and
you are 100% sure you want to have his child.
Have a video camera hidden in the room to capture his reaction.
Then you can let him off the hook and tell him the truth.
2 weeks later.
Send him this text message: "About my pregnancy. I am... just
kidding! LOL!"
Then when he approaches you in person and starts screaming at you, try not to
laugh as you rub your belly and plead, "Stop yelling! You're going to
upset the baby! HA HA HA!"
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