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Hey Hog,

I love your dating advice. You tell it like it is. Please help me with this. I'm dating this guy and I told him how many sex partners I had before him (31) and he freaked out. I don't think that's fair. What is the "normal" number of sex partners for a 26 year old female? And why should it bother him? I'm with him now.

- L in Miami

Hog's Relationship Advice:

Holy crap, you're a slut!

Just kidding. 31 is a totally normal number of sex partners for a monkey. A very slutty monkey. OK, look, there is no "normal" number. I'm going to address 2 important questions:

1 - WHY did you sample so many romance-poles?
2 - WHY on Earth did you tell your boyfriend how many romance-poles you've romanced?!

What is a normal number of Flavor-Injectors by age 26? It depends on your culture. In many cultures, women are married by age 21 so this reduces their number. In some cultures, they perform surgeries to remove the pleasure-button from a girl's hoo-ha. In other cultures, women have few restrictions and are not judged. I will say this, if you live in Hollywood and you're a pop star, your number is quite low. In fact, I think by Hollywood-standards you are still a virgin.

Now to the important questions:

WHY did you sample so many romance-poles?

If you are a girl who simply enjoys sex, I have no problem with you sampling 31 flavors. You were having fun. You probably learned a new talent.

But most likely you are a not a happy-go-lucky-girl who just so happens to have sex with zero emotional attachment. You know how I know that? BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EXIST!

Women are not built that way. When women have lots of sex partners (or in your case PARKING lots of sex partners) they are usually doing it for an emotional reason. You could have low self-esteem. So by feeling sexy and attracting these men, it makes you feel better -- temporarily.

Or it could be you were sexually abused as a child. And this has messed you up in the head. If this is the case, you need to take care of yourself IMMEDIATELY.

Or it could be because you feel that you are lonely and wanting companionship. So you think that sex will get these guys to like you. That maybe they will stay. But trust me, you don't want a guy who likes you just because of your hoo-ha.

It's like when I was a kid, there was this other kid who tried to make friends by having the coolest new toys and letting us play with them. But you know what? All the other kids just used him for his toys. They didn't want to be friends with him. Guys are using you for your toys. And while I'm sure your toy is fun, you are not the only kid in town with it.

It could be that you are rebelling against something like a very strict upbringing. Amish Girls Gone Wild?

Or it could be that you just really like d!ck. You are d!ck's #1 fan. If d!ck was a football team, you would be in the stands with your face painted, wearing a d!ck jersey, holding a d!ck bobble-head, screaming, "Let's go D!ck! C'mon D!ck, score! Give it to those p*ssies!"

But it sounds like this phase is over as you are dating somebody.

This guy should NEVER know that he is the 32nd d!ck. Thank GOD for you there is no Sexual Credit Report. Because your v@gina would be in foreclosure. The bank would have to buy back your lady-hole. No guy wants to know how many transactions have been processed by his girlfriend's ATM. Do you think he wants to visualize all of those deposits and withdrawals?! Ugh!

See us guys have a bullsh!t fantasy we've been brainwashed with just as you girls have b.s. fairy tales you want us to live up to. Our fantasy is that our girlfriend is an angel. Pure and BETTER than all the other skanks out there.

For me, when I'm in a relationship I want to believe that my girlfriend is totally innocent and that I corrupted her into being a dirty little girl in bed. I don't want to believe that she learned all those amazing acrobatic sex maneuvers from other guys! I think to myself, "Oh, she must have read that in a book or something." Stupid? Yes. Necessary for my mental health? Hell, yes.

A lot of you girls are whining right now, "But it's not faaaaaaaair! Guys don't get judged for sleeping with a lot of people!" That's right. And in the words of my favorite fictional psychiatrist Dr. Frasier Crane, "I don't make the rules, I just enjoy them. "

No, the reason is because if women slam-danced with whoever they wanted with impunity, society would crumble. Guys complain that women control them with the honey-tunnel. But it's for our own good! Sex is the #1 motivator for guys to accomplish anything in life. If sex is no longer a challenge, then men will do nothing all day.


Women had as much sex as men with whoever they wanted. But the women were cold and hungry.

CAVEWOMAN: Caveman! Make me fire! Me cold! Hunt me food! Me hungry!
CAVEMAN: Ugh! Me exhausted from bang-bang. Me do nothing.
CAVEWOMAN: No more bang-bang until fire! Until food!
CAVEMAN: If you no bang-bang, then your cousin give me bang-bang!

Cavewoman storms out and enters her cousin's cave.

CAVEWOMAN: Cousin, if you bang-bang me caveman, me scratch your eyes out!
CAVECOUSIN: But me like bang-bang!
CAVEWOMAN: You cold and hungry?
CAVEWOMAN: Then no bang-bang until food and fire!
CAVECOUSIN: No bang-bang until caveman take me out to dinner!

Now the 2nd question:

WHY THE HELL would you tell your man how many previous pen!ses penetrated your pleasure pie?

Even if a guy ASKS he does not want to know. He's asking so he can decide if you are girlfriend material. And in the words of the immortal Chris Rock: "No matter what number she says, it's too many. She could say two, and you'd go, "TWO? TWO! Whoo! I guess that's just how you were raised."

Girls, NEVER NEVER NEVER tell your boyfriend how many wieners you've wonked. Remember what I always say, "Honesty is the WORST policy." Be open, but don't be 100% honest. I used to be 100% honest and it was always a bad idea.

GIRL: Does this dress make me look fat?
ME: Sweetheart, you look like a sea cow.
GIRL: I hate you!

So I learned:

GIRL: Does this dress make me look fat?
ME: I like your other dress better.
GIRL: Yes, but does this dress make me look fat?
ME: I like your other dress better.
GIRL: Does this dress make me look fat?!
ME: I... like your other dress better.

See, much like George Clooney's pubic hair -- it's a gray area.


NOTE TO WOMEN WHO LOVE GEORGE CLOONEY: I'm sure his salt & pepper pubes are very sophisticated. Yes, Mr. Clooney has sophisticated ball hair.

Me, I NEVER ask a girl how many guys she's been with. I just don't think about it. I don't want to know. This information will NOT make me a happier person.

Girls have TRIED to tell me and I stop them.

GIRL: Don't you want to know? We should know everything about each other!
ME: No we shouldn't. I like secrets.


- her number of sex partners
- how amazing her last boyfriend was in bed
- any painful experience she's had involving the toilet
- that taboo thing she tried with an ex-boyfriend that she found out she doesn't like and will not try with me

Look, it's important to be honest but only when absolutely necessary. Do NOT deceive! That's NOT what I'm saying. I'm saying don't run your mouth without a filter. Be considerate of someone else's feelings. Why talk about things that can't be changed? Just accept it or leave.

If your boyfriend has a below-average-size tonsil-tickler, don't tell him. Even if he asks you. Because it's pointless. It will only destroy his confidence. If you can't deal, then break up with him. Just say you're not sexually compatible. Who knows? Maybe he is thinking something about YOUR private area! But he doesn't want to tell you that he could yell Yodel-ay-hee-hoo in there and hear it echo.

Men are very visual. If you tell a guy about your past sexual experiences he will immediately and forever dream/have nightmares about them. Next time your man is with you, you will wonder why he is looking off into space instead of in your eyes. It's because he sees 31 d!cks dancing around your head. He's thinking, "Gross! My girlfriend is a d!ck head!"


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Dating Advice Man. Relationship Advice + Twisted Humor. Good Advice from HogWild. Jokes.  HOGWILD.NET  expert dating advice Relationship Advice.