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Hey Hog!

I would like to know what would you suggest for people to wear out when they're looking to "pick up".

T in Philadelphia

Hog's Relationship Advice:

The most important thing you wear is your attitude. If you go out with the mindset of "picking up" you will come across as needy and desperate.

You're not going shopping. You're meeting people. So put away your "I-need-sex-really-bad" Club Card that's attached to your keychain and pretend that you are a fun, interesting person worth getting to know.

The idea is to look good without seeming like you put a whole bunch of effort into it. You don't want to appear like you're trying too hard. Your mindset should be (whether you are a guy or a girl): I'm going to have fun tonight! And I'm gonna meet some new people to see if they are cool enough to hang out with me.

How to wear a great attitude:

Girls...

1 - Smile! Look like you enjoy life! Save the crankiness about how you hate your job, your apartment, your clothes, and your jiggly ass for AFTER you've got the guy trapped. Er, in a relationship.

2 - Stand up straight! Good posture accentuates your boobs, your butt, your legs, and it tricks guys into thinking you are a healthy girl instead of a sickly old woman with rheumatoid arthritis and popcorn hemorrhoids.

NOTE TO SELF: What the hell are popcorn hemorrhoids?!

3 - Be fun and flirty! This means your actions are relaxed and playful. Stop thinking about yourself! Stop being so self-conscious! Enjoy the moment! Allow the good times to enter your world!

NOTE: By "good times" I mean "my jammy." And by "your world" I mean "your v@gina."

NOTE TO YOUR V@GINA: Yay! V@gina!

I AM A MIND-READER: I know some of you girls are thinking, "But I'm naturally miserable and I want a guy who will put up with my crankiness!"

Well, you know how you look your best when you go out? Also, put on your best personality. I'm tired of people thinking they are "perfect" the way they are. No. You can improve. Just like you can improve your appearance with diet and exercise, you can improve your personality with good manners and being grateful instead of selfish.

You got that, butt-head?!

Guys...

You must have a great attitude, too! Girls generally are not attracted to the nervous, twitching guy standing against the wall with his shoulders slumped and his hand in his pocket twiddling his twiddle-stick.

So do this:

1 - Smile! Pretend you're having fun even though you are laser-focused on getting laid!

HINT: Stop being laser-focused on getting laid. Act like you already get so much sex that it doesn't even matter. Really!

2 - Walk, stand, breathe, exude, act, be, live, talk... with CONFIDENCE! This is THE most important factor in your attitude. Whatever you do, do it with confidence or you might as well not do it. Everything with confidence! Sneeze with confidence.

YOU: Ha-choo!
GIRL: Did you just sneeze all over my shirt?
YOU: Sure did. Lucky you! You get to have my man-boogers.
GIRL: You're disgusting!
YOU: Sure am.
GIRL: I'm a hot chick! Don't you care that you just sneezed snot all over me and therefore I'll never go home with you?!
YOU: Did you say something?
GIRL: I think I'm falling in love with you.
YOU: You are. Get over it. I've got other chicks to sneeze on. Later.
GIRL: Nooo! Come back! I want you!

When I look at girls in the club/bar I am attracted to the pretty girls who look down-to-earth. But this is because I refuse to be with a high-maintenance girl. Other guys feel differently. Girls, what I'm saying is, dress the part.

If you want to attract a dude for a 1 night stand, then dress the part! -->
Top: Push boobs up and out.
Bottom: Pull thong all the way up your butt. Just kidding! Why would you need underwear?!
Shoes: high-heel pumps. Possibly clear heels.
Jewelry: cheap
Make-up: As much as possible.
Accessories: Big bag full o' rubbers & sex toys.
Cylinder-shape glass to stroke at the bar while sitting alone.

If you want to attract an older sugar-daddy, then dress the part! -->
Top: Push boobs up and out.
Bottom: Traditional heart-attack mini-skirt.
Shoes: Low-heel so you're not taller than he is when he's using his walker.
Jewelry: Expensive and all purchased by past lovers.
Make-up: Irrelevant. He's got cataracts.
Accessories: emergency electronic-shock defibrillation paddles (gotta keep him alive until the wedding!)

If you want to attract a younger boy-toy, then dress the part! -->
Top: Push boobs up and out.
Bottom: Sponge-bob panties.
Shoes: Sneakers.
Jewelry: Plastic or candy.
Accessories: PSP or Gameboy.

If you want to attract a homeless guy, then dress the part! -->
Top: Push boobs up and out.
Bottom: Smelly.
Shoes: You've got shoes?! You snob!

If you want to attract boyfriend material, then dress the part! -->
Bottom: No butt-crack showing.
Shoes: Sensible. But not lesb!an-sensible.
Jewelry: under-stated.
Make-up: Just enough to highlight your natural beauty.
Oh yeah...
Top: Push boobs up and out.

Guys...

You need to dress the part, too. But two things apply to any style:

1 - HAVE a style
2 - Be neat and well-groomed.

Even the messy look is CLEAN. Dirty clothes, dirty fingernails and oily hair will not get you anywhere unless you are trying to make love to an auto mechanic.

You can't be all things to all girls. Pick a "type" and get the girls who are attracted to your type. For example, if you want a wild rock n roll girl, you probably won't get her while you're dressed in tan Dockers and a button-down shirt.

However that look WILL you get attention from:

1 - professional women seeking boring husband-material.
2 - school teachers
3 - girls you meet in your time travels to the year 1997.

Rock n Roll hotties want a bad-ass Rock n Roll dude. Show that in your ATTITUDE. Your facial hair. Your jeans. Your entire outfit. Your boldness.

It's like high school. Jocks get the cheerleaders. Dorks get the bookworms. Prepsters gets preppettes. It's very rare that people go out of their social-class circle. This isn't strictly defined by occupation but people do this because they want to feel like they are with someone they can relate to. This is why you see so many actors/singers date other performers. Or at least they are with people with some understanding or appreciation of what they do.

So if you are professional-type, dress the part the best you can. And go for the career-gals. Do not bother going for the rock n roll girls. Sure, you might be the rock star of the office because of your "crazy" email forwards and penchant for leading the team to the karaoke bar where you shut the place down at 11 PM on a TUESDAY (Whoa!) but this will NOT impress a rock girl who is looking for a long-haired dude in a leather jacket to sing her a sensitive love ballad one minute and then choke her in bed the next.

Other notes for dudes:

Hair: Clean. Something interesting. Supercuts is probably not the best idea unless you are 11.
Shirt: Clean. Not wrinkled.
Pants: On.
Jewelry: Appropriate for who you are. Banker with a nose-ring? No. Skater-dude WITHOUT a nose-ring? No. Jewelry in your teeth? Always awesome. :) And it's good to have jewelry that spells out your name so she will remember it. Double-awesome.

Shoes: Clean.

NOTE: Instead of shoes, you can wear flip-flops with socks if you are a total douche-bag.

Make-up: Um... really? Hmm... so you want to put some cover-up over that zit? Unless you are about to anchor the 11 o'clock news, that's a big NO. Be a man! Pop the zit and tell chicks it's a knife wound from the time you served in 'Nam.

Listen, if you're gonna wear make-up, make sure you at least do 1 thing... push your boobs up and out!

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