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Hi Hog,

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. Things were great for the first three months. We broke up for a month but then got back together and he treated me better than ever. But then things started to change.

He never wants to be around me, we always fight, and when he started to live with me things got worse. He threatens to break-up with me all the time, he calls me names and says I'm a crazy b!tch because I want to talk instead of fighting. He never keeps his promises. I'm starting to get really depressed. I don't know what to do. I need your help.

- G in Scranton, PA

Hog's Relationship Advice:

You know what you should do? Hmm... It rhymes with "hump him." But you already did that and that didn't make it better... Here's another hint: If he was an appetizer in a Chinese Restaurant he'd be the DUMPlings. If he was a chain of bakeries he'd be DUMPhim Donuts.

DUMP HIM! He sucks!

Boo! I'm booing him! Boo!

Listen, you must DEMAND to be treated with respect and caring. He does not deserve you.

He deserves to date a Walnoceros. That's a beastly woman with the body of a rhinoceros and the face of a Walrus. He deserves to date a woman with the breath of a Dragon but without the cool ability to fly or read Chinese. Because dragons can do that.

Now, it's always best to hear both sides of the story. But he's not here to do that. But you've told me all I need to know. He's calling you names. He's taking his anger out on you. He breaks promises. Is this the kind of man you can respect?

THE ONLY NAMES YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND
* sweetheart
* love-muffin
* my little naughty groin goblin (In bed only. Never at Church.)

As far as things being great the first 3 months... that's the honeymoon period. If you have major problems in a relationship in the first 3 months, then you know there is really no chance this relationship will work. The first 3 months are the most exciting. Everything is new! Kissing is new! Sex is new! His stories are new! His bodily noises are new! And you want it to work so you put up with some of his annoying habits and he does the same for you. Everything is cool!

But after that, reality sets in. You get tired of picking up his dirty socks. You've boinked in every position. Now it's time to begin the REAL relationship. Do you share the same values? Do you make each other happy? Do you want to break his nose while he sleeps?

NOTE: Correct answers are Yes, Yes, and... NO.

You said when he started to live with you, things got worse. Yes. Living together will intensify everything -- good and bad. Living together is super hard. I think the best thing is for 2 people to NOT live together. Ever.

Crazy?

Who cares? I'm not talking about conforming to what society wants you to do, I'm talking about being happy.

What I'm saying is people are generally happier when they feel like they are CHOOSING. Not when they feel like they are stuck. Or smothered.

THE ONLY TIMES WHEN A GUY WANTS TO FEEL SMOTHERED
* He's on fire
* He's in between two huge soft snuggle-bubbles
* He's in between two huge soft snuggle-bubbles protecting him from a fire

In my world, when I have a serious relationship I will have my own place and so will she. We will live close to each other. Say, 10 minutes apart. And we will probably be together 5 nights a week. By CHOICE. But if we want our own space... a little alone time... we can have that, too. No questions asked.

When you are around another person too much, you get irritated by them. It's only natural.

You can overdose on people. Orange Juice is good for you. But if you drink 6 gallons of it every day, you will get sick and die from Pulpicitrus Poisoning.

NOTE: I made that up. But it sounds real, right?! Yeah. Pulpicitrus.

If you give someone a chance to miss you they will APPRECIATE you more. And they will treat you better. And they'll value your time together instead of taking it for granted.

You may be asking yourself, why did my man start acting this way? Why was he so sweet and now he's a cranky douche-bag?

There are 3 possible explanations:

1 - He was holding in his douche-bagginess like you hold in your gas at the dinner table. And now it's exploding.... in a douche-baggy explosion of doucheness.

2 - He wants out of the relationship for whatever reason but he's not man enough to tell you directly so he's acting like a jerk-face jerk-ass to make YOU break-up with HIM.

3 - He's in a coma and his evil twin brother has assumed his identity and is living with you.

The bottom-line is, it doesn't matter. No one should treat you in such a way that it makes you depressed. What the hell is the point of being in a relationship like that? You CAN get a new man. Don't be with a guy like that out of fear that you won't find someone else. You can and you will. And being on your own is OK, too. You are always loved.

Stay away from people who bring you down. They are poison. Be with people who bring you higher, who challenge you to be your best, who inspire you, who care for you... who love you.

So what should you do? Well, if this guy was a movie starring Tom Hanks, he'd be Forrest DUMP. If he was a dark rye bread, he'd be DUMPernickel! If he was Halloween, he'd be a big fat orange DUMPkin!
 

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