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Hey HogWild,

I love this girl and I know that she loves me, but here's the problem: she's got a crack-addict boyfriend who isn't good for much.

We have known each other for four years and we have been good friends for a long time. We listen to each other and make each other happy. All the time she tells me she loves me whether it be through speech, looking at me, or the way she brushes against me. At the same time she also says she loves her crack-addict boyfriend. She is torn and I dont know how to win the other half of her heart.

She went to Spain on a trip and I got her roses for a going away present that made her melt. Now I don't know what to do when she gets back. We both love each other but I need to let her know all she needs is me.


D in Iowa


Hog's Relationship Advice:

You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of painful sights and sounds, but of mind games. A journey into a lonely land whose boundaries are that of sexual intercourse. That's the sign post up ahead, you're in... The Friend Zone!!!

I feel for you, brother. I, too, used to get trapped in the Friend Zone all the time. And it sucks because you really care about this girl and she likes you but she's busy seeing all these other jerk-face jerkazoids while you're left at home writing her poetry, masturbating, and writing poetry about masturbation.

Like this!

My palms are Red
My b@lls are Blue
All day I sit home thinking of You!

I'm like the e.e. cummings of cumming. Awwwww! HA HA HA!

So why is she going out with these jerk-face jerkazoids instead of you?

Because like most human women she confuses the adrenaline rush with attraction. Girls want to feel butterflies in their stomach when they see their man. They want to feel excitement. Asswipe Assface Ass-a-zoids give them this feeling. But then the girl realizes later she is with an assface and wonders why she did this...

YOU are a nice guy. YOU are boring. YOU are not creating excitement in her.

Sorry man. But this is why you come to me. I'm giving it to you hard and straight. Just like you'd like to be giving it to her. HA HA HA! Ahem. Sorry. So here we go...

- Make her laugh.
- Teach her things about herself that she doesn't know.
- Tease her in a fun way.
HINT: She should be laughing, not crying.
- Be a man with big dreams and goals who is headed to a life of Awesome.
- Be a man that she can't have easily. Be hard to get. (Notice I didn't say PLAY hard to get. BE hard to get.)
- Be a super cool kick-@ss man that she would feel lucky to be with. Don't you want to be with a girl who you can brag about to your friends? Well she wants to be able to brag about you. Are you brag-worthy?
- Be unpredictable.
And I don't mean that you surprise her with a dozen roses full of diamonds made of chocolate. You can't do that sappy sh!t until AFTER she's attracted to you. Got it?

Look, I'm a nice guy, too. But only AFTER the girl PROVES TO ME that she's worth it. And even then, I'm not THAT nice. I care for her. I take care of her. But I won't get walked on. And if she's being a brat, I will put her in line. Why? Because I'm the man. And that's my job.

And that romantic Shakespeare crap is out of style. Girls may SAY they want that, but you've tried it. How has it worked out so far?

So again, you can be Mr. Romance AFTER she shows she is attracted to you.

How do you know she's attracted to you?

I don't care what a girl SAYS. I don't care what ANYONE says. It's what they DO. Actions speak 1.5 Million* times louder than words.

* According to an independent study of studly studiers.

Level 1
- She remembers your name.
- She touches you.
- She keeps eye-contact.
- When she sees you she does not need to cover her mouth with her hand to stop from vomiting.

Level 2
- When getting together with you she gets herself pretty. In other words, she isn't hanging out in sweats with anti-zit cream on her face.
- She is stroking something of a cylinder shape like her lipstick or her beer bottle or an actual pen!s.
NOTE: Negative points if it's someone ELSE'S pen!s.
- When you take her hand, her fingers intertwine with yours.

Level 3
- You kiss.
- You squeeze each others' body parts.
- You kiss each others' body parts.
- She doesn't blurt out, "Ew!"

Level 4
- You are inside of her.
- She does not require payment.

Level 5
- She has said yes to your marriage proposal.

Level 6
- VERY RARE!!! She said yes to your marriage proposal 10 years ago yet still participates in activities in Levels 3 and 4.

You got into the Friend Zone by lying to her.

That's how every guy gets into the Friend Zone. The guy thinks if he hides his true intention of wanting the woman as a girlfriend then he can get close to her emotionally and then transition the friendship to a boinkship. Or he might tell himself he's too shy to tell her his true feelings.

I don't care how you slice it. You are being a p*ssy and you are being deceitful. Neither are desirable traits to attract a quality girl.

Be a Man. When the time is right, show her how you feel. Notice I didn't say TELL her. I said SHOW her. How do you show her? With a kiss. With the best kiss she's ever had in her life.

The time is right within the FIRST TIME you meet a girl. As soon as you get the idea that she's attracted to you, you can start to SHOW her you are attracted to her with some Level 2 activities. If she is responsive, then go for the kiss. Of course, this should be somewhere somewhat private. Take her to the corner of the bar. Or in the dark movie theater. Or into your windowless van.

For future reference:


Let your feelings be known. You are not here to make friends. You are sizing her up to see if she is worthy of head-butting your beautiful genitalia with her mouth.

AFTER she is attracted to you, you build friendly rapport. Then when you are both attracted to each other and both COMFORTABLE with being friends THEN you go for the kiss. And it had best be a good one. If you suck at kissing, go learn. It's important. Girls love to kiss.

I'm going to guess though that you love this particular girl and that she is the 100% only girl for you and you'd die without her and she's the sun and you're the moon who revolves around her and... this is the kind of thinking that makes her not want you.

Get it?

You are needy. Women are attracted to power. You are showing her that you're powerless. Women want a man who CAN have any woman he wants but CHOOSES her. That makes her feel special.

Right now she probably thinks you can't get another girl.

On a rare occasion, you may actually have accidentally slipped into the Friend Zone with a girl who is worth the incredible hardship of digging your way out. (But usually guys feel this way because they can't easily meet or get with other girls not because the girl is really that awesome. How do you know if the girl is truly awesome? That's another question for another time.)

So I will tell you...


- Show her that you are a pimptacular pimp-daddy pimp machine.
Make sure she sees you with other girls. The hotter the better.

- Get her attracted to you. You're already friends, now get her adrenaline going. Ignite her hormones.

- Tell her she can't have you.
Rule of Life #8,012: People want what they can't have.
Tell her something like, "You probably know I used to have a crush on you. But now I'm dating Jessica, you know, the Physicist who's also a cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys... anyway, I wonder if we would've made a good couple. Oh well. It's too late now. See ya around, kiddo!"

- Continue to be a good friend but be busy. Don't be there at her every beck and call.
Rule of Life #413: People value things that are scarce. People take for granted things that are abundant.

Your time is valuable. Make it scarce so she knows how valuable it is. You should be busy with your life. Let her know that you're a busy guy who is in demand. That you're ambitious and working on your goals. You will talk to her but you don't have all day and night to hang. You've got a lot going on!

At first she may be upset, but she'll start to respect you more. And girls are only attracted to guys they respect. No respect = no attraction = you writing poems like:

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
But thou art more hot;
I wantest thou to roll in the hay
But thou hast a lock on thy twat
So I sit here, the oh-so-lonely suitor
Gazing at acts of fornication downloaded on my computer.


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Dating Advice Man. Relationship Advice + Twisted Humor. Good Advice from HogWild. Jokes.  HOGWILD.NET  expert dating advice Relationship Advice.