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How to Kiss

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Hey Hog,

You've said that kissing is very important to girls. Well since it's so important, I want to know how to do it better. What is your advice on how to give a girl a kiss she will never forget?

- W in New York City


Hog's Relationship Advice:

A girl will never forget your kiss if you gently caress her lower lip with your lips... then you softly touch her tongue with your tongue, then you slowly breathe in as you stomp on her foot as hard as you can! That's a kiss she'll never forget! HA HA HA!

Then, after the emergency room doctors untwist your testicles, come back here and I'll tell you how to kiss her the right way. :)

Why is kissing so important to girls?

Because girls know that a kiss conveys your personality. Most guys consider kissing just step 1 in the checklist of chores that must be accomplished before getting into her pretty little panties.

But girls are right. How you kiss tells a lot about you. So be certain you are sending the right message!


The dead fish: You basically just stick your tongue in the other person's mouth and let it lay there. Ew. When a girl kisses like this, I know she's gonna suck in bed. And not the good kind of sucking in bed! If a girl kisses like this, it is the last kiss she will have with me.

The sloppy wet one: Spit is pouring everywhere, drool is dripping out the corner of your mouth, your tongue is splashing around like a puppy in a pool.

Guys, if you kiss like this, you are telling the girl that you have no skills. You pay no attention to detail. And if there's one thing that's important to girls, it's those little stupid details. Like her birthday. And her name.

The Suck Face: You mouth is not a wet-vac. You are not detailing a car. Do not suck the fillings out of her back teeth. You will scare the girl because she will think you are controlling. And because the vacuum you create in her head will pop her eyeballs out of her skull.

The Overly Aggressive Monster: Don't attack her mouth. You and her are on the same team. You're not a running back plowing through the defensive line to score a touchdown. This tells the girl that it's probably been awhile for you. You're over-anxious. Not good. Girls want a guy who is not desperate. So ease into it before you start throttling her face.

A kiss conveys the girl's personality, too. I like to start kissing slow and gentle and then work her up until I know she can't take it anymore and then I... make her wait a little longer. Because I'm a jerk like that. :)

But then I give her a really passionate pucker-rama. Sometimes, I'll meet a girl who doesn't like that. They only want the soft lovey-dovey type of kiss. Right there I know that this girl is not the kind of girl I'm interested in. Personally, I like a girl who knows when to be nice and when to be naughty. Really naughty. :)

NOTE: There's fun naughty and not-fun naughty. Fun Naughty: we watch dirty movies together. Not-fun Naughty: I find out she's stolen my identity and opened 3 credit cards in my name.

Guys, I know you want techniques. But before I give you the "How to" manual, remember, 90% of sex is MENTAL. You MUST build it up in her MIND. Lather up her EMOTIONS. Get her in the MOOD.

When guys hear "mood" they think bubble bath and crappy light rock music. But that's not the only kind of mood that get girls ready to romp on your romance-rod. There's also the "dirty" mood and the "anticipation" mood and the "exciting" mood. And everyone's favorite, the "drunk" mood.

So what do girls find most attractive in a guy?

An all-expense paid trip to the Jamaica!

But after that... CONFIDENCE.

You MUST convey confidence in your kiss. Do not even ATTEMPT to kiss a girl if you are unsure of yourself or you will pull-back if she seems hesitant. If she rejects your kiss, it's not the end of the world. It just means that she needs more tequila. HA HA!


Really, it just means you need to get her more attracted to you and get her in the proper mood.



Build it up in her mind. Look at her in a way that shows her you will have her.

OK, now breathe slowly and deeply. Put your face to her neck. Breathe in her perfume. Smell her. Put your hand behind her ear and stroke her hair. Gently breathe in her ear. Moan into her ear, "You smell soooo good." Grunt. Make manly noises. Like, <BELCH!>

Kiss her neck. Suck on her neck. Softly lick her ear.

NOTE: The outside of her ear. Not the inside. You're not giving her a wet willy!

Kiss up her neck and down her neck. Gently put your hand around her throat. Look directly into her eyes. Don't break eye contact. Feel her temperature rise. Begin to close your eyes and go in towards her lips. Stop. Pull her hair. Hard.

NOTE: Pull from the back. Not the front.

Pull her hair back so her neck is exposed to you. Bite her neck and kiss her neck. Get more passionate. As you do this, grip your hands around her waist. Let her know you are in control.

If she tries to grab you and force you to kiss her (and she very well might!) do not let her. Tell her to be patient.

NOTE: This means you are doing great! You're driving her crazy!

When you're ready to kiss her, gently, so gently, suck her lower lip. Insert your tongue into her mouth. Play with her tongue. Be soft and smooth and gentle. As you kiss, cradle the back of her head. Do this for a little while. Then, suddenly -- stop. Look her in the eyes like you're really angry at her. Yank her hair. Push her up against the wall. Now REALLY kiss her.

Thrust your tongue deep into her mouth. Grip her face while you kiss her. Stop kissing her and suck on her neck. Now here is the point where you can make her moist down in her uh, moist regions.

Now I'm gonna tell you some advanced sh!t right here! :)

Talk dirty in her ear.

How dirty depends on you.

I like to say exactly what I'm thinking in the moment. Remember, she's all hot already so I growl in her ear in a low manly voice, "You taste sooo good. I want to taste ALL of you. I want to kiss you all over your body. I want to be inside you. I want to make you feel soooo good. I'm gonna *&%# you until you %$#. I want to see your body shake..."

NOTE: *&%# = "feed" and %$# = "fart."

If you're Amish you may say something like:

"You smell soooo good. I want to hold your hand in public and let our fingers intertwine! I don't care who sees! I can't wait to remove your bonnet, baby!"

Basically, you want to show the girl you have PASSION. Some fire! Show her you're a man. Show her with your kiss.

Other things that make a great kiss:

The location.

You can't always control this, but girls appreciate a nice setting. Most girls would prefer to kiss on the beach during a sunset than in your bedroom littered with dirty socks and dust balls the size of avocados.

So if you can, choose some nice locations. Or make your location nicer.


Stinky breath. Always have fresh breath. Always.
Get a dental cleaning at least once every 6 years. Uh, months. Seriously. It's easy and not that expensive.


Girls want to feel sparks. So as you kiss her, jab her in the ribs with a Taser.

If you are strong enough and she's light enough, lift her up and kiss her. Have her wrap her legs around your waist and throw her arms around your neck.

If against a wall, pin her arms to the wall as you kiss her. If on the bed, pin her arms over her head as you kiss her passionately. You will give her the wonderful feminine feeling of her being submissive to you.

As you're kissing, tell her to stick out her tongue. Notice, I didn't say ask. Tell her. "Stick out your tongue." Then suck her tongue.

As you elevate the passion of the kiss, you can begin exploring her body with your hands. Keep kissing her.

The main thing here is... Enjoy it! Be playful. Be passionate. Be spontaneous! Tease her! Touch her! Tase her! :)

Too many couples stop kissing. They get in a pattern of going right to sex. But kissing is all about communicating your passion for each other. Kissing is what makes a relationship intimate. Without kissing, two people are just friends. Or porn actors.

Kissing is super important. Get great at it.

So push your girl up against a wall, pull her hair, look her in the eye and say, "I want to feed you until you fart." <BELCH!> HA HA HA!


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