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Hey Hog,

You give great advice so I'm writing to ask, How do I know if my girlfriend truly loves me? She says it all the time but it's a long-distance relationship and she could be cheating on me. Do you think she only wants me for how I look? (I'm not some overly self-confident guy but I've been with some really hot girls -- hotter than her -- but I really love her.)

- D in Long Island, NY

Hog's Relationship Advice:

If you want an in-depth answer to how to know if someone loves you, check out the video where I answer that question. But the quick answer is, you probably DON'T love each other.

You're like, "YES we do!"

"We love each other like the night sky loves the moon. Like the sun loves the sea. Like Super Mario loves mushrooms."

OK, prove it.

Ah, see love is not what you say. It's what you do. It's what you CHOOSE to do for each other. How you treat each other. A super smart French dude once said, "Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."

That means love is not that infatuated feeling where you have googly eyes and all you do all day is think about your girl and spank it to her picture and write her poetry about how you're spanking it to her picture. No. That's infatuation.

"LOVE" POEM ABOUT SPANKING IT TO HER PICTURE
My heart skips a beat when you walk in the room
I fart old meat because my stomach goes vrooooom
My love for you is forever like diamonds, passionate like rubies...
I wanna lick your boobies!

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND INFATUATION
A really smart person wrote a song called Smoke Gets in Your Eyes. He said, "When your heart's on fire, you must realize -- Smoke gets in your eyes."

The passion in your heart and in your boner (or ladies, in your uh, hoo-ha) clouds your judgement and you can't see this person for who they really are. You look past the warning signs. This is why you should have a list of values you want in a partner so you can make a LOGICAL decision instead of a purely emotionally based decision.

Lots of you are going, "Logical?! Love isn't logical!"

No... infatuation isn't logical. Choosing to love someone is an important decision. You are allowing this person to affect your entire life! I would hope you put some thought into this and not just act with your boner (or ladies, your uh, lady-boner.)

Infatuation is an accident of circumstance. You both happen to be lonely at the same time and you find each other reasonably attractive.

Love is a choice. You'll see that once the infatuation ends. And it always does. Most couples break up at this point. But the ones who CHOOSE to love each other keep going strong.

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." You're no longer locked into each others' bodies, you are locked into each others' PURPOSE. It's not what you WANT from each other, it's what you can GIVE to each other. It's about creating a life together. It's about how you can SERVE each other.

That's some grown-up talk. I don't expect you to really follow it because 99% of people don't. They jump from relationship to relationship, always quitting when the infatuation runs out. They only stay together if they got married while infatuated. Then they're stuck in a marriage with no infatuation feeling and they get sad. Or they even break-up the marriage. They never know what it really means to love someone. They only love themselves.

Ugh! I can't give you a short answer on this topic because this is the #1 most important topic to me. Learning how to love someone is the most important thing you'll ever do as a human being right after learning how to defeat Count Bleck and the Chaos Heart in Super Paper Mario.

Most people never bother to learn how to love someone. They just follow the example set by their parents. But our parents don't always set the best examples. Do they?

Do yourself a favor. You take the time to learn stupid stuff like song lyrics and dance moves and quantum mechanics, so learn all you can about love and what it really means.

For your other questions. It's a long-distance relationship... She'd better be damn special. Do you share the same values? Do you even know what you value in a woman?

Could she be cheating on you? Of course! There is no way you can track her every move. You trust her or you don't. Part of love is being willing to take a risk. You trust this other person with your deepest feelings... Don't do this without some damn thought! Get to know someone before you DECIDE to love them. Is she worthy of your feelings? Will she handle your feelings with care?

Or will she trample your heart like kid elephants trample flowers when they're running into the lunch room for peanut butter sandwiches.

Last part: Does she want you for how you look? I have no idea what you look like. But if she does want you for your looks, congratulations! That's awesome!

Just like with guys, girls can start out liking you for your looks or for your car or for your awesome collection of 1990s gangsta rap music.

But then it can grow into something more.

Here's an experiment you can do to see if she only likes you for your looks:

1 - Bring a large pot of water to a roiling boil.
2 - Stick your face in the boiling water for 30 seconds.
3 - See if she still likes you now that you have no skin on your face.

PLUSSES AND MINUSES OF HAVING NO SKIN ON YOUR FACE
PLUS: Without skin on your face, you'll no longer have worry about getting pimples!

MINUS: Um, it's going to hurt really freakin' bad.

NOTE TO MORONS: Please don't boil your face.

So stop using the word love until you know what it means. Say, "I like you so much. I care about you. You give me a boner." (Or for the ladies, "You put the sugar in my uh, sugar-hole.") But don't use the word love until you're ready to put HER needs ahead of your own -- not just when you feel like it, but EVERY day. Don't use the word love until you're ready to create a life together...

Until you're ready to look outward together in the same direction and share your purpose in life -- to dodge fireballs, eat Super Mushrooms and defeat the evil Bowser!

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