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Dating Advice Man + Twisted Humor by the Expert Dating Advice giver HogWild
Expert Dating Advice
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Watch my dating advice video or read my dating advice below:Hey HogWild,
This guy starts making eye contact and smiling at me.
And of course, I start thinking that he likes me. So I try to like him back and I end up liking him.
Then at the end of the school year I figure that he's just too shy to ask me out so I end up asking him and he says no.
This made me mad so I ask him why he was leading me on with all the eye contact and whatnot.
He says that he was just being polite. I don't understand how he could think that holding eye contact with a girl for like 10 seconds at a time is just polite and this is not a stupid guy.
He has a 4.0 GPA and he's on the Football team.
So then I start to get over him over the summer. Then I go to the first football game this year and the minute I see him I start to like him again! I'm so confused! What should I do?
- S in New York
Hog's Relationship Advice:
This Football player guy dropped the ball with you. Now you should spike it down his throat! Kick him between the uprights!
<WHISTLE!> Personal Foul on my part. Sorry.
I have 4 football points to make with you:
1 - It sounds like you like the IDEA of being on a football team more than you actually like HIS football team.
The fact that a guy likes you, is NOT a good enough reason to like him back.
Because now you're inventing reasons to go along with your decision. NOW you think he's cute when before you didn't notice him. NOW you think he's nice when before you thought he was a jerk-face jerk-a-zoid because he stomped on the fluffy tails of kittens.
So here's what you do:
List your Top 3 Traits you want in a boyfriend
1 - funny
Then list all your Deal Breakers. The things that automatically disqualify a guy.
Make sure any guy you're considering matches up to your lists!
2nd Down: Don't ask guys out.
The only exception to this rule is if you like being the one in charge. But if you want a guy who acts like an assertive man, then you should follow this rule.
As a female, it is your job to GET HIM to ask you out. Guys will ask you out if they are attracted to you AND they think you will say yes.
Because guys are scared of getting rejected.
THINGS GUYS ARE SCARED OF
So if you make it pretty damn clear you like him, he will ask you out. Guys aren't very good at getting the hint, so you will probably have to drop like 8 or 9 thousand hints.
HOW TO HINT THAT YOU LIKE A BOY
- touch his arm when you speak
3rd Down: How to make a guy more attracted to you.
Make him feel good.
How do you make a guy feel good?
By 1 - looking hot and 2- giving him an Ego Boner.
When a guy has a hot girl, he feels great because other guys are jealous of him. When a guy has an ugly girl, he feels ashamed and doesn't let her walk next to him during daylight hours.
So make yourself as hot as you can. Sound superficial? It is! Get used to it. It's how the world works.
* Dress in a way that flatters your body. Show off your boobs and butt. Accentuate your positive parts. Hide your fat parts. If you only have fat parts, wear a pumpkin suit. Because pumpkins are cool.
* Make sure you are in good shape, that your skin is nice, your hair is in a cool style, and your make-up makes your face look pretty and not like a finger painting done by a 5 year old chicken on roller skates.
* Don't have a mustache. If you do, either remove it or curl up the ends. Like this:
* Always smell good. Nothing is sweeter than a girl who smells good. Nothing is worse than a girl who stinks like sweaty vagina cheese. Yuck!
NOTE TO SELF: I wonder what kind of wine goes with vagina cheese? Probably some sort of French wine...
* Have teeth. Have straight teeth. If you are missing teeth or if they are crooked or yellow then that's really awesome because it will match your pumpkin suit!
How do you give a guy an Ego Boner? By stroking his Ego! Stroke it fast, stroke it slow, tell him he's got a HUGE ego! Because he does!
In this case, since he's a football player, go to the games. But also talk to him afterwards. But don't say the same things as everyone else.
Compliment him on the things that no one else notices... And the time when he'll appreciate you THE MOST is after he has a BAD game. That's when he'll need an ego boost.
Be there to comfort him and make him feel better. Tell him how great he is.
Tell him he gets your MVP award. For Manly Veiny Pen!s. Ewwww! That was kinda gross. It's nicer to say MUCHO Veiny Pen!s.
Tell him they should give the game ball and make a statue of him and name the stadium after him or at least throw him a parade through the streets of Canada.
Guys want to feel powerful and desired and admired and respected.
Be interested in the things he's interested in. Listen to him. Hang on his every word. Nothing is more flattering to a person than really LISTENING to them and UNDERSTAND them. Do this better than anyone else and you will get your man.
4th Down: My suggestion? Punt this guy!
It sounds like he liked you at one point, then changed his mind. Is he really worth all this trouble?
My suggestion is for you to write out what you are looking for and find a guy who matches up to your X's and O's.
Now go out there and run the Buttonhook play. That's where you make a pass at this guy, give him an Ego Boner, then suddenly you disappear and he's attacked by homosexual bears looking to huddle up in his End Zone!
* Watch my dating advice videos or improve your dating with dating coach HogWild.
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