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Hey HogWild,

I like this girl and think she may like me, too. Tonight for some reason she went to her ex-boyfriend's house -- so she claimed. But she posted comments on her friend's Facebook pictures and I tracked the IP address and it was hers. So she lied about being at her ex's house. Was she trying to see if I'm jealous?!

NOTE: This is the first guy to go crazy about a girl who is NOT at her ex-boyfriend's house.

I asked her if she's getting back with her ex-boyfriend. Two hours go by and she replies NO. But during that two hour gap I asked her the very same question on MSN. So now that two hours have gone by she responds via text and answers my question with the "NO" she and asks me what am I doing now.

So I reply back to her via text "I'm on Facebook." Then 20 minutes goes by and no text. Now all of a sudden she responds back to me on MSN and says "What is it with you being concerned with me and guys! He is an ex for a reason. I'm going to bed! Bye!"

I never heard back from her. What should I do? Should I just wait for her to talk to me again? I don't know. It's been 3 hours now since the MSN message.

- C in Canada

Hog's Relationship Advice:

You destroyed any chance you had with this girl.

Not only did you destroy your chances, you burnt them to the ground, stomped on the ashes, took a pee-pee on them, then fired a machine gun in the air to celebrate.

Now a parade is stomping over your deceased chances with banners that say, "YOUR CHANCES ARE DEAD! WOO-HOO!"

Little smiling children are on their fathers' shoulders waving little flags that say, "You're screwed!"

So let's not focus on this PARTICULAR situation and on your overall problem of being a scrotum.

NOTE: You're a scrotum because a scrotum is a "nut case."

First of all, you have no right to be jealous because she's not even your girlfriend. She's just some girl you like. She can hang out with her ex-boyfriend or dance with Fabio or play spin the bottle with the offensive line of the Dallas Cowboys.

Second, even if she WAS your girlfriend, she would break-up with you. And for good reason.

You need to get your sh!t together. You are super insecure, weak, and clingy. This would be the exact opposite of what girls are looking for in a guy.

- body odor
- insecurity
- the fact that he tortures animals with his body odor

The lesson here is: Never play basketball then put your pet hamster in a headlock while your girlfriend watching.

Why are you so scared to lose this girl? Is she the most amazing girl ever? Is she the only girl who has ever talked to you? Will you DIE without her?

Before you can have a healthy relationship with another human, you need to have a healthy relationship with yourself. You need to learn how to have self-confidence and be self-reliant.

And the strange thing is, once you don't NEED a woman, women will WANT to be with you. Because they'll sense that you are confident and independent. And women want that kind of strong man. Not a guy who is tracking their IP address and checking their email and hiring a private investigator and implanting a GPS chip in their left butt cheek.

Your fear will cripple you. You need to stand up to your fears and conquer them.

You need to realize that you will be OK no matter what happens.

Don't even get CLOSE to girls until you get your head together. Your self-worth has nothing to do with what girls think about you. Or what ANYONE thinks about you.

Your self-worth should only be dependent upon ONE thing... how good you are... at thumb-wrestling.

I NEVER worry about whether a girl is cheating on me. Why? Because if someone really wants to do something, they will and you can't do a damn thing about it. You can't control everything and everyone. But what IS under your control -- is yourself.

If you treat a girl right and she's a good person, she is less likely to stray. And if she does, then throw her out and get a new girl. Yes. It's that simple.

Or be on your own. Notice, I didn't say Alone. I said, "on your own." Single does not equal lonely. Not if you have friends and a full life and great things that you want to accomplish. And guess what? When you have friends and a fun life and ambition to do great things -- girls are attracted to that stuff! They will want to be with you!

So here is what you should do. Quit girls until you develop proper self-confidence and self-reliance.

How to become SELF-CONFIDENT

- Act confidently. Your body and mind are connected.

When you feel sad, you body is slumped over and you walk slowly. When you dance around all happy, it's hard to feel sad because your body is sending happy messages to your brain. So you are going to FORCE your body to send confident messages to your brain ALL THE TIME by acting confident.

Here's how:

Walk tall. Smile. Speak loudly and clearly and deliberately. When you speak, EXPECT people to listen to you. Walk deliberately and with purpose. Stop crossing your arms over your chest. Open your arms and your stance. Breathe deeply. When you are in a room, act as if you OWN the entire building.

Don't act like you're apologizing. Be proud. If you fart in the elevator, don't slink down and hide. No! Proclaim, "Yes! It was *I* who blasted the ass trumpet!"

- Every time you hear that negative voice in your head, slap yourself in the face until it stops. Tell it to shut up. Then remind yourself of how awesome you are. Remember your achievements, accomplishments, and why you are a good person. You're a good person because unlike me, you never put a hamster in headlock.

NOTE TO HAMMY: I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it! I shouldn't have given you noogies! I was just teasing you! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings! I know that's why you ran away! I hope you're in a happy place where the ground is COVRED in empty toilet paper rolls!

- Remember you are loved by your Creator. We are all created in the image of God and God loves all of us.

Even the ugly ones who suck at thumb wrestling.

- If you want to improve something in your life, focus on moving forward! Feel great about recognizing the problem and working on it! Most people don't even do that! Feel great about getting your sh!t together!

- Be GRATEFUL and thankful for all that you have. There are people on earth who live in mud huts and are hungry. There are people suffering in physical pain so bad they can't even get out of bed. You are lucky. Don't take what you have for granted.

- Give to others. It feels great. Help people.

- Visualize the man you want to be. Imagine how great you will feel when you are confident and you don't give a f*ck what other people think about you. Don't worry if you will be loved because you are ALREADY loved.

Don't worry about ANYTHING because we're only on this planet for a short time and fear is the enemy that holds you back from reaching your full potential!

Work hard on this. Be patient because it's a process. An awesome process. If you're out of shape, you don't go to the gym and become fit and muscular in one week. But keep hitting the weights every day for months and you will begin to see the difference!

The truth here is that YOU are the hamster in the headlock. The hamster represents your full potential as a man. And the person putting you in a headlock -- is you.

So follow the steps to become more confident! Stop being a scrotum! Stop stalking girls! And start challenging them to thumb-wrestling! And if the girl is about the beat you, let loose with your secret weapon... your ass-trumpet! <Faaarrrrt!>

Sure you'll lose the girl but you'll WIN the match. Just don't LIGHT a match.



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Dating Advice Man. Relationship Advice + Twisted Humor. Good Advice from HogWild. Jokes.  HOGWILD.NET  expert dating advice Relationship Advice.