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Hey Hog,

I'm wondering do you have any tips on how to keep your man loyal?

- R in New Jersey

Hog's Relationship Advice:

There is no such thing as loyalty.

This is why people are always disappointed when their friend betrays them or their husband cheats or when that old lady you helped across the street won't testify in court to your whereabouts on September 3rd and she lets you get locked up for a murder you didn't commit.

I know for some of you this will blow your mind but for those of you who can handle it, I will share my epiphany.

People operate under a very simple principle. Before every action they make a calculation weighing out the anticipated pleasure of taking the action versus the anticipated pain of the consequences.

For instance, will your man cheat on you with a hot client while he's away on the business trip? Or with the hot girl who works in aisle 12 of the supermarket? Or with the lady who announces how many voice mails you have on your phone?

NOTE: She's hot!

Well, if he has the opportunity, he will think about how much pleasure he would get from the encounter versus the chances he will be in pain. In other words, what are the chances he THINKS you will catch him. What are the chances this will destroy his relationship with you? How much pain will he feel if loses you?

If he no longer values your relationship together, he will be more likely to cheat... Girls do this all the time. Girls are MUCH more likely to cheat when things are going bad in their relationship.

Why? Because the pain of losing the relationship is lessened because they might think the relationship will end soon anyway.

A person is also more likely to cheat if they can JUSTIFY their actions to themselves. If a guy feels like you are giving him hell (not that you really are, but if he THINKS you are) then he can tell himself, that this little boink-fest is deserved because he's put up with so much of your crap.

IMPORTANT: People VERY RARELY do things they think are wrong. They feel it's okay because of certain reasons. They convince themselves. They tell themselves a story of why it's OK.

Like normally, you wouldn't poison your friend's pet bird. But what if it was a really mean parrot that welcomed you by saying, "Hey stupid! You're uglier than drunk chihuahua having an orgasm!"? You might "accidentally" knock over its cage so it flies out that open window. Or you might "accidentally" put some bleach in its water. Or "accidentally" stab through its torso with a knitting needle 17 times in a bloody violent rage as it screams, "Help! Help! That really stupid ugly person is stabbing me!"

So what kind of man is more likely to be loyal?

You want a guy who associates great pain with cheating. Not just with you. In general. A man who would feel guilt. A man whose IDENTITY is based in being faithful.

Just because a guy cheats at a card game doesn't mean he's gonna cheat on you in your relationship. But he's more likely. It speaks to his character.

You've got to realize a man's desire for sha-boinking new women is tremendous.

A MAN'S STRONGEST MOST BURNING DESIRES
- squeezing a new pair of beautiful squeeze 'ums
- to leave a legacy of greatness
And when those aren't possible...
- drink beer.

That's why men drink a lot of beer.

A man's brain and body are wired differently from a woman's. Man is wired to boink as many women as possible -- to impregnate them all and populate the world with his DNA. Woman is wired to boink the most powerful and successful man to GET pregnant with the BEST DNA.

Does this make sense to you yet? When a woman cheats how often does she hook up with some scrubby dude and says, "Oh well! I'm cheating on my man because I want some random jammy in my hoo-ha!"

No. She cheats with a guy she considers to be more successful or cooler or hotter than her current dude. The lead singer of the band, the high-powered executive, the brave fireman... and the ultimate for any woman -- the cool bartender who actually owns the bar and is a part-time fireman... when he's not on tour with his mega-popular rock group named "Magic Fingers."

However, when a GUY cheats, it doesn't have to be with a girl who is hotter or more successful than his current girl. (Sure, a guy PREFERS a hot chick...) But he craves variety. He craves the ego-trip that another girl wants him. This is why guys will sometimes boink a gnarly-walrus looking woman.

He may not keep her for a relationship, but he boinks her just because he craves sex in general and she was the easiest to get.

Again, most guys don't go for the hottest girl. They go for the easiest girl who is hot ENOUGH.

This is why many dudes have a girl with whom they've done the slobby-kebaby -- who if you showed them her picture in the light of day -- their face would turn red. Then lime green. Then back to normal as they wipe the chunks of regurgitation off their shirt.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MAN LOYAL?

Easy!

Keep him happy!

It's much simpler than you think.

Remember HogWild's simple formula to determine your rating:

YOUR HOTNESS RATING minus YOUR ANNOYING RATING minus YOUR PSYCHO RATING.

Stop nagging him. Stop being crazy jealous.

I realize these two things are easier said than done.

But you need to stop being petty. Don't have so many rules. Choose your battles.

When he doesn't do the stuff you want, he probably is not INTENDING to disrespect you or fail to show his appreciation. If you FEEL disrespected or unappreciated -- TELL HIM!

A man cannot read your mind. And he doesn't get hints. Saying, "pick your socks off the damn floor" 100 times means to him that you're annoying and have a sock-phobia. Instead, say the following ONCE,

YOU: Sweetheart, when you leave your dirty socks on the floor it makes me feel like you expect me to be your maid and that you are disrespecting me. It means a lot to me when you pick up after yourself. When you do that it makes me feel like you appreciate me. It makes me feel like you really care about me and love me.

HIM: The socks are that important?

YOU: Not the socks. You treating me like you love me. The socks are a super simple way for you to SHOW me that you care about me. Now, I know you will take care of it. So tell me what can *I* do for you to show you that I really care about you?

HIM: Um... I really like it when you wrap your lips around my uh, romance-rod.

YOU: OK, but will you wash your b@lls more often?

HIM: Got it! You don't like dirty socks or dirty b@lls! I'm so happy we had this talk!

Keeping your man means you must LOOK GOOD.

Yes, it is important. Very important. You know it is. That's why you spend money on cosmetics and nice looking clothes and on your hair.

A guy wishes you would look the way you did when he first fell in love with you -- forever. Of course, you can't. You will age. But you CAN do the following:

- stay in nice shape!
- wear your hair the way he likes
- dress in a way that flatters your body

If you're thinking, "Why should I do these things for him?" then perhaps you shouldn't be with him. If you don't respect your man enough to WANT to look good for him then maybe he's not worthy of you? Or maybe you have given up?

SIGNS THAT YOU NO LONGER RESPECT YOUR GUY
- you fart around him. At the dinner table. Then request a high-five.
- when he tells you about his exciting new plans to make more money you roll your eyes while twirling your index finger.
- you no longer call him by those cute little pet names like sweetie or honey. Now you call him by NEW pet names like moron and idiot.

It just doesn't sound as nice!

OLD PET NAME
YOU: Would you please pick up my mother from the airport, sweetie?

NEW PET NAME
YOU: Would you please pick up my mother from the airport, lil' b!tch?

As a man, he should also work hard for you. He should WANT to take care of you. Be successful for you. Look good for you.

So yes, do some Yoga, eat healthy, take care of your skin.

Also, and this is huge -- be awesome in bed and be AVAILABLE.

This means you will sometimes have sex when you don't really feel like it.

TIMES WHEN YOU WANT SEX
- when he's just done something really manly
- you just ate a bunch of chocolate
- you're tipsy on red wine
- it's 7 pm on Tuesday and that's what you scheduled in your calendar

TIMES WHEN HE WANTS SEX
- he is awake
- he is asleep
- he is half-awake

Again, this is all under the assumption that you love your man and want to keep him happy... Does he do things for YOU that he may not feel like doing? But he does them because he knows they make you happy?

If yes, then he deserves the same from you. He may not want you to mow the lawn, or throw out the trash, or visit your family for 12 hours -- what he wants is sex when he needs it. Yes, NEEDS it.

If you don't provide him with enough good sex, he WILL look elsewhere. Trust me.

If you want the bullpoopy soft reasons why guys stray look somewhere else -- I'm telling you the HARD TRUTH. Why? Because I actually care enough to share this with you because it makes me happy when couples stay together and LOVE each other instead of leaving each other.

YOUR CHOICES IN A RELATIONSHIP
- Love each other 100%
- Leave each other
- Be miserable and complain to all your friends until your friends hate you for being annoying and now they can see why your man doesn't like you either.

Fulfill your dude's fantasies in the bedroom. Be open to trying new things.

NEW THINGS TO TRY
- outfits
- dirty talk
- watching dirty movies
- using power tools
- if you're super secure, inviting another girl into the bedroom
- leaving the window shades open. And investing in a blinking neon sign that points to the window. And posting the exact time of your love-making on the internet.

NOTE: If you do this, your OTHER fantasy will come true of having a police officer in your bedroom! Except he'll be arresting you. Hot!

Other ways to keep your man happy:

Feed him. Men are much simpler than women. Men, in general, want good food and good sex. Give him those two things and you're two-thirds of the way to having a very satisfied man.

The other thing you must give your man are certain manly feelings...

A man wants to feel...
important
appreciated
big
strong
powerful
successful
loved.

He wants to feel like he's THE MAN.

He may not be The Man at the office or at bar or on his bowling team -- but when he comes home -- if you make him feel this way -- he will become addicted to you and the feelings you give him.

You need to give him an ego-boner. Stroke his ego until he feels big and powerful.

People stay with people who make them FEEL GOOD.

When you give your man great sex and great food and tell him he's wonderful, you are making him feel AWESOME!!!

Of course he'll want to stay with you! You might be the only woman who has ever made him feel this way! He won't want to risk losing that for some 3 dollar ho with a 5 dollar hand bag that she got for 4 dollars on the street! That's MY 2 cents.

To give your man those feelings you need to DO things.

* Take ACTION that shows him that you think he's successful and strong.

* TELL HIM every day.

* TOUCH HIM in such a way that communicates your respect and admiration for him.

* SPEND TIME with him and listen to him. Encourage him to talk about his dreams and desires.

* GIVE HIM little gifts that show your appreciation.

A fully satisfied person cannot be seduced.

If a man has a full stomach, and another woman puts a juicy steak in front of him -- sure his eyes will get big -- but he won't be able to eat it. You want your man's stomach full.

You want his eyes glazed over from great sex and great food and great feelings like you just threw everything off the Thanksgiving table and made love to him in the cranberry sauce!

This is why relationships are hard work! Why do you think most relationships rank somewhere between mediocre and sucky? Because most people are lazy. They don't care enough to WORK for it!

But I'll tell you this. It's worth it.

THINGS THAT ARE WORTH THE WORK
- a great relationship
- freshly baked apple pie
- organizing your porn collection in a complex data base by director, actress, and number of midgets in the opening scene.

Ahem.

Important note: If your man mistreats you... is really mean to you... he is more likely to cheat. Because once a person mistreats someone they justify to themselves that this other person deserves it. So NEVER LET A MAN MISTREAT YOU!

So now let's talk about the Anticipated Pain part of the calculation...

1 - You need your man to know that WITHOUT A DOUBT, if he cheats on you, he WILL experience mega-pain.

You will leave him and NEVER come back. The End. No negotiation.

Because in the Anticipated Pleasure versus Anticipated Pain equation, the Pain is less if he thinks he can convince you to forgive him and take him back. Tell him you WILL forgive him but you will NEVER take him back. NEVER!!!

2 - Give him the feeling of anticipated GUILT.

Let him know how hurt you will be if he ever cheats.

Now imagine he's cheated and start crying. Tell him to look at your face as the tears are streaming down. Make him look at you! Tell him you love him so much and if he is ever tempted to be with another woman, he should remember your face -- because that's how much he will hurt you.

This is very powerful. And effective.

3 - Now stroke his ego. Tell him, "One of the reasons I love you so much is because I know you are a bigger man. Most guys fall to temptation. Some random pretty girl gives them some attention and they can't control themselves. They throw everything away for meaningless sex with some woman who doesn't even care about him. Who doesn't even know who he REALLY is."

"Well I know the REAL you. And I'm so proud of you. And I know that you are a bigger man than any other guy I could be with. I know you would never cheat because you're too good for that. And I love you for it."

"I want you to know you can talk to me about anything and I won't ever judge you or get jealous. I know you're a man and naturally you will have cravings for variety. I don't care if you look as long as you don't touch. Allow ME to make all your fantasies come true..."

"Think about if you caught me with another man having sex with me. Would that make you sick to your stomach? Well the thought of YOU with another woman makes me feel TEN TIMES worse than that. Why? Because I treasure you."

HIM: So uh, you were saying about those fantasies... I um... your cousin...

YOU: Grrrr!

HIM: ... is a very nice lady!

Now, some guys have a fear of opening up to a woman. They associate a lot of pain with relationships and they hurt their girl before she can hurt him. So they cheat because they KNOW THEY WILL GET CAUGHT and destroy the relationship before they are too emotionally involved.

This type of man is self-destructive. He is not ready for a relationship. I would suggest you stay away from this kind of man.

You won't. But you should.

You're only asking for drama.

But if you crave drama and adrenaline instead of deep love and commitment, then go ahead and enjoy your roller coaster.

Meanwhile, I'll be holding my girl enjoying cotton candy together laughing as you walk off the roller coaster and woozy and vomiting.

This might blow your mind but...

A man WANTS to be loyal. It feels crappy to deceive the one you love. He wants to give 100% of himself to you. But he also wants the fun sex and the feelings of being The Big Man. Give him those things and he will be "loyal."

Or more accurately he will equate too much pain with cheating on you as opposed the awesome pleasure YOU give him!

He's not gonna be pickin' up some skank at the bar. The only thing he'll be picking up is his SOCKS>

Please, how can some random 25 cent ho with a 50 cent hand bag who works in aisle 12 of the supermarket compete with you and your fresh apple pies and power tools?!

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