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a Expert Dating Advice column by Hog-Wild

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Q26: Dear Hog: My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. Lately I have noticed that we are not setting any records in the bedroom , if you know what I mean. I've tried to "turn" him on but nothing seems to work. You seem to be the King of nasty so I was wondering if you could help me out. I am afraid our relationship may end if something doesn't change. Thank you. --Denise L. from I.U. (Indiana University)

Q27: I’ve got Final Exams to study for but I just can’t get motivated. What should I do? – Kent from Syracuse U.

Q28: I want to bop my Professor. How do I approach her? – Slick Rick from SUNY Binghamton

Q29: I think my boyfriend is attracted to my mom. –Worried Wanda from BU

Q30: I think my friend has a drinking problem. He got drunk before his last Final and showed up an hour late. Is it my place to step in? What should I do? - Concerned Pal at BU

Q31: My butt is itchy all the time. Do you recommend anything? --Donald in Akron

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Q26: Dear Hog: My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. Lately I have noticed that we are not setting any records in the bedroom , if you know what I mean. I've tried to "turn" him on but nothing seems to work. You seem to be the King of nasty so I was wondering if you could help me out. I am afraid our relationship may end if something doesn't change. Thank you. --Denise L. from I.U. (Indiana University)

Ok Denise, first of all I am not "King of nasty." I am a sweetheart. I am just an intensely sweet and loving person. Even my poops taste sugary. (So say the army of green turd-trolls with blue helmets who patrol it.) But in any case, I don’t really understand the situation, you—the bim—is willing to give up the Fun-Dip, yet he—the nub—is not willing taste it? Perhaps it is the flavor of your Fun-Dip. Maybe he likes strawberry and you’ve got grape. Maybe he like watermelon and you’ve got tuna.

Oh! And there lies the truth, Denise. Let’s be honest. You haven’t been diligent in washing out the Love Canal, have you? The Love Canal can be a beautiful place, full of harps echoing and birds chirping and rainbows made of . . . well, let’s not get TOO gross. But the Love Canal, when not properly maintained can also be a disgusting sewer system full of slimy sludge. Not only is this revolting, but you risk the chance that 4 crime fighting turtles will make their underground residence in your raw sewage factory.

So girl, try sitting on a can of Lysol or maybe hang one of those pine-tree car fresheners over it. And if that doesn’t do it, maybe his jammy is broken. In any case, offer him a home cooked meal with you wearing just a sexy, silk, Victoria’s Secret apron. And if THAT don’t work, dude probably wants to play ass-hair tug of war with the dog.

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Q27: I’ve got Final Exams to study for but I just can’t get motivated. What should I do? – Kent from Syracuse U.

You should put on an Atlanta Braves cap and look yourself in the mirror. Because you will become a LOSER. That’s right, someone who had a shot at being a winner but choked in the big game. Slap yourself on the ass and get movin’! You might even enjoy it! When your mind is stuck, move your body. Jump rope, play hopscotch, dress up Barbies.

Stop gargling brewski’s and get focused. Stop "researching" on the Internet and keep your hands above keyboard-level. If you do well now you will have you choice of careers. If you Lewinsky (ya know, blow it) you will NOT have a choice. Remember you’re working for your F.E.P. (future earning potential). And that’s what attracts the bims! The F.E.P.! They don’t want a nub who has no drive. ‘Cause no drive = no car. Get it? Why do you think John Glenn went around the Earth in a tuna can? Because he was a brave pioneer? No! To get the bims! He STILL gets bims for that! Why do you think Hank Aaron hit so many home runs? To win ball games? No you fool! Home runs = big units = mad bims even if you HAVE a small unit. DAAAAAMN!

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Q28: I want to bop my Professor.  How do I approach her? – Slick Rick from SUNY Binghamton

First of all RICHARD, using sophomoric nicknames will not get you in with the ladies. Take it from the HOG. Anyhoo, you don’t approach her. This puts her in an awkward sich-ee-ation. If you say, "Yo baby yo, Professor TiteBuns, how ‘bout we gets it on?", her only acceptable response would be to force-feed chalk into your bloody nostrils.

So if you really like this bim, you go on the P.I. tip and find out where she hangs. Maybe it’s at a certain museum, a coffee shop, a greasy-hooter bar. Whatever. Be there when she’s there. Bump into her and say "Damn girl, your ass is stressing the fibers in the front of my skivvies!" Then you fake embarrassment and say, "Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize the fine young woman I was addressing was you Professor Snuggle Bubbles! I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your lecture on, um, whatever the hell it is you lecture about. Well, to be honest, I had my headphones on, but I was INTENTLY watching your lips move. So, may I procure another libation for you? Milwaukee’s Beast or Crudweiser?

This approach usually works best if said Prof is trizzed, recently divorced, or one of those "free-love" hippie psychology babes.

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Q29: I think my boyfriend is attracted to my mom. –Worried Wanda from BU

Well Wanda, even though your inquiry was not phrased as a question, I’m assuming you think it’s a BAD thing that your nub likes your mom. But it DOESN’T have to be! Many people think it’s cute when mother and daughter dress alike, shop together, and generally act as friends. So why not take it to the next level: Orgy-Partner. Only your closest friends will ever become your Orgy Pals. Think about it, what women are you close enough to that you wouldn’t mind them seeing you naked—from underneath? If your answer is "NONE" or "ABSOLUTELY NONE YOU DEFILING PIG!" then perhaps you should take the time to do a personal inventory.

Do you really allow yourself to open up to your loved ones? Are you self-conscious about your weight? Do certain smells make you itch?

Being a male, I know I have very few buddies that I feel so emotionally attached to that I would take them to Las Vegas to tag-team a whore. I’m just so worried that they’ll laugh at my slightly-below-average sized jammy. And how would I explain Manoj, the living, breathing birthmark on my upper-left thigh? But I do feel fortunate that I have a handful of guys that are in my heart and that don’t carry jiggly man-boobies that would set my stomach to auto-puke.

So Wanda, don’t worry about it. Worse case scenario, you have someone who can lend you an emergency diaphragm.

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Q30: I think my friend has a drinking problem. He got drunk before his last Final and showed up an hour late. Is it my place to step in? What should I do? - Concerned Pal at BU

Okay, so this "FRIEND" of yours has a drinking problem. See heavy drinking is a symptom of greater problems. You should talk to your "FRIEND" to see if you, um, HE has some serious issues that he is trying to deal with.

So what should you do? It depends on how close you are to him. If you a real close friend, like you wouldn’t mind using the next-door urinal, then you MUST step in. But if you’re just an acquaintance or a casual friend, you are supposed to let him slowly destroy his liver and become a lush who stumbles around the street with mirrors on his shoes trying to look up women’s skirts.

But if you are a true friend you have to try to help him. One way is like many parents do when their kid starts smoking. They say, "Okay brat, you wanna start smoking, then here, chain-smoke these 3 packs." The idea is that kid gets so sick that he never wants to smoke again.

My parents attempted this strategy with Adult Cinematic Features. They said, "You wanna look at naked women in high heels swinging form chandeliers while riding a mechanical bull—then here, watch 48 hours straight of these tapes."

But the strategy backfired on them. In fact, the next year I attempted to organize a CHARITY event around it. It was called "2-Day-Porn-a-thon for Cervical Cancer." My school wouldn’t sponsor it for some reason.

So what I’m saying is that you SHOULD NOT make him drink until he blacks out in an attempt to show him that alcohol is dangerous. Instead, you should give him the same "Scared Straight" lecture I was given. It is a scientific fact that the male erection is caused by a healthy blood flow. Alcohol consumption hinders normal bloodflow because it like replaces the oxygen or something. Thus, your Power Stick will be shorter and weaker while drinking. Hey that scared the heck out of me! I need every millimeter I can get! If I were to drink a lot and then try to do-it, my jammy would look like a broken pinky.

Explain this to him and his own self-conscious paranoia will take over and he should re-focus his escapes from reality into safer platforms such as painting, poetry, and poodle shaving.

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Q31: My butt is itchy all the time. Do you recommend anything? --Donald in Akron

Yes, scratch it.

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