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HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day

It depends. Do you consider yourself a moral person? Are you going to college to get your B.S. in Nunnery? Actually, if you’re in Law School, it would be immoral for you NOT to take this opportunity to cheat.

If you decide that you ARE a moral person, then do not cheat. If you do like I have, and just admit that you are base common-folk who float through life without spirituality or guidance, seeing life as a series of spontaneous moments, all of which you hope end in orgasm or at least a stomach full of potato chips, then by all means cheat.

But as usual, the truth lies somewhere between those two extremes. The Truth lies, get it? Ha! What is truth, but a transient reality, sure to be over turned by tomorrow’s events? And what is reality, but a provincial vision super-focused upon the small sphere that we call knowledge? And what the hell am I talking about?

Good question. Okay, here is your Expert Dating Advice. Fast and hard. Can you handle it? Whether you should cheat or not depends on how you will feel later. In other words, do you have a conscience? For instance, I do, but only under certain circumstances. I could kill a roach for no good reason. I could NOT kill a dog for no reason. Why? Because roaches are yicky! See, that is the power of rationalization! It’s almost as powerful as Yanni over Candlelight, except usually it’s not enough to make a bim get naked.

Can you RATIONALIZE it? We know cheating is wrong, duh! But we always do things that are wrong. I jaywalk. I know it’s wrong. But if there are no cars coming, I figure, aw what the heck, I’m in hurry, right? Not really, I’m just walking across the street to peruse the "mature" section of Jockbuster Video. I take many extra packets of ketchup at McBootleg. Then I use them at home. Why? Because I’m saving for a house. No! Because I’m mad cheap. Because I feel that McBootleg Corporation overcharges me for the Lard Patties they call a hamburger. Is it wrong? Perhaps. And per 3 haps is one maybe. I dunno. Who cares? Because I don’t feel bad later. I’m justified! So Miss Nervous, all you have to do is find some flimsy rationale for your immoral and base actions. Just like Hitler did!

Here are some options. You will cheat on the test because 1) everyone else is. (okay maybe not EVERYBODY but why should only some people have an unfair advantage.) 2) The Professor can’t teach. Yeah! He sucks! How can you learn from a guy who is as exciting as watching a quadriplegic mime? 3) You’ll never need this stuff in the "real world." Like, how does Biology relate to ME as a Homo Sapien mammal with a four chamber heart? 4) Textbooks are WAY too expensive. (This one really doesn’t fit, but I’ve found you can use it to rationalize almost anything. In fact, LBJ used it as a reason to continue fighting the Vietnam War.)

There ya go Miss. Now rationalize yourself an A!

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HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day

HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day

Q38: I have an odd bump on my penis. Should I be concerned? Cranky in Kentucky 

An odd bump, ay? Well there’s nothing wrong with an odd bump. So your jammy is a little LUMPY. That could be a GOOD thing! There’s a reason why they make RIBBED condoms ya know. The bims like that “homestyle” feel.

But then again, how “ODD” is this bump? Are we talkin’ it looks like a third testicle is dangling from the middle of your jammy? Because that would be a tad (and a nad) unsettling. Are we talking about just a small mosquito bite? Is it a mole with 3 hairs poking out? Eww! How grotee is THAT!!  But (let me compose myself) it happens. But whatever you do, don’t get the laser removal surgery. I don’t trust NO laser beams near MY Flavor Injector!

Now I can never be sure as to the veracity of these claims of physical deformities. I mean, are you using this so-called odd bump on your Spit Rod as an excuse to have bims look at your privates? Because I used to do that. I used to roll up to ladies as be like, “AY! YOU! Hey, come here. Yeah you with the book bag. Wanna check out my kosher bologna? I’ve got an ODD BUMP on it in the shape of a FAMOUS MUSICIAN. I’m not sure but it kind of looks like one of the Backstreet Boys.

Man, I tell you. The number of restraining orders that little stunt got me! But anyway the point is, don’t use this “fake-misshapen penis trick” because one day it will come back to bite you in the ass. (And depending on how you OBTAINED this bump, you may like that sort of thing.) So one sunny afternoon I’m doing my usual routine, “Hey girlie, look at my horribly swollen and twisted jammy” and she says back to me, “Oh yeah! Look at this RASH!” I swear to you, to this DAY, I have not seen a more vile and revolting and defiling image (and I’ve BEEN to homosonhorses.com). It was butt-nizASTY! Bim’s rash looked like the inside of a sun burnt rectal cavity—after carameling 3 gallons of liquefied tacos! So Mister, put some anti-wart cream on your flag pole on stop molesting TOADS!

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Q39: Is it wrong to smoke pot? Lots of my friends have experimented and I feel like I might be missing out on something. --Smoked S. @ FSU

If I was the Governor of Texas running for President, I would say, “Yes I did it. It was wrong. And I’ll send any one else who does it to the electric chair!” So is it WRONG to smoke pot? Well, sure there are WORSE things you could be doing, like torturing small animals or stealing people’s mail. But that doesn’t make it right. Because there are also BETTER things you could be doing with your time. You could be reading to deaf kids or get the names of blind kids on the stadium scoreboard. You could send an underprivileged albino on an all-expense paid trip to Cuba. You could teach retarded adults how to surf the Net for pornography and recipes. But instead you want to smoke pot?!!

Now I’ve never smoked pot or used any other drug for that matter. Just never wanted to mess with that stuff. Well, except cherry flavored cough medicine. WOW! That stuff knocked me out man. I would chug-a-lug like THREE teaspoons (when only 1 ˝ were recommended). I would be seeing stars and moons, green diamonds and purple horseshoes. Totally Far Out!

But anyway, what concerns me about Mary Juana is not the drug itself, but what it represents. People smoke it as an escape from reality. Life sucks, so let me get high. That’s a pretty sad outlook. Life doesn’t suck. Life is AWESOME! There are so many cool things to experience and places to see.

There’s the smell of the fresh green grass at the baseball stadium. There’s the smell of the fresh beer that spilled on your Dad’s shirt. There’s the way your lover’s face looks when the moonlight glistens. There’s the way your lover’s face looks when you accidentally forgot to flush after dropping brown baby bombs in the toilet. There’s the excitement you feel when you swing higher than ever have before. There’s the pain you feel when you clumsily fall off the swing and slam your head into the see-saw. There are so many wonderful things in life that allow us to take an “escape” from reality. You don’t need that crazy reefer stick! When I feel sad and depressed sometimes I make a real big chocolate milkshake—with vanilla chocolate chip ice cream. Then I bust a brain cell trying to suck the chips up through my straw. Or sometimes, when I’m frustrated, I gather up all my poop from the previous week into a big garbage bag, light it on fire, and toss it like an Olympian through the window of some Nursing Home. Ah, life is great. The looks on their wrinkled up old faces when see FLAMING FLYING FECES!

And trust me, you ain’t missin’ out on tish if you don’t choke on the cheeba. It’s like I never wanted to smoke cigarettes even though I knew I was missing out on that whole lung cancer craze. There are plenty of ways to escape and relax. Try yoga. Try singing. Try obsessive masturbation to female 1980’s sitcom stars. Just be yourself and love the world. Because it’s like beautiful man. <COUGH!> Damn, this ganja is makin’ my throat scratchy!

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Q40: I just got back from Spring Break and I cheated on my boyfriend while I was there. Should I tell him?--Guilty Girl

Why is it that when bims travel to another country they think that they are free to hump whomever they please? It’s like an automatic trigger in a woman’s brain. “Oh we crossed an international border!” SPRING! Her legs pop open.

Now if you’re a nub, you can use this to your advantage. Even if you’re both American and you both went to Mexico for Spring Break. You’ve never met before. You can even be from the SAME CITY at home! It doesn’t matter. Her being in a new country is like her having 3 drinks. She’s already buzzed, psyched to have a good time, and all bets are off. You don’t even have to coax most bims with the old “But this is MEXICO and besides, your boyfriend is 2000 miles away.” You don’t even need that nonsense. So men, if you have a bim that you don’t want cheating on you, NEVER let her travel to another country alone. It’s not her fault if she cheats on you. It’s an innate part of her DNA. How do you think we populated the Earth? Don't you think cavewomen were like the women of today? Cavewife didn’t want anymore freakin’ kids running around. So she stopped having cavesex with her caveman husband. But THAT’S WHY we were NOMADS! Why do you think cavemen roamed from place to place? Why do you think humans spread out across the globe? To discover new lands? HA! No! So the men could get some booty! As soon as cavewifey settled in a far off distant cave, her hormones got fired up and she gave up the cavebooty. Without this instinct, humans would not have survived.

Now, that being said, if your girl travels to merely another STATE and tramps around, well, that’s not her instinct, that just means she’s a SLUT. Women, it’s not like you just travel across the bridge to New Jersey and be like “Wow, the Garden State! I feel the need to do the nizASTY!” No, it doesn’t work like that.

So should you tell your man about your effort to improve International Relations? Hmm, I say yes. Honesty is the only thing that will keep a relationship alive. Unless of course you both agree to lie. Like the Clintons. Hillary is not so stupid as to believe her husband is faithful. But they have an agreement to believe any lie that the other tells. It keeps them sane. So you SHOULD tell your nub you cheated on him. But then have him read this little column here. Then he’ll understand. Basically, it was not your fault. You could not control your urges. Next time he should travel WITH you. It’s HIS fault for not going! What the hell was he THINKING! Why do you think newlyweds go away for their Honeymoon? Please, 99% of Newlyweds have been doin’-it for years! What’s so special about doin’-it the week after the wedding? Nothing. UNLESS, it’s in another country like the Bahamas, Bermuda, Nicaragua . . . Men don’t WANT to spend fat bacon bits on the Honeymoon. If I could have gotten away with it, I would have dressed my wife in a grass skirt and taken her across the street to the Motel 6. But NOOOO, that wouldn’t be good enough. So I took her to the Motel 6 in Jamaica.

And I left that island a happy man.

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HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day

Q41: I have really bad acne and it’s preventing me from getting dates. What should I do? Zitman in Iowa

Zitman, first let me say that I’m glad you can hold a sense of humor with your disfigurement. Because if you can’t laugh then—well, then maybe your mouth is being fastened tight by the acne rampaging over your lips.

It would help if I knew your age too. I’m going to assume you’re older than 13 or 14. Because if you’re only a young teenager I wouldn’t use language such as: “disastrous”, “monstrosity”, and “sexually fatal.” But since I’m fairly confident that all parents have this site blocked with Net Granny, I will continue.

Zitman, if you want women you must divert their attention from your Jabba the Hut face to your wit. That’s correct. It’s the Zit to Wit Strategy. Now, I’m NOT talking show up at her house, ring the bell, and shout “Pizza Man!” while wearing one of those white cardboard delivery boxes over your head. That kind of self-deprecating humor is not going to help your zituation. (HA!) You need to be downright hilarious. The more putrid pimples you possess, the funnier you need to be. That’s actually how I got my start in comedy.

I was just a lad in junior high when I started to “Break Out!” I quickly learned that if I wanted to maintain any semblance of popularity I would have to adjust. So I changed by quiet, shy, even taciturn (word of the day) demeanor to one of boisterous buffoon. Think about it. Would you rather be known as “Quiet Zit Boy” or “That really obnoxious dude with facial blemishes.” I chose the latter. And the more Acnasty my face got, the funnier I became. Until today. Now I hardly have any blemishes on my face. So I’m not even close to as funny as I was in 7^th grade. Man, in 7^th grade I had the class rollin’! So my secret to staying funny is, I purposefully spread pimples on other better-hidden parts of my body. That way I can stay funny. For real. Any nub who is funny has zits somewhere on his body. The funnier he is, the worse the place he has them. Billy Crystal, on his neck. Robin Williams, on his ass. Chris Rock, testicular acne.

So I tell ya Zitman, embrace your future. Become a comedian. Because comedians get all the bims. Looks at Jim Carey and Adam Sandler. They’re not incredibly attractive but they always have hot bims. So next time you’re in front of the mirror poppin’ those purple pimple people eaters: Don’t. Practice your stand-up routine instead.

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