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a Expert Dating Advice column by Hog-Wild

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Q42: I went to a psychic who told me that my boyfriend is likely to cheat and has in fact already cheated on me. My man says he never has. Should I dump him? –Georgia @ LSU

Q43: I really like the girl I’m with. But I still want to see other girls on the side. She is not cool with that. What should I do?  --Decision in Cincinnati, OH

Q44: I can't stop dancing. I keep dancing every night and I get more and more sore. What should I do Hog?

Q45: Maybe it’s the Passover season, but I feel like my relationship is like Matzah. It’s bland and giving me quite a bit of gas pain. Is it time to end it? –Josh B. in NYC

Q46: I’m SERIOUS. I can't stop dancing. I keep dancing every night and I get more and more sore. PLEASE HELP ME! –Benal in Willoughby

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Q42: I went to a psychic who told me that my boyfriend is likely to cheat and has in fact already cheated on me. My man says he never has. Should I dump him? –Georgia @ LSU

Well then, it sounds like you have no choice but TO dump him. Did your Psychic Friend tell you whom he cheated WITH? And where? Or did Ms. Psychic conveniently leave these little details out?

You don’t need some bootleg psychic to tell you if your nub is being faithful. Just stick to Hog’s Sure Signs Your Nub is Doin’-It with Some One Else.

~ When he farts in the bathroom, he screams another man’s name

~ He suddenly begins showering EVERY week

~ You can tell he’s not faking it when he smiles

~ He comes home reeking of anal sex

~ He tells you that he just had the most incredible lovemaking session with Tina. And Tina is NOT the name of his inflatable female.

~ While doin’-it with him, he keeps asking, “Hey, can you bend THIS way, like Tina does?”

~ Nonstop, every conversation, it’s Tina Tina Tina!

~ He’s making large withdrawals from your bank account, explaining that it’s to pay for a carton of condoms and a broken lamp.

If you’re seeing these signs, like duh, your nub is a lying sack of sour apples! But if not, then hey, he’s probably just really good at covering his tracks. I mean, if he cares that much about you to be so fastidious about cloaking his infidelities and forays into female fornication, then he’s a good man. It’s hard to find a nub who actually cares enough about you to hide his affairs. It’s like, if dude is outsourcing the humping responsibilities, that’s less work for you! You should be happy!

It’s like if my bim, Mrs. Potato-Head, suddenly said to me, you suck at doing chores. I’m going to find another man to take out the trash for me—I’d be ecstatic. So maybe you just suck in bed. (Well, if you did, you probably wouldn’t have gotten INTO this predicament.) JEREMY! But anyhoo, this is how you resolve this. You confront him and say, “I know you’ve been sleeping with some nizASTY ho. I found female pubes in your skivvies.” Just state it matter-of-factly without anger. He will not get defensive or try to lie because he’ll be thinking, “DAMN! And I thought I was hiding ALL the evidence! She’s good! I knew I should have made that bim shave!”

So now make your demands. This of course is provided that you still want to keep the cheating scumbag. Like maybe he’s got major F.E.P. (Future Earning Potential) or simply a big, rigid, stiff, veiny, thick-as-a-McDonald’s-Milkshake type Jammy.  UGH! I made myself spit up just SAYING that! So now you are in control of this relationship and he’s on lockdown. See, you don’t need some Semi-Psychic Sista when you’ve got the Hog!

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Q43: I really like the girl I’m with. But I still want to see other girls on the side. She is not cool with that. What should I do?  --Decision in Cincinnati, OH

Looks like you’re afraid of the Big C. Commitment. But you’ve got to consider, is SHE too, afraid of the Big C? Cooking? You should not even THINK about committing to a bim until she’s ready to give it up. Give up the shoes and get her ass barefoot in the kitchen whoopin’ you up some sweet potato pie! Okay, maybe that’s a bit far. She can like, wear shoes and stuff (though I’m NOT happy about that. Because first you let ‘em wear shoes, then they’ll demand the right to vote!) But a girlie has got to get her grill on! Cook up those chicken wings, meatloaf, lasagna-- she’s got to keep her man well fed!

So if your bim is not even meeting these minimum standards, you can forget any talks of exclusivity. But if she IS cooking, you’ve got to make a decision. Be logical. Is this the best meal I’m ever gonna get? Let’s break it down, shall we? Are you ugly? If you iz, then take her before she picks the scabs from her eyes! If you ain’t ugly, but don’t have any major F.E.P. (Future Earning Potential), then strongly consider making her your one and only. Because most bims (and rightly so) are lookin’ for a man who’s packin’ 9 in his pants. And that’s credit cards!

But  be fair to her. Don’t tell her you’ll be faithful and then mess around. That’s not right. You’d want the same from her. If she’s telling you that she’s not baking cupcakes for any other nub, then all of sudden you find out that her cupcakes have been on the lips of every guy in town—jeez, that sucks. So be nice. Be straight up like Paul Abdul ’89. A’ight!

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Q44: I can't stop dancing. I keep dancing every night and I get more and more sore. What should I do Hog?

Stop dancing.

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Q45: Maybe it’s the Passover season, but I feel like my relationship is like Matzah. It’s bland and giving me quite a bit of gas pain. Is it time to end it? –Josh B. in NYC

A bland relationship can be fixed. But one that causes intense abdominal pain--- well unless you’re a masochist, you might want to dump the broad. I’ll assume you were joking and that the mere sight of your loved one does not make you want to uncork mighty Turd Thunder.

Now remember, Matzah itself is boring. But the Egg Matzah—oooh the EGG Matzah. That’s some good stuff! Add a little butter on top and you got yourself a meal! So what I’m saying is, spread butter on your partner, and grind your greasy groins until you groan. Okay, but semi-seriously, you need to add excitement to a relationship. Especially after your bim realizes that your lovemaking techniques rival that of a meditating walrus. Surprise her with flowers. Surprise her with a gift. Surprise her by bathing!

Bims love surprises. Well, except for the “Surprise I’m Gay!” surprise. Or the “Surprise! I just found out I have Genital Herpes!” Surprise. But in general, they like to be kept on their pretty little toes.

And if you do your part to fire it up, she will return the favor. (Unless of course she’s a self-centered trollop who only seeks narcissistic pleasure. But NO ONE has dated THAT kind of bim, have we?) Then the vanilla-scented candle of your relationship will be rekindled from the heart. Or some crap like that. But if you DO try to surprise her, keep it authentic. Don’t be bootleg about it. Don’t consider it a huge favor that you only left 2 stray grape hairs on the toilet instead of 3. Don’t pat yourself on the back because you bought her a CD only because you wanted to copy it. And if you were creative enough to write her an original poem last year, it is considered MAD BOOTLEG if you re-give it to her THIS year as Version 2.0 because you changed the font.

Light a fire under her Booty! Get her excited! And she in turn will excite you like Uncle Jessie watchin’ Daisy Dukes lean over the General Lee in her cut-off Denims.

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Q46: I’m SERIOUS. I can't stop dancing. I keep dancing every night and I get more and more sore. PLEASE HELP ME! –Benal in Willoughby

I like to "dance" too. Except just like the '70s it's only with Synthetic fibers!So I see my advice of “Stop Dancing” is not good enough for you, ay? I think I figured it out. “Dancing” is simply a metaphor for “the horizontal bop”, which in turn is a metaphor for “bumpin’ uglies”, which is actually “grinding gear shafts”, toasting pop tarts, going to the Dentist, parking the bus, chewing bubble gum--- so basically you’re tired from doin’-it all the time.

Poor, poor man! I have as much sympathy for you as a mugger who loses his wallet. Listen, if you can’t stand the heat, STEP ASIDE! I’m sure there are plenty of healthy, undersexed nubs out there who would love to take your place. It’s like Show Biz. When these bitches complain, “Oh, it’s just a nightmare on the set. We have to shoot 26 shows a year for TV. It’s grueling! It’s almost not worth the $500,000 an episode and international stardom!”

You are LUCKY my man. There IS no such thing as too MUCH of a good thing. (Except for Licorice. One time I ate 6 BAGS of Red Licorice. My mouth looked like I had just been punched in the face by Ike Turner. I was pooping colorful strings of sugar coated candy.) A little soreness? I wouldn’t be worried about that. No Pain No Stain”, isn’t that what they say? I do have a suggestion though. If your work-out is really that intense, here’s what you do.  Keep a bottle of Gatorade on the night stand. Chug it between rounds. Wear a mouth guard and keep your hands up! Keep your hands up for Christ Sake! Bob and Weave! Bob and Weave! C’mon Rocky, it’s just like I taught ya! In and out, in and OUT! A couple jabs, left hook, right hook! Don’t go for the first round knock out, it’s not gonna happen! We’re gonna go the full 18 rounds! C’mon Rocky! Oh, oh! And she’s out for the 10 count! Nice job!

That’s my advice for you. And if you must dance, you have no choice but to wear the dancing SHOES. I know they’re uncomfortable and they make you look silly. But you need protection. You don’t want to get a foot fungus, do you?

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