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a Expert Dating Advice column by HogWild
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It
sounds to me as if you’re ABN (Annoying By Nature.) This is a
devastating but curable condition that causes you to be the poison ivy in
the swimming trunks of all you come in contact with. The mosquito bite on
their bottom. The morning eye booger in their coffee. You get the idea. But
there is hope for you. You were not born this way. Your disease is not
genetically coded. You
became this way because you never received the attention you needed as a young child. There’s a good chance you were breast-fed by a lactating
goat. (Especially
if you were raised in the mountains.) But being from Long Island, my
hypothesis is that your mom was too busy raiding the Roosevelt Mall
than to listen to what you had to say. Hey, I faced the same problems.
When I was being dragged around JC Penney’s by my mom from the Women’s
Shoes Department to Handbags and
Accessories I was STARVED for attention! I said, “Mommy! I want to go
home!” She would promise, “Just 5 more minutes!” Three
bags full of sandals, blouses, and purses later, I was sprawled out on
the floor kicking in a circle like a one-legged epileptic. That’s when I
discovered the art of entertaining myself. Female
Mannequins became my targets. They could not escape my pre-pubescent
clutches! With red lipstick from Cosmetics, I was like Mother Teresa,
helping the needy— by painting nipples on the nippleless! Like
Robin Hood, stealing plastic legs from Hosiery and giving to those torsos
who lacked lower extremities! Oh the injustices I solved! Sure
this anti-social behavior I displayed was “unusual” and I believe I
was once clinically diagnosed as “demonic” but then again my Dad
isn’t board-certified to make these assessments. The
point is I lashed out to get the attention I needed. But then I grew out
of that phase and now I lash out to bring attention to others—
like foreigners, the disabled, and the severely retarded. Look,
there’s a fine line between Annoying and Comedy. Sometimes you’ll
accidentally cross this line and say something funny. Make your decision
now. How do you want to release your rage? By annoying the hell out
of people or by making them laugh? Try the latter. Climb it up to the roof
and scream like a rooster who just got some morning nookie from the
hottest chick in the coop. See that’s annoying AND funny! Once
you decide to try to be funny instead of annoying, you might discover that
you’re just not funny. Don’t let this stop you. In fact, it
will increase your odds of getting a sitcom on ABC. So
let me wrap this up and break it down for you. Don’t make jokes about
your teachers to their faces--- do it behind their backs. Don’t make fun
of girls who you want to date, make fun of the ugly ones you
don’t. Ridicule the homeless. Laugh at the dorky Freshmen in your
High School. If you there’s a bim you like, be sweet to her friends and
smugly rude to her. It will knock her off her pretty little pedestal,
lowering her self-esteem just long enough for her to think that she should
date you instead of the school’s quarterback. Self-discipline
is the name of this game. You’re at the age where you will decide your
personality for the rest of your life. Do you really want to be Mr.
Annoying Guy that nobody likes? Because that was Al Gore in High
School. No, you want to be likable Funny Guy that everybody likes
that will someday become President of the United States even though he has
no real experience and a criminal history. Do us proud boy! Make the
transition from “bug-a-boo” to “lovable” and the bims will
out-number the stars in the sky . . . oh I forgot your from Long Guyland—
the bims will out-number the SUVs in the mall parking lot. Back to Top Ask YOUR Question! More Expert Dating Advice Tell a Friend!HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day
HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day
Q58: I have been going out with a guy for the last 3 years and 5 months and for the HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day Back to Top Ask YOUR Question! More Expert Dating Advice Tell a Friend! HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day Rodriguez,
I don’t like the situation you are in. When you’re with a bim you need to be
able to trust her. Completely. Otherwise there will always be jealousy and
friction (not the good kind of friction.) One of the keys here is the question:
“How long after she broke up with her ex did she start dating you?” If it
was less than a month, that’s bad news. I mean, she’s
whining to you, “He was my first love! I gave him first crack at my Fun-Dip!
Waaaaa!” Do you really think she got over him in like 3 or 4 weeks? Probably
not. Dude, it’s over 5 months later and she’s
still hanging out with him? And nothing’s going on? Rrrrrrriiiiiiiiiight! Maybe
she’s being faithful to you while still being “friends” with her ex-nub.
But it’s highly unlikely. Okay, some bims can maintain a real friendship with
an ex-lover. But um, there ain’t no nub who hangs
with his ex-girl so they can continue to “talk.” Hell no. Her ex-nub is
scheming about going to battle with that booty! You
said it yourself, he’s been hitting on her! And she says they’re like
brother and sister?! Where do you live, Kentucky?! I would say she’s not ready to move on. It’s better you figured this out now. Lots of bims in High School feel they need to have a boyfriend at all times. Like a security blanket with a penis. So what probably happened is, she broke up with her ex-nub. She cried. Then she saw you. She thought you were cute so you two got together. But all the while she’s still got all these feelings for that other guy. It’s only natural. A bim doesn’t give her virginity to a nub and then forget about him. Well, unless she was really trizzed or bombed on X at a rave or something. Basically, this situation sucks for you. By hanging out with a guy she knows still has feelings for her, she’s not being fair to you. So Rodriguez, what should you do? Three choices. 1 - Dump the bim. (What I would do.) Tell her you want time apart to think about how you really feel. Then on the sneak-tip see if she gets back with her old man (I bet she will), but if she doesn’t in like a month’s time, get back with her. 2
– Have a heart-to-heart convo. Be like, I know you want to be friends
with Dude, but obviously he hasn’t moved on yet. You need to give Dude more
time. Plus, we need to be fair to our relationship. We can’t be hanging out
with our ex-peeps. What if I was hanging out with my ex-bim who was all over my
grapes? 3
– Be like, girl, I know you’re still feelin’ on ya ex-man. That’s cool
though. Let me bust in one night in a pizza delivery man uniform and a video
camera. We can do this triple-X style. Good
luck my man. In the game of love, you’re guaranteed to get your heart broken
at least once. (My heart’s been broken like twenty times. Boo-hoo, I know.)
Just don’t be blind about it. Because it will hurt much more later when your
eyes are opened for you. Back to Top Ask YOUR Question! More Expert Dating Advice Tell a Friend! HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day Q60: I'll do my best to keep this short. I'm 29, intelligent, divorced once, blah blah blah. I'm engaged to the most wonderful man I have ever met.
I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, and I know that he feels the same way about me.
We have a wonderful relationship, he is kind, affectionate,
our sex life is amazing. We spent a lot of time together, which we both enjoy. I've never
been happier. This is the second longest relationship I have ever been in, and I know this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. But I find myself checking through his cell phone history, glancing through
his things, just to reassure myself. The pre-eminent psychologist Carl Jung wrote a
paradigm-shifting study in the 1917 that gave birth to a name for your condition:
"Psycho-Bitch." with-rainbow-sprinkles-dripping-down-her-face happy. Now, THAT'S happy! Or do you want to wallow and be pitied? Most people want sympathy. Oh, poor me!
Shut up and be happy! Do you know how many bims would kill to find a nub like you've got? I by kill, I mean, they would kill YOU. A man with a job,
a functioning jammy, and sensitivity is a RARE find. Like a 4-leaf clover
in a field of dandelions wearing gold chains and wife-beater t-shirts.
When your nub comes from work, don't unload all your crap on him. Let him unwind. Let him watch TV.
Bring him a beer. Serve dinner. Then he will relax. Then he'll be ready to hear all about that b!tch at work whose face you want to
slam into the Xerox machine and Back to Top Ask YOUR Question! More Expert Dating Advice Tell a Friend! HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day |
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Or you can adopt a dog. They're just like kids except they don't require an allowance and they often smell better. Plus, when you get bored of them you can drop them off in
vacant parking lot. Well, you can do that with teenagers too, but many times they will find their way back to your home.