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Q63: I have been dating this girl, 27, for about a month. I thought things were going really good, until this last week. Saturday night we went out and had a great time, she opened up to me and started to reveal more personal things about herself and stated that she really loves spending time with me. In our conversations she has never mentioned an ex-boyfriend or that she is dating anyone else.  [uh-oh]

This past Monday and Tuesday I gave her a call to try and make plans for the weekend. She did not answer her phone and did not call me back. On Wednesday she called me back and gave me the we have to talk speech. [uh-oh #2]

She stated that for the past two weeks she had been talking with an ex-boyfriend. The boyfriend expressed that he wanted her back and she told me that she wanted to give it a try. [uh-oh oh-crap]

I reluctantly acted like it was okay and we left it at that. Later that night I was really bummed out, because I really dig this chick. What should I do? -- Jim, 34, from Pittsburgh, PA

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Q64: I have been dating this guy for about two months (we met online and by some miracle, he turned out to be very smart, attractive and funny... no misrepresentation whatsoever.) Anyhoo, we have been dating and hot and heavy now for 2 months and are as happy as peas and carrots.
Yesterday, I brought up the issue of "Exclusivity." I asked him if we were exclusive and should I consider him a "Boyfriend"? Well, he says that I can call him my "Boyfriend" if I want but he does not consider me his "Girlfriend" yet
(although he is in total agreement with the exclusivity and the sexual monogamy part).

What gives? How can you be exclusive and sexually monogamous without being boyfriend and girlfriend? Do guys have different stages they go through?? -Raykie
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Q63: Timing. This is bad, bad timing. And -- like the bladder of octogenarian Supreme Court Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist -- it's totally out of your control. This girl still has feelings for her old nub. You've only been with her for a month. How long has she had strong feelings for this dude?

The good news for you is that, if they broke up once, they will probably break up again -- if you can plant the seed of doubt. Yes, Jim. The evil seed of doubt that will grow into a looming weed that takes over her Garden of Eden, that steals the nutrients and sunshine from her relationship... an evil seed that stinks like fresh fertilizer on her lawn of love...

HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Sorry, been reading too many comic books.

But yes, plant the seed.

Plant the seed and she will want your long hard stamen.

Sorry, been reading too many botany books.

Say, "Woman,"
(replace the word "woman" with her name. Bims like when you use their name instead of a pronoun) "I would like to take you out for one last wonderful evening. I know you have feelings for your ex-boyfriend. I can understand that. That's only natural. I think that if you have ANY feelings for him, you should explore it. I'm not worried. Let me take you out on Saturday night. I promise you will have the best time. I think it's only fair that we allow ourselves to have this one last date together. After all, we may never be together again."

Almost no girl can resist that. And if she refuses to even have a date with you, then you know she's not even giving you a shot, so you need to move on.
But if she will allow you to take her out, she is open to the idea of you two being together. This is when you will plant the seed. (Please remember this is a metaphor. Don't REALLY plant your seed, or else this will turn into another paternity test episode of Maury Povich.)

Plan, yes, actually plan an all-out night of fun with her. Do your damn homework! What's her favorite food? Seafood? Take her to Red Lobster! Italian? To the Olive Garden! Just kidding. Take her to a romantic restaurant. I've only been to Pittsburgh once, but I can tell you, the most romantic place in your city is a little cozy restaurant called Quaker Steak. Damn, they got some good hot wings! And hot sauce leads to hot lovin'! Nothin' more romantic than looking into your girl's eyes and pickin' chicken out your toofers. Okay, I'm a nincompoop. Go to a restaurant SHE will find romantic. You know, one with candles, soft music, and crap like that.

Nothin' says love like sharing a plate of Louisiana Lickers!

Do some thoughtful sh!t! Make sure you can order her favorite dish. Bring her a single red rose.
(If she likes roses. Some girls think this is cheesy. These girls are often referred to as lesbians.) Order wine. And good wine! Not wine-from-a-box! (Not that I'm knocking wine-from-a-box. Because I like it, and it's really a step up from what I used to drink -- wine-in-packet. Yeah, I was drinking powdered wine. Just add water! Hey, it's what the astronauts drink!)

Think of all the things she loves and do them. Dancing? Then suck it up and do that. Museums? Pretend you understand art! Bowling? Wow, you're right. She IS a great girl!
(Note: if she loves bowling AND hates roses, she is definitely a lesbian. Abort mission. Repeat: Abort!)

Hopefully your conversation has been light and entertaining. Now it's time for dessert. You guys should be a little buzzed. If the restaurant doesn't have great desserts, take her somewhere else just for dessert! Now she's been thinking about how much fun she's been having with you. Hopefully you've had her smiling the whole night. She's done most of the talking. You've been really listening. Not just raising your eyebrows at the appropriate time while you steal a glance at the scores on TV hanging above her head...

Plant the seed.

"Ya know, woman
(remember to say her actual name here. If you don't remember it, say "sweetheart" or "bitch." Note: only say bitch if you are totally bombing and you just wanna make Roger Lodge laugh. Note 2: Roger Lodge is the host of Blind Date, the best show in the history of Television. Note 3: Roger Lodge has possibly the cushiest job on television. Note 4: I wish I was Roger Lodge. Note 5: I wonder if Roger Lodge can pick up chicks in the bar just by going up to them and saying, "Hi, I'm Roger Lodge"? Note 6: He probably can't.)

Anyhoozer, "Ya know, woman. I've had a lot of fun with you tonight. I think you're a very special girl.
(Only say this if you mean it. Be honest. She will be able to tell. Note: a girl can be "special" based on the size of her boobs.) I know you want to give it another shot with your ex-boyfriend. I just want you to know that I think you are a very beautiful, very smart, and very sexy woman. (Note: a girl can be "smart" based on the size of her boobs.) I can't say that I'll be waiting around forever, but you definitely have a piece of my heart."

Then give her a movie-star kiss. (If you don't know how to do this, watch some movies. Adam Sandler movies don't count.) Kiss her like you mean it. Soft, delicate, stroke her hair, give her a little passion, then pull back and softly lick her bottom lip, then a soft pucker. Then walk away. Bye!

By now she should be melting like an ant in the sun under the intensity of your magnifying glass. Gross.

TAKE 2: Melting like hot cheese on your saucy pizza. Better.

In three weeks, send her a text message or an email telling her you thought of her because....
(surely SOMETHING you see on TV or hear about will remind you of her. Don't say, "I was at my usual corner table at Jiggles, reaching in my pocket for a Washington when I thought of you.")

Don't call her for two months. Yeah, that's right. Be a soldier. See other women. Really. You can do it. Girls want a guy who is capable of getting other girls. She will never want you if she thinks she can always have you. When you finally call her in 2 months (or 3 if you're gangsta) see what she's up to. All this time, she should have you in the back of her mind, comparing how you make her feel to how the guy she is with makes her feel.

After a few months, if she's still with the dude, then good. Because you would have wasted a lot of time and money on a bim who was always waiting for her old man to come back. If she's NOT with the dude, then gooder! Ask her out.

A girl will always choose the guy who makes her FEEL better. Who makes her feel more like a princess? Or, if she likes danger, who makes her feel more alive and on-the-edge? Or, if she's like a lot of girls, who has more cocaine?



A woman can ONLY be with a man she RESPECTS. Woman respect courage. Telling her your real feelings takes courage. Walking away from her takes courage. But if you really want to show her you're courageous, secretly set her house on fire and save her from the burning building.

Or, set her heart on fire, and save her from herself.... ooooh that's a good one! Yeah, I like that! I'm not sure what it means, but DAAAMN that sounds good!

Be direct. Be strong. Be a man. But don't fart in front of her. And Jim, that's how you win a bim.

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Q64: Hi Raykie. First, it is not a miracle that you met a smart, attractive and funny guy online. I mean, I'm online and I'm all those things! (Well, I've been told I'm kinda not dumb, non-hideous, and you KNOW I'm semi-hilarious.) While there are many jerks online (as there are jerks in the bar), there are plenty of good men who don't want to meet a woman at a club, and are too shy to approach women in the supermarket, in the park, or at their meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. (Though this is a good place to meet chicks since at least you know how you have something in common: a hobby you are both passionate about.)

I think the real reason he is hesitating to call you his girlfriend is because of your use of tired sayings. "Hot and heavy"? Who says that?
You mean, the two of you are having sexual intercourse? Does intercourse = hot & heavy? So that means, most Americans are hot & heavy after the 3rd date. 3 dates = hot & heavy? And you say the two of you are as "happy as peas and carrots"? What the hell does THAT mean?

Since when are Peas & Carrots happy? Just because they co-habitate? I tell you Peas & Carrots haven't been happy for a looooong time. They argue like Cantaloupes & Deviled Eggs. In fact, Peas & Carrots told me they are only staying together for the Kiwis. Once the Kiwis are ripe enough to be on their own, it's Split Pea Soup! Stoooooopid.

Why won't he call you his girlfriend? Because he's scared. Scared that you will get comfortable and stop giving him head. This is one possibility. (NOTE: NEVER stop giving head. Every good relationship since the beginning of time has been based on satisfactory oral sex. Ever since Eve swallowed Adam's apple.) The other, more likely thing, is that he wants to keep his options like Paris Hilton's legs -- wide open.

 

Once, in every generation, there is a song that sings so true, its words resonate -- and in your situation, that song would be "Good Enough for Now" by the legendary lyricist, Weird Al Yankovic. The Prophet sung

:


♫"You're sort of everything I've ever wanted
You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow
You're the woman that I've always dreamed of
Well, not really...but you're good enough for now

You're pretty close to what I've always hoped for
That's why my love for you is fairly strong
And I swear I'm never gonna leave you, darlin'
At least 'til something better comes along"

This is how your "boyfriend" feels about you. My advice is that you dump him immediately after he gratifies your Garden of Eden with his tongue. Then, to get over him, date the first cute guy who looks at you, 'til something better comes along!

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