Q63: I have been dating this
girl, 27, for about a month. I thought things were going
really good, until this last week. Saturday night we went out and
had a great time, she opened up to me and started to reveal more personal
things about herself and stated that she really loves spending time with
me. In our conversations she has never
mentioned an ex-boyfriend or that she
is dating anyone else. [uh-oh]
This past Monday and Tuesday I
gave her a call to try and make plans for the weekend. She did not answer
her phone and did not call me back. On Wednesday she called me
back and gave me the we have to talk speech.
[uh-oh #2]
She stated that for the past two
weeks she had been talking with an ex-boyfriend. The boyfriend
expressed that he wanted her back and she told me that she wanted to
give it a try. [uh-oh oh-crap]
I reluctantly acted like it was
okay and we left it at that. Later that night I was really bummed out,
because I really dig this chick.What should I do? -- Jim, 34,
from Pittsburgh, PA
Q64: I have been dating this
guy for about two months (we met
online and by some miracle, he turned out to be very smart, attractive and
funny... no misrepresentation whatsoever.)
Anyhoo, we have been dating and hot and heavy now for 2 months and
are as happy as peas and carrots. Yesterday, I brought up the issue of "Exclusivity." I asked him
if we were exclusive and should I consider him a "Boyfriend"? Well,
he says that I can call him my "Boyfriend" if I want but he does not
consider me his "Girlfriend" yet
(although he is in total agreement with the exclusivity and the sexual
monogamy part).
What gives? How can you be
exclusive and sexually monogamous without being
boyfriend and girlfriend? Do guys have different stages they go
through?? -Raykie Click for my
Expert Dating Advice!
HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day
Q63: Timing. This is bad, bad timing. And -- like the
bladder of octogenarian Supreme Court Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist
-- it's totally out of your control. This girl still has
feelings for her old nub. You've only been with her for a month.
How long has she had strong feelings for this dude?
The good news for you is that, if they broke up once, they
will probably break up again -- if you can plant
the seed of doubt. Yes, Jim. The evil seed of doubt that will
grow into a looming weed that takes over her Garden of Eden,
that steals the nutrients and sunshine from her
relationship... an evil seed that stinks like fresh fertilizer
on her lawn of love...
HA HA HA HA HA!!!
Sorry, been reading
too many comic books.
But yes, plant the seed.
Plant the seed and she will want your long hard stamen.
Sorry, been reading too many botany books.
Say, "Woman," (replace the
word "woman" with her name. Bims like when you use their name instead of
a pronoun) "I would like to take
you out for one last wonderful evening. I know you have
feelings for your ex-boyfriend. I can understand that. That's only
natural. I think that if you have ANY feelings for him, you
should explore it. I'm not worried. Let me take you out on
Saturday night. I promise you will have the best time. I
think it's only fair that we allow ourselves to have this one
last date together. After all, we may never be together again."
Almost no girl can resist that. And if she refuses to even have a
date with you, then you know she's not even giving you a shot, so you
need to move on. But
if she will allow you to take her out, she is open to the idea of you
two being together. This is when you will plant the seed. (Please
remember this is a metaphor. Don't REALLY plant your seed, or else this
will turn into another paternity test episode of Maury Povich.)
Plan, yes, actually plan an all-out night of fun with her.
Do your damn homework! What's her favorite food? Seafood?
Take her to Red Lobster! Italian? To the Olive Garden!
Just kidding. Take her to a romantic restaurant. I've
only been to Pittsburgh once, but I can tell you, the most romantic
place in your city is a little cozy restaurant called Quaker
Steak. Damn, they got some good hot wings! And hot
sauce leads to hot lovin'! Nothin' more romantic
than looking into your girl's eyes and pickin' chicken out
your toofers. Okay, I'm a nincompoop. Go to a restaurant SHE will
find romantic. You know, one with candles, soft music, and
crap like that.
Nothin' says
love like sharing a plate of Louisiana Lickers!
Do
some thoughtful sh!t! Make sure you can order her favorite dish.
Bring her a single red rose.
(If she likes roses. Some girls think this is cheesy. These girls are
often referred to as lesbians.) Order
wine. And good wine! Not wine-from-a-box!
(Not that I'm knocking wine-from-a-box. Because I like it, and
it's really a step up from what I used to drink --
wine-in-packet. Yeah, I was drinking powdered wine. Just
add water! Hey, it's what the astronauts drink!)
Think of all the things she loves and do them. Dancing?
Then suck it up and do that. Museums? Pretend you understand art!
Bowling? Wow, you're right. She IS a great girl!
(Note: if she loves bowling AND hates roses,
she is definitely a lesbian. Abort mission. Repeat: Abort!)
Hopefully your conversation has been light and entertaining. Now
it's time for dessert. You guys should be a little buzzed. If the
restaurant doesn't have great desserts, take her somewhere else just for
dessert! Now she's been thinking about how much fun she's been having
with you. Hopefully you've had her smiling the whole night.
She's done most of the talking. You've been really listening.
Not just raising your eyebrows at the appropriate time while you
steal a glance at the scores on TV hanging above her head...
Plant the seed.
"Ya
know, woman (remember to say her
actual name here. If you don't remember it, say "sweetheart" or
"bitch." Note: only say bitch if you are totally bombing and you
just wanna make Roger Lodge laugh. Note 2: Roger Lodge is
the host of Blind Date, the best show in the history of
Television. Note 3: Roger Lodge has possibly the cushiest job on
television. Note 4: I wish I was Roger Lodge. Note 5: I
wonder if Roger Lodge can pick up chicks in the bar just by going up to
them and saying, "Hi, I'm Roger Lodge"? Note 6: He probably
can't.)
Anyhoozer, "Ya know, woman. I've had a lot of fun with you
tonight. I think you're a very special girl.
(Only say this if you mean it. Be honest.
She will be able to tell. Note: a girl can be "special" based
on the size of her boobs.)
I know you want to give it another shot with your ex-boyfriend. I just
want you to know that I think you are a very beautiful, very smart,
and very sexy woman. (Note: a
girl can be "smart" based on the size of her boobs.)
I can't say that I'll be waiting around forever, but you definitely
have a piece of my heart."
Then give her a
movie-star kiss. (If you don't
know how to do this, watch some movies. Adam Sandler movies don't
count.) Kiss her like you
mean it. Soft, delicate, stroke her hair, give her a
little passion, then pull back and softly lick her bottom lip,
then a soft pucker. Then walk away. Bye!
By now she should be melting like an ant in the sun under the
intensity of your magnifying glass. Gross.
TAKE 2:
Melting like hot cheese on your saucy pizza.
Better.
In three weeks, send her a text message or an email telling her you
thought of her because....
(surely SOMETHING you see on TV or hear about will remind you of her.
Don't say, "I was at my usual corner table at Jiggles,
reaching in my pocket for a Washington when I thought of you.")
Don't call her for two months. Yeah, that's right. Be a soldier.
See other women. Really. You can do it. Girls want a
guy who is capable of getting other girls. She will never want you
if she thinks she can always have you. When you finally call her in 2
months (or 3 if you're gangsta) see what she's up to. All this
time, she should have you in the back of her mind, comparing how
you make her feel to how the guy she is with makes
her feel.
After a few months, if she's still with the dude, then good.
Because you would have wasted a lot of time and money on a
bim who was always waiting for her old man to come back. If she's NOT
with the dude, then gooder! Ask her out.
A girl will always choose the guy who makes her FEEL better. Who
makes her feel more like a princess? Or, if she likes danger,
who makes her feel more alive and on-the-edge? Or, if she's like
a lot of girls, who has more cocaine?
A woman can ONLY be with a man she RESPECTS. Woman respect courage.
Telling her your real feelings takes courage. Walking away
from her takes courage. But if you really want to show her you're
courageous, secretly set her house on fire and save her from the
burning building.
Or, set her heart on fire, and save her from herself.... ooooh
that's a good one! Yeah, I like that! I'm not sure what it means,
but DAAAMN that sounds good!
Be direct. Be strong. Be a man. But don't fart
in front of her. And Jim, that's how you win a bim.
Q64: Hi
Raykie. First, it is not a miracle that you met a smart,
attractive and funny guy online. I mean, I'm online
and I'm all those things!
(Well, I've been told I'm kinda not dumb, non-hideous,
and you KNOW I'm semi-hilarious.)
While there are many jerks online
(as there are jerks in the bar),
there are plenty of good men who don't want to meet a woman at a
club, and are too shy to approach women in the supermarket,
in the park, or at their meetings of Alcoholics
Anonymous. (Though this is a good
place to meet chicks since at least you know how you have something in
common: a hobby you are both passionate about.)
I think the real reason he is hesitating to call you his
girlfriend is because of your use of tired sayings. "Hot
and heavy"? Who says that?
You mean, the two of you are having sexual
intercourse? Does intercourse
= hot & heavy? So that means, most Americans are hot & heavy
after the 3rd date. 3 dates = hot & heavy? And you say the two of
you are as "happy as peas and carrots"? What the hell
does THAT mean?
Since when are Peas &
Carrots happy? Just because they co-habitate? I tell you Peas &
Carrots haven't been happy for a looooong time. They argue
like Cantaloupes & Deviled Eggs. In fact, Peas & Carrots
told me they are only staying together for the Kiwis. Once
the Kiwis are ripe enough to be on their own, it's Split Pea Soup!
Stoooooopid.
Why won't he call you his girlfriend?
Because he's scared. Scared that you
will get comfortable and stop giving him head. This is one
possibility. (NOTE: NEVER stop giving
head. Every good relationship since the beginning of time has been based
on satisfactory oral sex. Ever since Eve swallowed Adam's apple.) The other,
more likely thing, is that he wants to keep his options like
Paris Hilton's legs -- wide open.
Once, in every generation,
there is a song that sings so true, its words resonate --
and in your situation, that song would be "Good Enough for Now"
by the legendary lyricist, Weird Al Yankovic. The Prophet
sung
:
♫"You're sort of everything I've ever wanted
You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow
You're the woman that I've always dreamed of
Well, not really...but you're good enough for now
You're pretty close to what I've always hoped for
That's why my love for you is fairly strong
And I swear I'm never gonna leave you, darlin'
At least 'til something better comes along"
This is how your "boyfriend" feels about you. My advice is
that you dump him immediately after he gratifies your Garden
of Eden with his tongue. Then, to get over him, date the first
cute guy who looks at you, 'til something better comes along!
Go Back to
Archive
Do
some thoughtful sh!t! Make sure you can order her favorite dish.
Bring her a single red rose.
(If she likes roses. Some girls think this is cheesy. These girls are
often referred to as lesbians.) Order
wine. And good wine! Not wine-from-a-box!
(Not that I'm knocking wine-from-a-box. Because I like it, and
it's really a step up from what I used to drink --
wine-in-packet. Yeah, I was drinking powdered wine. Just
add water! Hey, it's what the astronauts drink!)
"Ya
know, woman (remember to say her
actual name here. If you don't remember it, say "sweetheart" or
"bitch." Note: only say bitch if you are totally bombing and you
just wanna make Roger Lodge laugh. Note 2: Roger Lodge is
the host of Blind Date, the best show in the history of
Television. Note 3: Roger Lodge has possibly the cushiest job on
television. Note 4: I wish I was Roger Lodge. Note 5: I
wonder if Roger Lodge can pick up chicks in the bar just by going up to
them and saying, "Hi, I'm Roger Lodge"? Note 6: He probably
can't.)
