How do I tactfully ask if she has herpes?
See, I heard a rumor that my ex-girlfriend got herpes after me.
But I'm not sure. Now I want to hook up with her. This would have to happen
in-the-moment and if I ask her if she's been tested it will kill the
mood. What should I do?
- L.W., Boston, MA
Hog's Relationship Advice:
Wow. Great question! Yeah, I can imagine it
now... the lights are low, candles flicker, the music is soft. You
kiss her neck and take in the sweet scent of her hair...
She puts down her glass of wine. Your eyes lock,
her head tilts in anticipation and you respond, "You got herpes?"
"No? Okay. Cool. Just checking."
Yeah, I don't think that would work.
Of course you could be direct and simply ask if she's been tested
recently, but you're right, if you are seducing a girl (sex is not a lock) then
you can't be breaking the mood by asking questions like:
1 - How many guys have you been with since we broke up? 2 - Were any of them in a rock band? 3 - Do you have gooey stuff in your muff?
Here is my advice... figure out if she has herpes on the sneak-tip. Go to
her bathroom and snoop around. Look in her cabinets. Chances are if she's got a
box of Valtrex she's not simply holding it "for a friend."
Do you see any telling magazines laying around,
like say, Herpes Quarterly?
Go on her computer and check the history of recent web sites she's
visited. Does anything jump out at you, say a specialized dating
site like www.HerpesisforLovers.com?
NOTE: My computer has all sorts of weird web sites but only
because I have to do research for your questions.
NOTE: Yes, someone DID ask for advice about inter-racial an@l asian midget sex!
NOTE: No they didn't.
Okay, this is a serious concern that you have. I mean, you could
get your ex out of your head. But we are lazy. We go back to old partners
because we think it's easier to convince them to have sex with us
then put in all the work of meeting someone new.
So to get the info maybe you can play a fun game like...
STD Scrabble!
What fun it is to shout out, "I've got Chlamydia! That's a triple word score!"
Or play this fun game: you say a word, and she says the 1st thing that
pops into her mind.
You say: cat She says: cute You say: summer She says: fun You say: blistering genital lesions accompanied by vaginal discharge She says: What the f*ck is wrong with you?
But if she gets red in the face and start subconsciously looking down at her uh,
hoo-hah, you might be clued into something.
Oh! I have a real genius idea right here! Do some sexy role
play!
Okay, so you've got her in the mood. She's ready to throw-down the ho-down.
So you whisper that you'd like to try something naughty. You say let's
play "dentist."
Now you get her to lay back in a recliner...
Dressed as a dentist you whisper in her ear, "Let's do some oral......
screening."
Then you probe her mouth with that little mirror-thing and a light looking for
herpes.
Say AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Then check her tongue.
Encourage her."Oh baby, this is so hot!", as you pull down her
lip to check for bumps.
When she asks, "Whabp are you dooooinph?" Just tell her you're checking some things out.
"Oh looks like you might have a cavity and oh, herpes! Bye!"
Or act like you're going down on her but spend a lot of time examining
things down there.
HER: You're really interested in my vagina. I mean what's with the
swabbing?
YOU: Uh, I heard q-tips are erotic.
Dude, there is NO way to tactfully put this question out there. You have
to either roll the dice or ask her if she's been tested recently.
Now the REAL question is, how do you tactfully ask to SEE the test results?
Because then you are questioning her honesty.
Bottom-line is this is what happens when there is no trust. Sex is
much better when you trust your partner. It's hard to completely enjoy sex
when in the back of your head you're worrying what sex-related souvenirs
you'll be taking home from your vacation to Hornyville.
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