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Hi Hog,
I really like my ex-boyfriend... and he got a new
girlfriend. I am so jealous! What do I do to get him back?
- Michelle
Hog's Relationship Advice:
You've got 2 things going on here. Do you want your
boyfriend back because you still like him or is it only because
you're jealous of his new girl?
That's not always an easy question to answer. Think carefully. We always want
what we can't have. (Except for ear hair. If someone forbid me
from growing ear hair, I still wouldn't want it. Well, maybe a little.)
The point is, now that your ex-boyfriend is unavailable, he's more
attractive to you.
In the words of the hopeless romantic, Eminem:
The more you put me through
The more it makes me wanna come back to you
You say you hate me, I just love you more
You don't want me, I just want you more
This is not about your ex-boyfriend. This is about the IDEA that someone else
has what you want. That really works you up and turns your blood into hot
sauce.
ABOVE: A bottle of hot sauce.
You're so hot right now you might even go out and mount someone
just to let out your aggression! Don't do it!
NOTE: Unless it's with me.
NOTE: If you're underage or somehow related to me, I feel really embarrassed
right now. Please, let's forget this ever happened.
You're going through a Jealous Rage. This is why I always tell guys to
make a girl jealous in order to win her heart. Make sure the girl thinks
you are seeing someone else. It works!
It works against us guys, too. Even if we break it off with a girl, we
don't want to see her with someone else.
Ever had a guy tell you, "If we can't be together, it's okay. I just want you
to be happy"?
Bullsh!t!
No guy wants to see his ex-girlfriends happy!
SUFFER!! SUFFER, B!TCH!! HA HA HA!!
I want my ex-girlfriends to miss me so much they cry themselves to sleep
screaming my name!
Wow. Where did that come from? HA HA HA.
The reason "we want what we can't have" is because we let the child in us
take control. I learned an incredible exercise from a great book
titled The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.
(The only thing that sucks about the book is that doesn't have
any pictures. I hate that!)
Okay, do this:
Imagine yourself as a little kid. Maybe 5 years old. Now imagine yourself
as a confident adult. Now have a conversation between the
confident-adult-you and Little-you.
Little-you talks like a kid. She IS a child. Little-you is scared.
Little-you is crying "Why doesn't he like me anymore?! Why did he leave me?"
Confident-Adult-You calms down little-you. "Don't worry. We'll find someone
new. I'll make sure of it. That guy wasn't right for us anyway. I know he's with
someone new. That's okay."
Little-YOU: But I feel lonely. I really liked him
Confident-Adult-You: I liked him too. But sometimes things don't work
out. It's okay. You're never alone. You have me. Talk to me whenever you feel
scared. I'll take care of you.
Little-You: Can I have ice cream?
Confident-Adult-You: You just had ice cream! Besides this is my
imagination!
Little-You: Then I want some imaginary ice cream!!!
Okay, you get the idea. This is a very powerful exercise. You can write
it out or talk it out. But if you talk it out, it's best not to do so on
the bus. Not that it's THAT strange to see a woman talking to herself on the
bus...
Now if you want to ignore everything I just said because you're a
hell-bent maniac intent on getting him back...
Do this:
1 - Create a fake MySpace profile for a girl. Add
"friends."
Email his new girlfriend on MySpace giving her a heads-up
that her new boyfriend has disgusting STD's like internal pen!s-warts and butt
acne.
Go on and on about how you never want to see
him again. He's a liar, a cheater, and one time he peed the bed.
You may want to throw in something about how you caught
him at Thanksgiving dinner kissing his cousin... Bruce.
NOTE: That stuff might be illegal. Not sure. If you do it, don't
blame me if you get beat up by the cops or arrested by your ex-boyfriend!
2 - Get someone to play the part of your new boyfriend. Be sure
your ex-boyfriend sees you out having fun with your new guy.
Choose carefully! What is your ex-boyfriend insecure about? That's what
your "new boyfriend" will have in abundance.
For example: If your ex-boyfriend is skinny, then your new boyfriend will
a body-builder. Your ex-boyfriend is broke, your boyfriend will be rich.
Your ex-boyfriend is stupid, your new boyfriend will be a genius.
If you're ex-boyfriend was a rich, genius, bodybuilder...
damn girl! I guess you really DO have a reason to cry!
Not sure what your ex-boyfriend is insecure about? Then choose a guy has a
tremendous dong.
99% of guys are worried that they got the short end
of the love stick. How do you communicate that your new man has a
tremendo-dong? Hmm... DON'T say he's in p0rn because:
a) your ex-boyfriend will think you are a total slut and never want to
touch you again.
b) if your ex-boyfriend is like most guys, you can't fool him with
that because he can recognize every porn star.
Instead, encourage your new "boyfriend" to walk around in spandex shorts
with a subway sandwich shoved between his legs.
Okay, here's how you get any man: offer him the
greatest pleasure. For men, that usually involves sex.
Now, just because you give a guy sex doesn't mean he's going to stay with you.
He has to know that doing you wrong will lead to pain. You can't tolerate any
nonsense. You find out he's cheating, he is gone forever. Tell him that.
Give a guy everything he finds pleasurable and it will be hard for him to refuse
you because he will be hard.
Give him the greatest sex of his life. Give him delicious food. Give him
attention. Leave him alone when he needs space.
If he acts badly, take away all of that good stuff.
Don't use sex or food as a reward. It's just part of what you offer. But he
should know that if he doesn't treat you right, he will lose it forever.
Here's what works on me:
If a girl wants me to be exclusive with her she could have me by:
1 - giving me the best sex ever
2 - cooking me delicious meals
3 - listening to all the stupid things I have to say
4 - not bothering me with all the stupid stuff she has to
say
5 - not being a super-bonkers-psycho-basket-case
In my experience, most girls CAN NOT or WILL NOT give you all of those things.
(Especially #5.) So the one who does has a huge advantage.
THINGS GIRLS DO THAT DON'T WORK
1 - Get pregnant to keep/steal a man.
Nope. 1st of all that is disgusting that you would leverage an innocent baby
in your quest to protect your ego. Stop that sh!t. 2nd of all, he'll always hate
you for trapping him. Don't do it.
2 - Call all the time. Beg.
If you seem needy, you will turn him off. People want what they can't have. Act
like he can't have you. Remember, it worked on you!
3 - Say his current girlfriend is a ...
wh0re/slut/c*m-guzzler/tramp/skankilicious skunk tw@t face/etc. No.
He likes that girl. Insulting his girl will only make him get defensive and
protect his beliefs.
So call him up! Tell him: "Even though we're not together anymore I want you
to know that I just want to see you happy. Even if it's not with me... Besides I
have Rico now. He's in the NFL. And he has a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge brain."
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