Hell yeah I do! My tip is to have it. Often, if possible. Preferably
with someone else.
TIP ON WHAT NOT TO DO: I know a guy who wanted to get his girlfriend
comfortable with the idea of engaging in a threesome with a another
girl. To get her comfortable, he thought it was a good idea for her to
have sex with him while he had sex with his inflatable doll.
Yes, really.
She broke up with him.
1 - It's bad enough you have an inflatable woman in your possession. 2 - It's worse that your girlfriend now knows about it. 3 - It's horrendous that you expect her to interact with it.
You can see why this girl would be freaked out. Now she not only has to
be worried if other WOMEN will steal her man away... but now she is
getting jealous of store mannequins. And cardboard cut outs. And posters
and possibly the supermarket's fruit selection.
SEX TIPS
ARE YOU MENTAL?
Sex is mostly mental. Find out what your partner likes and give it to
him. And you should tell him what you like.
If a person is a giving person, that person is usually giving in bed. If
a girl is selfish, she usually gives crappy bl0w-jobs.
His pleasure should be your pleasure. And your pleasure should bring him
pleasure.
Be a freak in bed! When he asks where you learned how to do that, tell
him you read a lot. Do NOT start listing partners.
FAKE N BAKE Never fake it. Why should you? If it's not good for you, then it's your fault
for not communicating your desires. But if you DO tell him
what you like and he still doesn't do it then the two of you are not
compatible. That's okay. Some guys aren't into being tied up and whipped across the face with licorice.
Luckily for you, I am!
NOTE: Just kidding.
NOTE: I prefer to be pelted in the scrotum with Skittles.
NOTE TO SELF: What the hell is wrong with me?
TEASE ME, PLEASE ME, SLEAZE ME
Anticipation is the greatest foreplay. Knowing that great pleasure is
coming (Heh, heh) increases the sensation when the moment finally
arrives. For example, don't just gobble his spit-rod. Kiss around it.
Get real close then pull away. Give him a naughty look then put his
jimma-jam close to your face. Tickle his b@lls. This will drive him
nuts. Literally.
STINK IN THE PINK
This is crucial. Make sure all your openings, crevices, and pits are free of odoriffic odors.
Me? I hang an air freshener tree on my jammy so
my man-grapes smell like evergreen pine. I ALWAYS shower before sex
because unless you look into your butt in the mirror, you never know if
there are turd-monkeys swinging from your anal-vines.
Girls, this is even more important for you since your gas hole will be in
full view. It's best to swab this area squeaky clean with rubbing
alcohol and a q-tip. No pain, no gain!
NOTE: I take no responsibility if you are actually stupid enough to pour
rubbing alcohol into your butt.
Your fun-dip (AKA your vagina) should not smell like any other
following:
*
NYC's Chinatown
*
a sweaty sock
*
an expensive cheese
TRUE STORY: I was with this girl who smelled bad down there. The
opening scene in Law & Order where they find the rotting dead body? It could
have taken place in her v@gina. I didn't know
how to tell her she needed to wash better. Besides, actions speak louder
than words...
So after pleasuring her with my finger, I used that same hand to slowly
caress her face and I let my finger linger under her nose.
I removed it when her eyes started watering.
And guys, before dropping your Santa sack on her chimney, inspect
yourself before your wreck yourself. Give your scrotum the smell test.
Simply wipe a finger under your sack, now smell your finger. Yeah, she
doesn't want to smell that either. That's why I roll deodorant under my
grapes.
TALK DIRTY
Some people like this and some don't. I've had girls tell me to "be
quiet" because I was ruining the fantasy that they were with someone
they were actually attracted to.
It's hard for a girl to imagine she's being mounted by New York Mets
All-star 3rd basemen David Wright when I'm yapping in her ear.
Which is exactly why I keep talking. I like a girl to focus on the d!ck
in front of her.
Ask your partner, "Do you want me to talk dirty to you?"
If you say the wrong word, you can ruin the mood. This is why I give
girls a multiple choice Dirty Talk quiz. I have them circle all the
words they want me to say and cross-out those they don't.
So far, ZERO girls have circled the words "whore-face", "t!t burgers" or
"turtle-tail."
What people like varies wildly.
In general, guys wants to be complimented on the size of their
reproductive organs and how powerful they are. Girls want to hear how beautiful, sexy, and
small they are.
A girl thinking like a girl will tell a guy that he has a beautiful
c0ck.
NOTE: Only the word c0ck is acceptable. You can also say d!ck as a
change-of-pace. Never say pen!s. It just sounds weird. Don't say
man-meat. And NEVER call it a pee-pee.
"Oh baby, your wiener feels so GOOD."
No.
Guys don't want to hear how "beautiful" their body parts are. Guys care
about size and technical details and competitive stuff.
RIGHT: Oh God, give it to me just like that! WRONG: Oh God, you're incredible. This is the 3rd best sex ever!
RIGHT: It's so big! WRONG: Ooooh, look how pretty!
And guys, tell a girl she's sexy and hot.
RIGHT: Damn girl, you look so hot doing that! WRONG: Damn you got a big ass! Shake that tremendous rump!
EXPERIMENT
Have fun and experiment. If you trust your partner, you can try new
things. Just be careful not to hurt their feelings.
YES: I want you to f*ck me while I hold this vibrator. NO: You're inadequate. I would like you to bring in sex toys as that may
be my one and only hope of achieving an 0rgasm while you are in the same
room.
BE SAFE
You may find that you enjoy sex more when your love-parts are not covered with open sores, pimples, and poison-ivy. For that reason,
protect yourself.
And remember, according to the Church, the only 100% safe sex... is NO
sex. And we all know how well that plan is working out for the Priests.
It sure isn't 100% safe for the altar boys!
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