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Hi Hog,

I'm in love with my best friend, but he doesn't love me back!

He hasn't talked to me since I told him, and it's freaking me out! We've been friends for quite a while. I don't know what to do. I've thought of kissing a guy in front of him, but that wouldn't prove to be effective. What about sex? Please help me!

-Tired Of Being In Love

Hog's Relationship Advice:

This is shocking.

Because this always happens the other way around: when the guy secretly loves the girl who he's close friends with.

I'm glad you finally told him. But you probably only told him because it was causing you so much pain NOT to tell him. The pain of not telling him finally outweighed the pain of possibly losing him altogether.

The guy probably knew, on some level at least, that you like-liked him. He chose to ignore the little signals you sent because he was too wussy to be direct and hurt your feelings.

And until now, YOU were too wussy to tell him your true feelings.

So in that respect, you two have a lot in common! You two could be the future Mr. and Mrs. Wussy!

Mrs. Wussy: I'm hungry. Should we go out to eat?
Mr. Wussy: I don't know. I mean, let's do whatever you want to do.
Mrs. Wussy: I want to do what YOU want to do, I mean, if that's okay with you.
Mr. Wussy: Of COURSE it's okay with me. Is it okay with you?
Mrs. Wussy: I'm not that hungry any more.
Mr. Wussy: Me neither... unless you are.

Your exact situation happened to a friend of mine. He was in love with this girl who was his closest friend. Even though they moved to different cities, they talked on the phone and emailed for years! 9 years!

For her birthday he would give her extravagant gifts. For Valentine's Day he'd send her roses and chocolate. Did he ever tell her his true feelings?



She got engaged.

Then he flew out to see her to tell her everything. It was almost like that movie "The Graduate."

NOTE: The Graduate is on Hog's List of Best Movies of All-Time.

NOTE: And NOT because it introduced the American Public to the concept of a MILF!

NOTE: Well, sure that's part of it, but... hey! It's a good movie!

So he's about to tell her. He wants to get her alone. On a date, kinda. Somewhere he can be romantic and try to convince her that she is making a big mistake and that she should be with him.

NOTE: My friend is a pasty-white computer programmer who thinks dressing snazzy means tucking his plaid button-down shirt into his Dockers.

NOTE: I have cool friends.

NOTE: I said the word "Snazzy." That's pretty cool!!!

So the girl won't go along with his plan. She's shocked that he flew out to see her in the 1st place. So she invites him to go out with her and her soon-to-be-husband.

This is where things get freaky.

This girl that he has loved for 9 years... dreamt about... is marrying a man who... looks... just... like... him!

The 3 person date went great! They talked about the Unix operating system, Dungeons & Dragons, Star Trek... and the girl talked about some stuff, too!

The 2 guys got along great! Of course! They had so much in common!

So when my buddy finally told the girl his true lovey-feelings she flipped the f*ck out.

Whatever. She HAD to know. She couldn't have been that stupid.

And your friend can't be that stupid either.

The moral of the story is when you like someone, ACT! It doesn't mean you have to slap the guy in the face with your hoobity-boobities, but bust out some moves! Get him attracted to you! If he's not attracted to you, then move on! Don't get hung up on some dude for the rest of your life.

Don't count on some dude to bring you happiness.

True happiness comes from within. Or whatever the hell it is single people say to make themselves feel better.

No, really. Be happy 1st. Find out about YOU. Then you can find a man to ADD to your happiness. But a man will never be able to fill that hole inside you.

NOTE: All you guys thinking what I'm thinking are perverts!

NOTE: That's pretty cool!

If the guy is actually mad that you like him then you are NOT going to win this guy over.

Most guys, when you tell them you like them... they WANT to molest you. I mean, make bang-bang to you. Even if the guy has a girlfriend -- the best girlfriend in the world -- he will feel remorse.

"Damn it! I could have sex with this chick if I didn't have a girlfriend!" He will even go so far to APOLOGIZE to you: "Sorry. I really wish I could bang you. No, seriously. You have no idea how much I would like to. But I have a girlfriend."

Then when he eventually breaks up with his girlfriend, guess who he is going to call?

That's right! That girl he had sex with 3 years ago. Then if she's not around, he'll call you next.

Bottom-line is this guy is probably not attracted to you. Because he's g@y. Or because you're too fat. Or both.

Hey! Just being honest! Don't blame ME because the only muscles you exercise are those involved in aiding digestion!

Okay, I have no idea how attractive you are. It doesn't matter. What matters is that HE is not attracted to you.

Men are very visual. So become visually appealing to this guy. (Is he really worth all this work?)

Get your body in good shape. Make your skin clear. Make your hair nice. Learn how to wear make-up and clothes that make you look pretty.

NOTE: Remember, not all guys like the same thing. Some guys like thick, curvy women, while other guys like girls who AREN'T fat.

NOTE: Just kidding! I actually like girls with curves! Forget those super-skinny girls! If I wanted to have sex with a skeleton I'd go back to the 8th grade biology class closet after the teacher and all the students were gone and... Hey! It was a SCIENCE EXPERIMENT!

You may say, Hog! Why does it have to be all be about looks?!

It's not. But it's mostly.

I didn't create this society. I'm just informing you of what IS. If you don't like it, then become a lesb!an.

NOTE: Remember that only BUTCH lesbians are allowed to look sloppy. So if you don't want to be the one wearing the plastic pen!s in the bedroom, you'll STILL have to learn to look attractive.

IMPORTANT: Being pretty doesn't mean looking like someone else. It means looking like the prettiest YOU.

Remember when Lindsay Lohan tried to look Nicole Richie? Yuck! Lindsay Lohan looks best when she has boobies and freckles.

Other girls look better when they are slim and toned. No girl looks good when she's so skinny that her n!pples look like they are taped to her ribs.

About the sex...

Don't ever use sex to get a guy. Because it works.

For the short-term.

But then he will cheat on you because he is not REALLY happy.

Never get hung-up on a guy. There are so many guys out there. It's better to learn how to meet and attract guys than to get all frustrated over one dopey dude.

Because there are plenty of dopey guys out there. I should know because I'm one of them!

Twisted Humor


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