Dating Advice Man: My girlfriend doesn't like my female friend. Dating Advice + Twisted Humor

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Hi Hog,

I'm back with my first love, but I happen to like my neighbor... and my first love doesn't want me hanging out with her because she doesn't like her. What do I do?

- David

Hog's Relationship Advice:

"My first love." That's cute. Who talks like that?

If the phrase "my first love" ever came out of my mouth, it would be in reference to chicken wings... or boobies.

So I suppose you recently got back together with your "first love" after a time period of feeling up other women.

Now she is scared of losing you again to your "second love" or "third love." And on top of that, you are starting to "love thy neighbor" a bit too much for her liking.

Basically, she doesn't want your soon-to-be-cheating-ass hanging around this particular girl because:

1 - you have expressed interest in your neighbor
2 - this neighbor is conveniently located because, duh, she's your neighbor

Men are lazy. We "fall in love" with women who express any interest in us whatsoever (such as that smile she gave us back on December 12th, 2005) and who are conveniently located within b0ner-distance* and who are not hideous-looking.

NOTE: B0ner-distance is the number of miles a man will travel while aroused in the trousers. For most, the distance is about 15 miles. However, if the man has not relieved the situation in his trousers for over 1 year, his b0ner-distance increases to between 6 and 10 thousand miles. This explains the popularity of Thailand as a tourist destination.

NOTE: What the hell are trousers?

If your girlfriend doesn't like someone, then you shouldn't hang out with that person anymore. Because your girlfriend is supposed to tell you what to do and when to do it. This is what we call being p*ssy-whipped.

The next level is when you disappear from society. Your friends never see or hear from you ever again. This is called being caught in the sn@tchmosphere.

The rules in a relationship are set early. Right at the start you have to let your girlfriend know how it's going to be. And if she doesn't like it, then she can leave.

But what if she leaves?!!!

If you're asking that question, then please look down into your lap. Do you see anything? No? That's because your girlfriend has your b@lls.

I believe in compromise, but not in demands. You are both free to do whatever you please. And besides, you can't really control each other anyway. If she forbids you from seeing your neighbor, you'll still secretly see her and just lie about it. You have to trust each other. Explain this to your girlfriend:

YOU: Baby, we have to trust each other.
YOUR GIRLFRIEND: Why?
YOU: That way you'll stop spying on me so I can cheat on you.
YOUR GIRLFRIEND: Did you mean to say that out loud?
YOU: Uh, you look pretty today. Are those new shoes?

If your girlfriend doesn't like one of your female friends, (and this female is really just a friend) you can try to get the two girls to become friendly with each other.

NOTE: This will require alcohol, a dark room with candles, and massage oils.

Just kidding about the lesb!an thing. Women become friends with other women based on 1 thing and 1 thing alone: hatred of the same people.

Women form strong bonds with other women who hate the same people.

Example 1:

LISA: Oh my God! That Paris Hilton is such a wh0re!
TINA: I know! She's such a slut!
LISA: Tina, would you like to come out to the dance club with me and my girlfriends?
TINA: Sure! I have this cute new dress that barely covers my cl!toris!

Example 2:

NIKKI: Did you ever notice that Lisa and Tina are complete idiots?
WENDY: I know!
NIKKI: Do you want to go out to lunch together and talk about all the unattractive women we see in the room?
WENDY: I can't think of anything I'd love to do more!

So if you can get these 2 girls to hate the same person, they will become friends. And then your girlfriend might allow you to hang out with your neighbor under the conditions that

1 - it's during the day
2 - it's in a public and not pubic area
3 - you allow your girlfriend to monitor you on a "nanny cam"

Enjoy this great freedom now! Right now! Because female friendships tend to have the lifespan of a fruit fly. You have about 6 days until these two stop talking to each other and become enemies.

So in conclusion, your girlfriend is scared you will cheat on her. And she's right. You probably will. So in order to not cheat, get out your excess s*xual energy by looking at a lot of naughty web sites. When she sees all the smut on your computer, she will call you on it.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND: Gross! I was using your computer and found dirty movies with inter-racial-@n@l-Asian-midget-s*x! Why?!!!
YOU: Because... I love you!!!

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