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How to Speak British Without Making an Arse of Yourself

girl british flag

by me, HogWild

hogwild

I was chatting up this lass. (British slang for flirting with a chick.) She was telling me how different her country's slang is from our American slang. For instance, at work, she had to make a phone call to a man regarding an industrial equipment leasing account. She tells her boss, "I'm sorry, but he's engaged."

This lead to some confusion. "Engaged" just means that the man wasn't picking up the phone because he was on the other line. Not that he was getting ready to try on mens wedding bands and walk down the aisle. His phone line is engaged.

Weird!

Here are some other wacky British slang terms:

* ďTo knock you upĒ means to wake you up by knocking on the door.

* To "diddle" means to cheat someone.

* A "fag" is a cigarette.

* When the British are surprised or shocked they exclaim, "Blow me!"

* "Slap and tickle" means having sex.

* And courage is "a lotta bottle." From drinking alcohol from a bottle.

* And to them a real jerk is called a "wanker."

I can imagine a conversation at the front desk of a bed and breakfast in England:

CLERK: Tomorrow morning, would you like me to knock you up?

UNATTRACTIVE AMERICAN FEMALE GUEST: Are you serious?

CLERK: I wouldnít diddle you!

UNATTRACTIVE AMERICAN FEMALE GUEST: Then how will you knock me up?

CLERK: Quite easily! And if I canít do it, then Iíll get me mate to do it.

UNATTRACTIVE AMERICAN FEMALE GUEST: OhÖ youíre one of those.

CLERK: One of those what? Oh, itís me break. Iím going out to smoke a fag.

UNATTRACTIVE AMERICAN FEMALE GUEST: Thatís disgusting!

CLERK: Oh, I know. Bad habit really. Ah, hereís Ben. He will take care of you.

BEN: So do you want me to knock you up in the morning?

UNATTRACTIVE AMERICAN FEMALE GUEST: You English men are so forward! So did you just come back from smoking a fag?

BEN: Certainly not! Bloody nasty, if you ask me. What time shall I knock you up?

UNATTRACTIVE AMERICAN FEMALE GUEST: What makes you think you can just have sex with me?

BEN: Blow me!!!

UNATTRACTIVE AMERICAN FEMALE GUEST: Oh, I donít do that.

BEN: You want the old slap and tickle? Thereíll be a whole lot more slappiní than tickliní, thatís for sure! Sex with you? Whoa! That would take a whole lotta bottle!

UNATTRACTIVE AMERICAN FEMALE GUEST: So youíre well endowed?

CLERK: Oh, Benís a huuuuuge wanker!

BEN: This is just smashing.

UNATTRACTIVE AMERICAN FEMALE GUEST: Itíd better not be just smashing. Youíre gonna be my baby daddy!

BEN (rolling eyes): Bloody smashing!

UNATTRACTIVE AMERICAN FEMALE GUEST: Bloody? How big is your wanker?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwww!!! HA HA HA!



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British slang. British jokes. How to speak British without making an arse of yourself. Funny rants. Dirty Jokes. Twisted Humor.
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