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How to Not Destroy Your 1 Shot at Having Sex

by me, HogWild

hogwild

When girls sleep with somebody they always say stuff like: We were out partying, having a few drinks when "the next thing your know..."

To girls, it's "the next thing you know" But to us guys, there's a lot of work that we put into "the next thing you know"!!!

We gotta make you laugh, we gotta listen to your stories, we gotta stay awake and the hardest thing for us guys to do is to not say something stupid.

Because as guys, we are always one stupid sentence away from ruining everything.

Thats why when Im on a date, I keep my mouth shut!

This girl was like "You're really quiet. Are you shy?"

ME: No, no, no Im just keeping my mouth shut... you know, so I can have sex with you...... Damn it! You tricked me!

On the date, this girl was like, "It would be romantic if you feed me." Um, okay. So I put a little piece of food on my fork and I was like, "OPEN WIDE!" Then I proceeded to wave it around making airplane noises.

She thought it was kinda funny.

The first time I did it.

Because the second time I did it... I was not holding a fork.

I was holding my wiener.

"OPEN WIDE!" HA HA HA!

And on the date she asked me all these stupid questions.

HER: If you could have a super power, what would it be?

ME: Uh, I don't know. I guess I'd like the power to ejaculate lightning. That way after we have sex you'd be like, "Oh my God! That was..." Then I interrupt in my super hero voice: "Electrifying?"

When it comes to sex, I've discovered that girls can be completely different people in bed. For the first 3 dates, this girl I was seeing was kinda quiet. Then we get back to her apartment, ya know... And she rips off her clothes, claws shoot of her fingers, her eyes start glowing, she jumps on top of me and bats me around the room like Im a ball of yarn.

It turns out she likes rough sex. Well, I guess I wasn't giving her what she wanted because she slapped me across the face!

So I pushed her down on the bed!

She was like, "Yes! Hurt me!"

So...... I told her she was fat.

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