So I saw this ridiculous article in the New York Times about scientists who are doing very important research on the size of duck pen!ses.

Now, who knew that ducks even had pen!ses?

As I learned from the article, most birds don't have wieners. They simply have a hole that shoots out their male reproductive goo. But ducks have ding-dongs. And big ones.

But they don't start out that way. Ducks have a pen!s that is the size of a grain of rice. But by mating season, it has grown to the size of their entire body!

It looks like a long, spiraling tentacle. I'm not sure, but I imagine it looks like Rotelle pasta. But it's probably less delicious.

Now I have to wonder, when I eat duck, am I eating duck d!ck? Can I request, "No duck d!ck, please"?

My main issue here is this: the woman profiled in the article, Dr. Brennan, is a highly-intelligent scientist. Why has she decided to measure duck pen!ses?

This woman has studied at Yale University, yet she chooses to measure duck pen!ses. You would think that is a job NOT for a person who graduated from an Ivy League University, but for someone who dropped out of school in 6th grade.

THIS IS WHY WE HAVEN'T FOUND A CURE FOR TERRIBLE DISEASES! BECAUSE THERE ARE TOO MANY PERVERT SCIENTISTS DOING THINGS LIKE MEASURING DUCK PEN!SES INSTEAD OF DOING ACTUAL WORK!

Who the hell is paying Dr. Brennan to go around catching ducks with a ruler?!

This is an actual quote from Dr. Brennan as she began to study ducks: “I could not believe it. It became one of those questions I wrote down: why do these males have this huge phallus? So what does the female look like? Obviously you can’t have something like that without some place to put it in. You need a garage to park the car.”

These are the thoughts of our brilliant scientists. "You need a garage to park the car."

Are you f*cking serious? "You need a garage to park the car"???!!! That's VERY scientific! I don't normally read scientific journals, but with groundbreaking research such as ,"You need a garage to park the car" I might have to start!

So Dr. Brennan's job is to handle these "enormous organs", and I am sure she is asking herself some very important questions like,

1 -  Why am I now feeling disappointed with my boyfriend?

2 - I went to medical school and now I just service waterfowl, where did things go wrong?

and

3 - Did I get any duck sauce on my blouse?