* My fantasy wife would be understanding. While gobbling my spit-rod, she'd pace herself during the show and turn it up a notch during commercials.

Stamina is making it to see the end of Law & Order.

* She'd be fantastic in the kitchen. Totally naked under her apron. A real freak -- pan handles in each hand cooking 2 meals at once -- and neither one has vegetables.

* She'd know how to dress. In fact, she wouldn't even own shirts or shoes. She's be topless and barefoot at all times. The only outfit she'd own would include a stethoscope and a little white hat with red plus sign.

* She'd do my taxes.

* I would never know if she had bad breath because she would never talk. Except 2 phrases. "Dinner's ready" and "I'm ready."

* She'd have a tattoo on the small of her back, right above her ass in the shape of a beer coaster, so while making love, I'd have a place to coast my beer.

* Our marriage license would expire on her 30th birthday.

* She'd be intelligent. She'd be writing her PhD dissertation on neurotransmitter function while gobbling my spit-rod.

* She'd have nipples made of bubble-gum.

* She'd be a 110 pound Asian woman with huge natural breasts -- and Jewish.

HEY, IT'S MY FANTASY WIFE!