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The Homeless Wedding

by me, HogWild

hogwild

I live in New York City and you know there's homeless people here. Well there's this homeless guy on my block that I see every day for years now. We're like friends now. So he invited me to his wedding.

It was an outdoor wedding. Duh. It was a big wedding. 2000 guests attended. Because that’s how many people were in Central Park.

The homeless couple exchanged wedding vows. It was beautiful but it was interrupted when the bride was hit in the head with a Frisbee.

I chipped in to rent the groom a tuxedo... but I think after the store smells it -- he’s going to own it. His cummerbund is a weightlifting belt he found in the trash. He’s wearing shopping bags as shoes. His homeless bride is wearing a beautiful white bed sheet.

There was a 5 piece band. The band members were his more talented homeless friends. They were good but it was annoying how they stopped after every song to walk around shaking a cup full of change. There was a guy who used upside down buckets as drums. An accordion player. A dude playing a Casio keyboard. And a 1 legged breakdancer. 

Did I mention that I was the best man? So I had to make a toast. I raise my brown paper bag of beer: “To a loving couple. They truly deserve each other.”

Instead of gifts, they requested a donation of "Whatever you can spare… even a penny.”

Dinner was a self-serve buffet. Which is a nice way of saying that everyone ate out of garbage cans.

For dessert, my homeless friend made an announcement: "About now you might be expectin' the traditional "cutting of the cake"... well we ain't got no cake, but I DID cut the cheese! Heh heh heh!"

I know a lot of you girls out there would never marry a homeless guy, but there's some benefits. Like, he had plenty of aluminum cans to tie to the back of the limo!

But they didn’t have a limo. So instead he tied the cans to the back of his tricycle and they pedaled off into the the sunset.

Last I heard they were on their honeymoon in Newark, N.J. They're staying at the Sheraton Hotel. Or, more accurately, they're staying BEHIND the Sheraton Hotel... doing what newlyweds do... in the dumpster.

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I was invited to a Homeless Wedding. I was the best man... . Funny rants. Dirty Jokes. Twisted Humor.
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