JUSTIN: We’re almost a month into the college football season and if we know anything it’s that USC is on pace to win another National Championship and Notre Dame has a chance to go winless for the first time since 1887... and they didn’t even have a coach that year. So what is the problem with Notre Dame’s team?

HOG: Well the first problem is their name. The Fighting Irish. It’s the 21st century! Haven’t we evolved to the point where we don’t name teams after ethnic groups? Or if they MUST name teams like that, let’s mix it up and go against the stereotypes with team names like…

* The Bad-at-Math Chinamen

* Peace-Loving Fundamentalist Muslims

* The We-Definitely-Will-Never-Surrender Frenchmen

JUSTIN: What about The-Lazy-Fat-Americans...oh wait, that's what the rest of the world calls us already.

Back to the problem with Notre Dame. We should start at the beginning and that’s recruiting. The simple fact is that it’s hard to compete with colleges like the University of Southern California, Florida and Texas when Notre Dame is a Catholic school located in Indiana

Where would you rather go to school: Los Angeles, Miami or South Bend, Indiana?

Would you rather spend your weekends surfing and laying on the beach or attending Mass?

HOG: Hey! Have you seen the extra-curricular activities NFL athletes enjoy? These guys NEED Church!

Besides, South Bend, Indiana has lots of exciting things going on for young people to enjoy!

Like uh, the College Football Hall of Fame!

And uh, the Potawatomi Zoo!

And why would a 19 year old man want to hang out in Hollywood or on South Beach when he can chill in South Bend at the Studebaker National Museum! Woo-hoo!

JUSTIN: Secondly, Notre Dame has a long tradition of the top teams in the country wanting to play against them. Every year they play the likes of Michigan, USC and UCLA which is great when you have a good team but when you don’t, it means you’re going to get blown out more times than John Holmes!

HOG: NOTE TO OUR NON-PERVERT READERS: John Holmes was an adult-film star back in the day.

NOTE TO SELF: Do we have non-pervert readers?

JUSTIN: What’s worse is that with Notre Dame’s schedule and the way their team is playing, most college football analysts are predicting they could go 0-8 before they play Navy in the Who-Sucks-Worse Bowl!

HOG: C’mon Justin. That’s a ridiculously unrealistic name for a College Bowl Game. Everyone knows it would be called the FedEx-Who-Sucks-Worse Bowl presented by AT&T.

JUSTIN: It gets ever worse for Chandra Wilson because on November 30th, 2004 she shaved her head and refused to grow it back until Notre Dame won the National Championship! Of course it needs to be said that Chandra Wilson shaved her head because she thought the firing of Notre Dame’s first black head coach was unfair but the simple fact is that there’s a good chance that this woman is going to die bald headed!

HOG: Who the hell is Chandra Wilson?

JUSTIN: She was an aid to one of the Reverends at Notre Dame when Ty Willingham was coaching.

HOG: Like, is she a lesb!an? Because then it wouldn’t be a big deal if she had a shaved head. That would be like me declaring, “I will spank my romance-pole every day until the Mets win the World Series!”

JUSTIN: And if the Mets win the series will you quit playing good cop / bad cop with your pen!s? Because if so, I will now cheer for the Mets just to see you suffer! Ha Ha!

The good news for Notre Dame fans is that their head coach is Charlie Weiss. Weiss was the genius behind the offense for the New England Patriots when they won three Super Bowls in 4 years.

In 2005 though, he decided to try his hand at Head Coaching and took over for Notre Dame. His first season he took the Irish to a record of 9-3 but got blown out in the Fiesta Bowl by Ohio State 34-20. The next season, the Irish went 10-2 only to have history repeat itself when they were blown out again by the Louisiana State 41-14 in the Sugar Bowl.

HOG: I think Notre Dame needs a new head coach. A head coach who understands the players. A head coach who is willing to get vicious. A head coach who can also play quarterback. That’s right, Michael Vick. Plus it would fulfill his court obligation to “work with young people.”

JUSTIN: Ummm, yeah.

HOG: Or even better, in 2009 a certain someone will be available for a new job. He has leadership experience. He knows how to go to war. And the best part is: he’s totally oblivious to reality! That’s right, for their new Head Coach, Notre Dame should hire President George W. Bush!

JUSTIN: Ummm, is Michael Vick still available?

HOG: So when Notre Dame starts the season 2-7 we’ll hear things like,

COACH GEORGE W. BUSH: We’re winning the fight. It’s not easy. It’s going to take time to hunt down the quarterback and bring their half-back to justice. We have captured the football on the 40 yard line but the road ahead is difficult – but we will prevail! Our enemies in the Middle East, er, Big East -- are brutal, but they are no match for the athletes of United States of Notre Dame! May God bless you all.

JUSTIN: The bad news is that this season without Heisman Trophy Candidate Brady Quinn at quarterback, the Notre Dame offense has been absolutely pathetic scoring only 2 touchdowns in 4 games. The defense which was suspect to begin with hasn’t been much better, giving up an average of 33 points per game. Hell even HogWild can figure out that when you’re team is getting outscored by an average of 26 points a game that it’s not going to be a very good season!

HOG: Hey I do know Math! ! In 7th grade, I was on the Math Team! Yeah, what?! I got mad Math Team groupies, too! They all wanted a piece of my parabola!

NOTE: No they didn’t.

JUSTIN: The bottom line is that while the Irish have almost all the ingredients to be a dominant team in the NCAA, they just don’t have the talent. And until they get that talent I predict that Touchdown Jesus is going to be awful lonely in the Notre Dame End Zone!

HOG: There’s a Touchdown Jesus?!

Oh, okay, I looked it up:




HOG: I see, because Jesus has his arms up like the referee signaling a touchdown… even though Notre Dame is a Catholic school, I think they should include all religions into their football program.

Like, I want to see “First Down Moses” pointing forward to the Promised Land. And “Time-Out Buddha” meditating over which play to run next. And “Performance-Enhancing Zeus” injecting a powerful "thunderbolt" into their linebacker's posterior.