Today is my parents' 35th Wedding Anniversary.

You know how the traditional 1st Anniversary gift is paper and the 5th Anniversary is wood... the 35th Anniversary should be gold. But not gold as in jewelry. But gold as in a gold medal to wear around your neck like an Olympic athlete.

You've won. You've proven yourself. Here's your endorsement deal:

"Hi, my name is Joe and for the past 35 years I've been married to the same woman. What's my secret? Coca-Cola. What does Coca-Cola have to do with marriage? Nothing. Except whenever my wife starts her jibber-jabberin' I just nod my head and take another gulp of my Coca-Cola."

My mom called me and was like, "Don't forget it's our anniversary.... 35 wonderful years."

What? I was there for 18 of those years. What I remember was a lot of fighting. My parents can fight about anything. In fact, I like to play a game that I call "What can't my parents argue about?"

Here's how you play:

Without telling them, I'll bring up a topic. Like say, clouds.

ME: Sure is looking cloudy.
MOM: I hate clouds!
DAD: What? Clouds are wonderful!
MOM: Clouds stink! I wanted to sit out in the sun!
DAD: The sun? Who needs the sun?
MOM: How can you not like the sun???!!!!

This the point where I slap my forehead and say something out of the Charlie Brown phrasebook such as "Oh brother!" or "Good Grief!"

My parents love to argue. It's what keeps them together. I've been in long-term relationships and I know how it is. Two people who see each other every single day will eventually run out of things to talk about. That's where arguing comes in!

It fills up all the empty spaces in the conversation. Because really, if it wasn't for arguing, this is how most relationships would be:

WOMAN: Looks like rain.
MAN: Yep.
WOMAN: So did I tell you about that thing at work?
MAN: Yep.
WOMAN: Do you want to visit my mother this weekend?
MAN: Nope...... So..... do you want to have sex?
WOMAN: Nope......
MAN: So what time are we leaving to visit your mother?
WOMAN: Five.

Not only does arguing fill up the silence, but it creates excitement.

CAUSES OF EXCITEMENT: 3 WEEKS INTO RELATIONSHIP
* Just the sight of your new love makes sets your heart a flitter-flutter.

CAUSES OF EXCITEMENT: 3 MONTHS INTO RELATIONSHIP
* Oh man! I can't wait to see what new sex position we will try out tonight!

CAUSES OF EXCITEMENT: 3 YEARS INTO RELATIONSHIP
* Well, *that's* certainly a new smell.

CAUSES OF EXCITEMENT: 30 YEARS INTO RELATIONSHIP
* Netflix.

There was a lot of yelling our home. Because they love each other.

To my parents, yelling = love.

Once I brought a girl to meet my parents and she ran out crying.

MY GIRL: Your parents hate me! Why are they screaming at me?!!!
ME: Oh, sweetheart, it's because they love you.
MY GIRL: Oh my God. Then what do they do to people they don't like.
ME: Strangely, they're very nice to them.