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How to Cheat Properly in the NFL

paris hilton

NFL Football, Funny Rants + Twisted Humor

Justin Sanders


Justin Sanders with HogWild

JUSTIN: Well last Sunday my Dark Horse pick for the Super Bowl went down quicker than Barbaro at the Preakness.

HOG: Down quicker than WHO at WHAT? You mean went down quicker than Paris Hilton on a random man in a bathroom stall at a L.A. night club?

paris hilton

JUSTIN: Luckily though for the New York Jets they don’t shoot football teams that perform poorly so they’ve still got 15 weeks to get their mojo back. So hang in there HogWild, there’s still time for a comeback. But the Jets might want to find a quarterback who can throw passes longer than 20 yards!

HOG: Hey! Chad Pennington can air it out for AT LEAST 22 yards. (If you give him a running start with the wind at his back.)

JUSTIN: Now while having your ass whipped on national television isn't bad enough, it turns out the Patriots were also stealing the Jets defensive play signals with a video camera.

My only question is WHY? The Patriots were clearly the better team last Sunday so why risk the wrath of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodall by stealing signals? Seriously, were any of the signals that they stole a signal for a truce? I wonder what the Jets defensive signal is for “Please stop whipping our ass?”

The rumor around town is that not only were all of the Jets defensive signals caught on the Patriots video tape but there was also a shot of Britney Spears crotch and yet another Paris Hilton sex tape.

paris hilton

HOG: Yes, the Patriots scouts are really comprehensive in their collection of video.

PATRIOTS SCOUT: Coach! I’ve got it! The opposition’s playbook on video! And also a bootleg copy of Superbad!

JUSTIN: It’s not like teams in the NFL don’t regularly try to gain every advantage possible by sending scouts to games to spy on other teams but never has anyone been so bold as to video tape from the sidelines!

HOG: That’s nothing! If I was an NFL coach, I’d hire ninjas. I’d have them sneak around the other team’s sidelines, spying and stealing plays. And quickly snapping the necks of all their best players. But no one would see them do this because… they’re ninjas!


1 -  Don't be stupid and use banned performance-enhancing substances.

Be smart and use the performance-enhancing substances that they don't test for!

My players would be running around pumped on HGH, running fast on super-charged Starbucks caffeinated coffee, and they'd mentally disturb you because they'll all be taking Viagra, so it will be very uncomfortable when they tackle you.

2 -  Every quarterback and coach has a communication headset. I would jam this radio frequency with Clay Aiken songs.

3 - At home games, I would mess with the heads of the opposing team by promising to flash the results of their latest paternity tests on the scoreboard.

JUSTIN: What’s more shocking (or not so shocking) is how they caught the Patriots. Jets coach and former Patriot defensive coordinator Eric Mangini KNEW that the Patriots routinely video taped the other teams signals. So Mangini simply sent an email to the right people and bam the Patriots are busted!

This is a pretty crappy thing to do.

HOG: I think it’s a pretty awesome thing to do.

1 – Why should the Patriots be allowed to cheat?

2 – Why are the Patriots so stupid as to continue using this technique when they know the other team’s coach is aware of it?

Let’s say that all of the top executives at McDonald’s know that McDonald’s secret sauce is actually heroin. Then the McDonald’s CEO quits to become CEO of Burger King. Don’t you think he will rat out McDonald’s?

NOTE: I have no idea if McDonald’s actually uses heroin in their secret sauce. But if they did, it would probably be healthier than whatever they use now.

NOTE TO HEROIN USERS: What are you doing reading my web site? Shouldn’t you be out shooting heroin and posing for magazine covers?

JUSTIN: It’s like if you and your buddy decided that you both liked the same girl, let’s call her Super Hottie for now, and you decided to compete for her.

So since your buddy is better looking than you and drives a much nicer car you decide to level the playing field by telling Super Hottie that your friend has been known to cheat on his past girlfriends! Even if you and all your friends know that it’s true it’s STILL NOT COOL for you ruin your buddy’s game, right? The lesson being NEVER trust Eric Mangini with your girlfriend!

HOG: A wise man once said, “All’s fair in Love and War.” A wiser man once said, “Never trust a big butt and a smile… that girl is poyyyyyyyyyy-zun!”

Sorry. Bell Biv Devoe flashback.

JUSTIN: So now fans of both teams have to be a little bit apprehensive when looking at their coaches because on one hand you’ve got a guy that’s willing to break the rules to win a game and on the other you’ve got a coach that’s willing to backstab his mentor in order to get an edge. Which guy would you want leading your team???

HOG: Hold on a minute. The Patriots coach is the one who is CHEATING! The Jets coach MUST report him or else he is not doing his job! You expect the Jets coach to ALLOW the other team to cheat against them?

Would you allow this in your personal life?

YOUR BEST FRIEND: I’m sha-boinking your wife.
YOU: I know.
YOU: Yeah. But you’re my best friend, so it’s okay that you totally broke my trust.

JUSTIN: Anyone touches my wife and there going to get introduced to Thunder and Lightning! Thunder is the right fist because he gets your attention and lightning is the left fist because he shocks you to death. I know that sounds corny but if you use your best Will Ferrell voice it sounds really cool.

JUSTIN: If the Patriots are found guilty they could lose multiple draft picks and possibly have to forfeit last week’s game. This is bullsh!t because what good would that do? Who wants a hollow victory handed to them because the other team cheated?

HOG: Um, me.

Hell yeah, I’ll take it! My Jets need all the help they can get! Screw the other team for cheating! Winning by forfeit is sweet! Back in my glory days of Little League we would hope and pray for the other team to be short a player so they had to forfeit! In fact, sometimes we put laxatives in their school lunches so they would miss the game.

JUSTIN: Why not replay the game in that situation and see who’s really the better team? Or better yet, let Mangini and Belichick settle in a battle to the death like Matthew Broderick and Jim Carrey in the Cable Guy!

HOG: Cheaters never win and winners never cheat!

NOTE: Except for Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Jose Canseco, Ken Caminiti, Joe Niekro, Albert Belle, President Bush…

JUSTIN: All in all, my biggest concern is that if teams are going to the trouble of video taping defensive signals what’s next? Player Spies? Boob Cameras on cheerleaders? How long before we have Football Watergate?

HOG: Dude, this is NOTHING. We’re about the find out that the NBA is fixed. A freakin’ referee was betting on games. You think he was the only one? You think organized crime wasn’t involved?

Boob cams on cheerleaders? How is that cheating? I suppose your wife might consider it cheating if she catches you watching that… but much like Paris Hilton’s vagina… that’s a big stretch.

the fonz

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How to Cheat Properly in the NFL.  Funny Rants, Dirty jokes + Twisted Humor.    
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