I'm in a sex slump.

It happens.

I'm like a baseball player in a hitting slump. At first, I was calm about it. Waiting for the right pitch. Got to 2nd base a few times. But no home runs. Then I start pressing.

Now I'm swinging at EVERYTHING. Girls who are over my head. Girls who are out of the strike zone. And yes, I admit it, I'm even swinging at girls in the dirt.

Normally, I trot down the base path... now I'm running top speed! I'm ready to slide in head first!

So I'm at the bar, having a few Jack & Cokes, talking to this girl. That's when I hear a strange sound.

It was a garbled kind of growl.

The sound was coming from inside my pants!

There it is again!

It's coming from inside my wallet!

It was my condom! My condom was talking to me.

MY CONDOM: Hey buddy! I'm dying here!
ME: Huh? What? How do you know?
MY CONDOM: Because I went to the doctor... No, you idiot! It says it on my packaging. I'm expiring! If you don't get some action soon, I'm going to buy you a high-class hooker!
ME: What? You can't buy anything! You're a condom!
MY CONDOM: I memorized your credit card.
ME: How did you do that?
MY CONDOM: I've been in your wallet so long, the numbers are imprinted on my face!

Damn you! Damn you, you sassy prophylactic!

So now my mission is to get laid before my condom expires.

*** MY DILEMMA ***

I actually have a girl who is interested in me. And I think we might like, do-it, and stuff.

Here's my quizzical coochie quandary:

If I get her into bed... do I use my generic about-to-expire condoms... or do I use my special ribbed-for-her-pleasure condoms which don't expire until early next century?

NOTE TO GUYS: Girls will know you are pathetic and haven't had sex in a while if, when you reach for your rubbers, you first have to blow the dust off your 3 pack of condoms.

NOTE TO SELF: Remember to dust my condoms.

Hmm... I really like this girl. I think she deserves the ribbed-for-her-pleasure condoms... but then again, I'm broke and bootleg and I don't want to waste condoms that I've already paid for.

If it was a one-night-stand thing, no question, I use the almost-expired jammy-jackets. But now I really have to think.

This is as romantic as I get. "Baby, for you, I'm using special protection that costs more than 75 cents. Because you're worth it."

I know what I'm going to do!

At first, I will use one of my generic condoms. Then I will make a pitching change! I'll call in the relief condom! The new texture will be like a hard throwing lefty coming into the game out of the bullpen! Okay baby, here comes the high hard one!

But first, I wanna try the backdoor slider. Tee-hee hee!

Professional Dating Advice videos and expert dating advice by award-winning comedian HogWild!