13 Common Myths of St. Patrick's Day:
Myth: Shamrocks are associated with the holiday because St. Patrick used
them as a teaching tool for the pagan Celts he converted to Christianity.
The Shamrock's 3 leaves symbolize the holy Trinity.
Reality: Shamrocks were just the first things Patrick saw when he
woke up face down in a field after a particularly bad bender.
Myth: Leprechauns are famous for their little Lucky Charms.
Reality: A man’s height is not a reliable indicator of the size of
his Lucky Charms.
Myth: "Luck of the Irish" refers to the abundance of Good Fortune long
enjoyed by the Irish.
Reality: Good Fortune has included 1,000 years of invasion,
colonization, exploitation, starvation and mass emigration. Then there was
the "Gangs of New York" and as a final insult: those Colin Farrell sex tapes
and the mere existence of Rosie O'Donnell.
Myth: Saint Patrick's name was Saint Patrick.
Reality: His real name was actually Maewyn Succat. He adopted Saint
Patrick as his stage name when he began touring Ireland as a magician famous
for his disappearing snake trick.
Myth: Kissing the Blarney Stone, located in County Cork, will grant you
the ability to speak sweetly and persuasively.
Reality: Imagine the bored teenagers growing up in County Cork. Now
can you not imagine that the Blarney Stone being the most pissed upon
tourist attraction in Europe?
Myth: St. Patrick's Day is a traditional holiday to celebrate great
friends and great food. The customary Irish family meal is a Quarter-pounder
with a large Coke and potato fries. St. Patrick: "I'm lovin' it!"
Reality: This Myth was sponsored by McDonalds.
Myth: The Irish are the world's most poetic people
Reality: Limericks are to Poetry, as Paris Hilton is to Acting. In
fact, the National Poet Laureate of Ireland has been named and it's...that
Man from Nantucket.
Myth: St. Patrick's Day is a lot of fun with parades and games and
Reality: It's not just an innocent holiday. Think about this: if you
rearrange the letters of SAINT PATRICK'S DAY... it spells out SATANIC KIDS
PARTY! This would explain the perverted behavior of the Catholic Church.
Myth: When St. Patrick died on March 17, 460 A.D., his jawbone was
preserved in a silver shrine and used to cure epilepsy, ease childbirth and
defend against "evil eye".
Reality: St. Patrick’s jawbone is indeed the “Swiss Army Knife” of
healing. While it may not exactly cure epilepsy, it has been shown to reduce
dandruff and fight tooth decay!
Myth: St Patrick cleansed the snakes out of Ireland by driving them into
Reality: That story is a 100% fiction. The truth is that St. Patrick
played his flute to lure all the rats out of the town and into the river.
Myth: Many young women think St. Patrick’s Day is a time to get drunk
and experiment by kissing another girl in public.
Reality: According to St. Patrick, your actions will have you
banished into a Lesbian Hell!
NOTE: Guys who make it into Heaven are allowed to
visit Lesbian Hell to watch.
Myth: Green is the official color of St. Patrick's Day because it's the
color of spring, shamrocks and fertility.
Reality: The official color is flashing red and blue as the officer
writes out your DUI.
Myth: The Irish are constantly inebriated.
Reality: That's an ugly falsehood. Most are far too impoverished to
purchase even the bargain whiskey they so desperately crave.