When I was 17 years old there was this awesome 3 Day Outdoor Summer Concert. I wanted to go so bad!

My parents, hearing my enthusiasm, thought "How can we crush his dreams?"

So they said I could go BUT... only if they came along.

Um, no thanks. I'd rather miss the Most Awesome Summer Concert Ever than go with my parents. My parents were about as cool as Tabasco sauce in a frying pan sitting on an erupting volcano... on the Sun. Plus my dad has a bad habit of taking off his shirt to reveal his mooters (Man Hooters.)

Story over, right? Nope! Now that I don't want to go, they force me to go. As a compromise, I can bring one friend. My buddy was so excited to join me at the Most Awesome Summer Concert Ever. Poor guy had no idea what he was in for. 3 Days and 2 Nights with my parents.

There was this girl, Christina. Super-cute. I had a mega-crazy crush on Christina. I was like, "Hey Christina, so uh, I'm going to the Most Awesome Summer Concert Ever."

NOTE: Yes, it was actually called the Most Awesome Summer Concert Ever (sponsored by Pepsi, Pizza Hut, and Stridex Acne Pads.)

CHRISTINA: Me, too! Who are you going with?
ME: Uh, no one. I mean, my friend Russ. Yeah, we're totally going ourselves.
CHRISTINA: I'm going with Jen. Maybe we'll run into you!
 

No way that could happen because 75,000 people were going to be there. But at least something good was happening.

1 - Christina and I would have this entire bonding thing when we got back. We could share stories about the concert.

2 - I looked cool because she thought I was going with my buddy and NOT with my lame-o parents.

MORNING OF THE CONCERT

My mom is packing us lunches. Everyone else with sandwich baggies full of drugs. I'm going to have a sandwich baggie full of... a sandwich. Ugh.

She made turkey sandwiches for me and my friend.

MOM: Do you want Mayo or Mustard on your sandwich?
ME: I don't care.
MOM: Mayo or Mustard?!!
ME: Whatever. You pick.
MOM: MAYO OR MUSTAAAAAAAARD?!!!!
 

Now, I'm used to my mom screaming her head off for no reason, but my friend Russ looks like he just saw paranormal activity.

MOM: Fine! I'll make both!

Then mom prepares for everything. She packs extra underwear. Canned food. Powdered milk. Aspirin. Band-aids. A compass. Candles. A bread-making machine.

The bread-making machine I understand, because we're Jewish. If we're forced to make an Exodus, we're not going through that Matzah ordeal again!

It was a 7 hour car ride. It was actually only 3 hours but my mom somehow crammed 7 hours of small talk into 3 hours.

The Most Awesome Summer Concert Ever lived up to its name. All the top bands were there: Puppy Blood Sacrifice, Gangstaz with Asthma, Death Angels of Murderous Death....

Russ and I are rockin' out in the sun when who do I bump into?

CHRISTINA: Oh my God! This is crazy! How are you?!!!
ME: (my voice cracks) Uh, okay.
 

Then I recover and ask smoothly,

ME: So uh, do you come around here often?

Dammit!

Then I hear the sound of the death bell tolling from about 15 feet away.

MOM: Do you want your sandwich?!!! Mayo or Mustard?!!!
ME: I don't care.
MOM: Mayo or Mustard?!!!!
ME: Either one, really!
MOM: MAYO OR MUSTAAAAAAAAARRD!!!!
 

Christina is horrified.

And then...

CHRISTINA: Oh my God! Is that your Dad up on the Jumbtron Video Screen with his shirt off?

Of course.

My face is so hot that I actually begin to feel it melt off my skull. And just before Christina walks away she can hear my mom yelling at me, "You should put on fresh underwear! Take off your underwear!!!"

What else can happen to me?

That's when it starts to rain. Hard. Non-stop for 2 days. My mom brought EVERYTHING... except an umbrella. Or tent. So we spent the rest of the Most Awesome Summer Concert Ever sleeping on slippery muddy campgrounds surrounded by canned food, powdered milk, and a bread-making machine.