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Q 65. Hi Hog,

I dated this guy for about 2 months. Everything was perfect... (it always is) then all of a sudden I didn't hear from him for a couple days.

He finally emails me (uh oh. email. not good.) and tells me that he is sorry that he hadn't contacted me, but he just didn't know what to say.

This girl he always had a crush on (i.e. she has big hooters), but never had the opportunity to date called him out of the blue and needed a friend to talk to because she was going through a divorce.

He said he wanted to hang out with her, and be a friend to her... but he
also needed to go to see what would happen, or he would always wonder
(what the sex would be like.) He hadn't seen her in 7 years. Then he says, maybe he just needs space for a couple weeks, and he hopes I keep the option open that we can still be a couple, if he calls me in 2 weeks crying, telling me that I'm the one he wants to be with....

I have been dating since... but I'm still hurt. If he should call, what
should I do?
Give him another chance or tell him to hit the road?

- Rlajka

HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day

Don't tell him to hit the road! HIT him in the road! RUN OVER him in
the road. Like a flattened skunk.

Wow. This nub has big hairy balls. In a big hairy nutshell, he's saying
this to you: "You are Plan B. Please hold while I attempt Plan A."

He is following the words of the Prophet Weird Al Yankovic. He sang in
his sacred psalm:

You're pretty close to what I've always hoped for
That's why my love for you is fairly strong
And I swear I'm never gonna leave you, darlin'
At least 'til something better comes along

Nice. His job is to make you feel like the most special girl in the
world. Now he has made you feel like they were out of the Kung Pao at
Poo Tang's Restaurant, and so fine, he'll settle for the Chicken with
Vegetables. No! You must never taste his egg roll again! Tell him to take that sweet-and-sour SHRIMP between his thighs and give it to that stupid girl he wants so bad. Personally, I hope she's got an MSG.


Listen, YOU are fine dining. He wants take-out. Don't give him your
delicious fortune cookie.

SIDE NOTE: How cool would it be if a girl's hoo-ha REALLY was a Fortune
Cookie?! Right when you crack her open, a little slip of paper comes out
telling you your lucky numbers! And it could be great for safety, like if your vagina fortune reads: "You will soon be very itchy in your crotch."

Anyway, you guys were only dating for 2 months. After 3 months, things
go to the next level. Less than 3 months is still a "fling." After 3
months, if you decide to stay together, you're signaling that this MAY
lead to something serious. Or it's great sex.

NOTE TO NUBS: You're thinking, ah, I'll be smarter than Rlajka's boyfriend. I'll KEEP IT A SECRET that I'm chasing my 1st choice chick.
This only works if you GET the 1st choice chick. Because if you fail and are "back" with the Plan B bim (even though you never really left) YOU will know she is your 2nd choice. So you will feel empty and unhappy. So empty and unhappy when you are squeezing her squeeze 'ums. So empty... and unhappy.

Rlajka, in all seriousness, don't let him squeeze your wonderfully wobbly
Won Tons.

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Q66:  Hi Hog... I'm a woman who was in relationship with another woman for 3 years, and we just broke up because she is not out (she has very Catholic parents).

She says that she is in love with me but does not have the strength to come out. How can I help her see that she can't go through life making everyone else happy and not herself?

- Farah from South Carolina

HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day

You can't. That's her decision.

If it's more important to her to maintain her parents' illusion than to be with you, then that is her choice. A dumb choice. But still a choice.

Maybe you can help her have it both ways. (So to speak.)

You can go old-school 1940's Hollywood-style. Let her marry some gay dude who needs her for show. Like some high profile businessman who doesn't want his gayness to be known. And for her parents' sake, she gets to pretend that she is married. But every night she sneaks away to see you in Tuna Town.

Three years? That's a long time! Do her parents know that you exist? Do they accept that you are her friend? If not, that makes it more difficult since she is close to her family.

They are going to want her to have children. And (being that I used to be a fertilization expert) I know that 95% of all dildos do not ejaculate sperm. So you will have to buy some spermies. If you do, may I suggest the celebrity route? Go with Kevin Federline. His work very well.

I say you two should run away and elope in a romantic place where gay marriage is legal -- like Honolulu, Hawaii. Or Worcester, Massachusetts.

Your girlfriend is ashamed to be who she is. She should be tell her parents with confidence,
"I munch carpet and I am proud of it! Penises are yucky!"

The best time to do this would be after Thanksgiving dinner. Because things can get dull after dinner.

As hard as it sounds, if this woman can not give you what you need, you will have to find a stronger lesbianiac woman. Try the local ladies softball and bowling leagues.

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