♥ Dating Advice: What to do when you discover a deal-breaker with your partner (And how to get them to change). Expert Dating Advice
by me, HogWild
B in Toronto writes...
You really know what you are talking about and your dating advice is always very helpful. I've learned so much from you.
(Aw, thank you!)
I've been dating a guy for almost 7 months now, and I really like him, things are going great. But I found out something about him which is a big deal-breaker for me. He has smoked weed several times and may still do it.
This guy told me he has never done any drugs. But a few months later he shared with me that he has smoked weed several times and didn't tell me before because he didn't think it was a big deal.
After I told him how I felt about this, he replied not to worry because he will "probably" not do it again. I was too upset to talk more about it.
I am worried though. He has done it in social environments only, with his friends and without my presence. I can tell that he liked it by the way he was describing the experience from the drug, so I feel that he might do it again.
He lied to me once, so who knows if he won't again?
I need to talk to him to find out more about this issue. But how should I bring up this topic? I need to find a way to convince him to not smoke weed again and show him how much it bothers me.
I want to make it clear to him that if I find out he has done drugs again then it will be over between us.
- B in Toronto
YOU: It's either me or the sticky-icky!
HIM: <giggling and high>
YOU: Which do you want more: my love or marijuana?
HIM: ..... a sandwich! Or cookies! Oh cookies!
Do you think this is a phase with him? Or is it a lifestyle?
YOUR BOYFRIEND: Babe, it's just a phase. I'll grow out of it. Grow out of it. Grow it! Yeah, I'll grow it! That way I'm not buying illegal drugs, I'm just growing them!
It's not just about smoking marijuana. It's a SYMBOL to you. What does his behavior REPRESENT to you?
Ask yourself, What if marijuana was legal where you live? Would you still be upset? What if the behavior you deem dangerous or irresponsible wasn't marijuana smoking but that he drives recklessly?
Does that change things?
Or if his "bad" behavior was that he runs with scissors! Or that he eats vegetables without first rinsing them! He doesn't rinse his vegetables!!!
Basically, are you SURE this should be a deal-breaker?
If yes, are you prepared to lose him over this? Because there is a good chance you will.
And that's OK. YOU must decide what world you want to live in.
YOU: My world will have a beautiful blue sky with cumulus clouds. NOT cannabis clouds!
Remember, you are telling him how to live. Not everyone responds well to that.
What if YOU do something that he really dislikes? You think this activity is fine and "not a big deal" but he is really upset about it. Would you immediately stop because he threatens to leave you?
HIM: Listen, we need to talk. I'm really upset about your habit of eating sugary breakfast cereal. Either the cereal goes or I go.
YOU: But, but, why?
HIM: Sugar rots your teeth and it's not healthy to eat especially in the morning. I would prefer if you switched to granola-BRAN-twigs.
HIM: You need to get off the SMACKS!
YOU: Just one more spoonful to get me through the day!
I had a similar situation that involved a girlfriend smoking cigarettes and I was able to get "my way" because "my way" was also "her way"... once I got her to think about it in a NEW way.
Here is what I said,
"Sweetheart, I love you. And as you know I really don't like your smoking. I know you only do it in social situations and you can do whatever you want but it's so unhealthy that it keeps me from feeling closer to you. Because I love you so much I couldn’t bear to see you get sick from this.
"I love you as my girl, but I couldn’t imagine the mother of my children smoking. And I WANT to imagine our future together. It's of course, your decision to do what you want and I would be so incredibly proud of you if you decided to quit.
"Besides, it doesn’t make sense with the rest of you. Smoking is such a trashy habit and you're not trashy at all. You're classy and elegant. I don't like seeing you smoking because I find it very unattractive. OK, I said my piece. Let's hug!"
OK, so why did that work? There are 5 reasons that anyone can apply to their situation...
This is taken from my Premium Members section where I post my new videos.
Here are some more tips, but only Premium Members get the entire video + access to over 250 full dating and relationship videos in the Video Vault!
- Don't issue an immediate ultimatum or else you will put him in a corner where he will pick his wacky weed over you or he will hide it from you. Then you become like his mom. Not sexy.
- When you guys are in a GOOD mood together and all huggy-cuddly, here is exactly what to say...
Only Premium Members have access to this Video!
2 - You realize Life is Short, get the relationship you deserve and Join Now!
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♥ Dating Advice: What to do when you discover a deal-breaker with your partner (And how to get them to change)Expert Dating Advice