JUSTIN: The second half of the season is finally here and I have decided to make some bold predictions about how the playoffs will unfold and who will be crowned the champions of the world!
NL East - Who wants to win this division really? As of late it seems that the Mets have found new motivation from interim manager Jerry Manuel and have put together 10 straight wins. Unfortunately their pitching staff is old and falling apart faster than a Hyundai with 200,000 miles on it.
HOG: Yeah! Their pitching staff is old and falling apart faster than Pamela Anderson!
HOG: Dude, their pitching is just fine. Four of their starters are in the prime and 1 is a broken-down future Hall of Famer. Not too bad. Sure the Mets' closer is old but he’s still better than most of the crappy closers out there. The problem with the Mets is not talent. It’s heart. Now it seems like they really want it. They’re battling late in games. I think they sense that they can win because their division is weaker than Rafael Palmeiro’s un-medicated erection.
NOTE TO DUDES WITH BONER ISSUES: No offense. Just that Rafael Palmeiro deserves to be grilled because of his blatant steroids lie. Maybe if he wasn’t injecting HIMSELF, he’d be able to inject his girl.
JUSTIN: The Marlins started the year out red hot but with a $16 payroll I just don’t think they have the talent to win it all. So I’m going with the Phillies, they’ve got better pitching than the rest of the division and if Rollins, Utley and Howard can stay healthy they should outlast the Mets.
HOG: The Mets will exact revenge for last year’s collapse to the Phillies by overtaking them this year! You want a prediction? Just like last year, it will come to the last day of the season. The Mets will win on a disputed play at the plate! The benches will empty and there’ll be a huge brawl! Big Carlos Delgado vs Big Ryan Howard. Jose Reyes vs. Jimmy “Trash Talk” Rollins. Pedro Martinez vs. the Phillies most elderly coach! And the Mr. Met Mascot will take-down the Philly Phanatic!
JUSTIN: Well I'm glad that I'm not the only one that's delusional about my favorite team.
NL West - You know a division sucks when you don’t even have to win half your games to win the division. Things are so bad that the division leading Diamondbacks would be no better than fourth in any other NL division so not only am I predicting that they'll win the NL West pennant I'm also predicting a first round ass kicking to whoever’s lucky enough to play them in the playoffs.
HOG: The entire NL West should be disqualified for sucking. There should be a rule that if the winner of the Division does not even have a .500 record, then they may not enter the playoffs and instead must enter community college to learn a new job.
JUSTIN: NL Central - The Brewers will probably take the wild card but the people of Chicago should prepare themselves for the inevitable Cubs bandwagon party come October. These lovable losers have managed to find a way not to win since the early 1900s which means people will be falling all over themselves when the Cubbies are representing the National League in the Fall Classic. That's right not only is this stacked Cubs team going to win the NL Central but I'm predicting that they're going to go all the way to the series unless Steve Bartman has anything to do with it.
HOG: If the Cubs win, whichever Cub wins the MVP of the World Series will join the Chicago pantheon of Sports Heroes:
JUSTIN: AL West - Well let’s get it out of the way, I love the Rangers but even with the best offense in baseball I just don’t think their worthless ass pitching can get them to the playoffs. It HURTS!
As for the rest of the west, the Mariners decided to takeover the role of the biggest disappointments in baseball while the A’s sold off most of their pitching staff in a trade deadline fire sale. Which leaves the Angels -- they’ve got a lights out closer in Rodriguez (not the one banging Madonna), a great pitching staff and a youthful lineup that’s really starting to come together. I hate them.
HOG: Whoa. That’s confusing about the Rodriguezes. Because according to the tabloids, I heard that they are BOTH lights out closers! HA HA! No way A-Rod hit a Grandma Slam with Madonna with the lights ON! Heck no! That was a night game, baby!
JUSTIN: There's more room in her dugout than the entire outfield at Yankee Stadium. In fact there's probably a sign in there somewhere that says 415 ft.
AL East - Let me say it right now, the Yankees are toast and will not even make the playoffs this year leading to disappointed New York fans shaving their mustaches and burning their gold thongs in protest. I do not think that the Rays will be able to maintain their red hot first half which leaves us a bunch of douche bags from Boston. Sorry Oriole fans but your team hasn’t been a factor since Jim Palmer was playing!
HOG: You might be right. Or... The Yankees make the Wild Card. It’s tough to rule them out since they’ve made it to the Playoffs every year since the election of Abe Lincoln.
JUSTIN: AL Central - Look out, look out, it’s the return of Ozzie Guillen the loud mouth manager that led the White Sox to their last world championship. The White Sox started out the season red hot and have somehow managed to stay ahead of the rest of the AL Central. Even with the Twins breathing down their throat I still think that White Sox will hold them off and win not only the AL Central Pennant but the American League Pennant also!
That’s right I’m predicting that this will be the year for the first ever White Sox vs. Cubs World Series. Of course I could be wrong but then again this is a humor column so what do you want from me?
HOG: What do I want from you? How about another “The Giants Rule & The Cowboys Suck” Dance? HA HA! But until then I’ll take the glory when two NY teams make the playoffs while the two Texas teams sit at home.
JUSTIN: Don't hold your breath on that one!
HOG: The reason I'm holding my breath is so I don't inhale the STINK of your crappy ass teams!
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