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HogWild's Exclusive Interview with Britney Spears' Vagina

HOG: Hello, this is HogWild -- comedian, lover of chicken wings, and investigative reporter. Tonight I'm here with a very special guest. This will be her very first interview with the press.

You've seen her in magazines and in photographs published all around the world wide web. Yes tonight, I am honored to be here with Britney Spears' Vagina.

BSV: I'm excited to be here.

HOG: Thank you for agreeing to talk with me tonight in this back alley behind a popular dance club in West Hollywood.

BSV: It's my pleasure. I figured Britney...

HOG: Your host body...

BSV: Yes, I figured she would be passed out here tonight anyway.

HOG: Well the first thing I'd like to say is that contrary to what many have said, I find you to be pleasant and you do not smell at all like rancid goat milk.

BSV: Yes, I would like to use this opportunity to correct a lot of the misconceptions about me.

HOG: You are also smaller than you look on camera.

BSV: Well you know what they say, the camera makes you look wider.

HOG: Tell us Britney Spears' Vagina, why was it that you were out of the spotlight at the start of Britney's career but now you have, well, blossomed into the limelight.

BSV: This is my time to shine. I have always been the one behind-the-scenes pushing her career forward. A lot of people claim that Britney's brains are up her ass. I'm here to tell those people, that is NOT true. Britney's brains are with me.

HOG: So you are the brains of the operation.

BSV: Britney would be nothing without me! Many people don't realize this, but I wrote all of the songs on her new album.

HOG: That explains a lot. Talk to me about Kevin Federline.

BSV: The music studio isn't the only place where Kevin Federline doesn't know what he's doing.

HOG: Well he knew enough to impregnate you. Twice.

BSV: Yes because he has no stamina. He suffers from immature ejaculation.

HOG: I think you mean premature ejaculation.

BSV: No. I know what I said.

HOG: Does Britney love her children?

BSV: She's not ready to be a mother. I did everything I could before they were conceived. I tried to belch them out. But it was too late. Britney does love her children. But she also loves Starbucks, manicures,
and yarn. She loves lots of things.

HOG: Do you and Britney get along?

BSV: She has a way of pushing my buttons.

HOG: It seems you feel like you're not getting the respect you deserve. Does she introduce you around town?

BSV: I've been all around town. But all I meet are dickheads, dildos, hairy knuckle types, and nuts. I'm tired of being toyed with. I don't need any more lip service.

HOG: What's next for Britney Spears' Vagina?

BSV: I am releasing my first solo album in June.

HOG: Wow!

BSV: Opera.

HOG: Incredible. Will you do duets?

BSV: I'm famous for my duets, trios, and my participation in quartets.

HOG: Will you be working with anyone we know?

BSV: I already have a relationship with the producer Timbaland. On his last album that was me beat boxing the bass lines.

HOG: Wow! Your lips have amazing talent!

BSV: Aw, thank you. You're making me gush!

HOG: You mean, blush?

BSV: No. I know what I said.

HOG: Some said that when Britney shaved her head it was your influence.

BSV: Sure, it was my hair style first. Who knows? Maybe I'm rubbing off on her. Why not? She's been rubbing off on me for years.

HOG: What does Britney Spears Vagina do to relax?

BSV: Believe it or not, I used to be very uptight. Now I feel really loose. I'm comfortable with who I am. I enjoy hanging out. Sometimes I'll just lay around sipping a movie while taking in a bottle of wine.

HOG: I think you meant that the other way around?

BSV: No. I know what I said.

HOG: Britney tried her hand at acting, are you open to movies?

BSV: I'm always open. And I've been in a few movies already. But I'm not allowed to discuss them due to a court-order.

HOG: Finally, I'd like to give you a chance to talk to all the people who blame you for ruining Britney's image with the public.

BSV: People are looking for a scapegoat... and I'm tired of being fingered!

HOG: Were you inspired to step out of the background thanks to Britney Spears' Nipples?

BSV: Certainly. BSN was like the American Revolution to my French Revolution. But ultimately Britney's Nipples lack the necessary intelligence. I mean, c'mon, they're boobs.

HOG: Any last words for your detractors?

BSV: Eat me.