Welcome to HogWild's Television Awards! Hosted by me, HogWild

 

 

 

 

 

with my co-host Britney Spears!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BRITNEY: Our first category is for a show where it's good to be bad. It's the Best Show Featuring Convicts, Criminals, and Outlaws!

Talk about arresting television!

HOG: You're hurting my brain.

BRITNEY: And like, the Nominees are:

Prison Break
Law & Order
America's Most Wanted

HOG: And the winner for Best Show Featuring Convicts, Criminals and Outlaws is...

NFL Primetime!

BRITNEY: Huh? I don't get it, y'all. But I do like the NFL. They treat that football like I treat my baby! They protect it and hold it close. And when they get tired of it, they hand it off to someone else.

AUDIENCE: <Applause!>

HOG: Britney?

BRITNEY: Yes, Hog?

HOG: You are the worst mother of all-time. I wouldn't be surprised if you used a newspaper for a diaper. Actually, yes I would. Because I'd be shocked if you had a newspaper.

AUDIENCE: <Applause!>
 

BRITNEY: Whatever, y'all! Our next award is, uh, awarded, to the Best Show featuring simple jokes, playful music, special guests and a character who is a "grouch"... And the Award goes to... The Late Show with David Letterman!

AUDIENCE: <Applause!>

HOG: David Letterman couldn't be here to accept his award. For his acceptance speech -- like his performance on his show -- he mailed it in.

BRITNEY: I love David Letterman! I think I showed him my "Yummy Palace" once.

HOG: Britney, your "Yummy Palace" should be closed by the Board of Health.

AUDIENCE: <Applause!>

BRITNEY: Whatever, y'all!

Our next category is  "Best Fictional Show based on True Stories"

We have 2 nominees: Law & Order and CSI: Miami.

HOG: And the winner is...

FOX NEWS!

BRITNEY: I don't get it, y'all! I like FOX NEWS! I always tune-in to find out the latest News about Foxes. We need to protect our wildlife, y'all. Stop global warming! Everybody face your air conditioners to the outside!

HOG: I think someone literally kept their promise when they said they would f*ck your brains out.

BRITNEY: Our next statue goes to the "Most Annoying B!tch on Television." The nominees are

- Tyra Banks
- Paula Abdul
- Teri Hatcher

HOG: And the winner is...

Ryan Seacrest!

AUDIENCE: <Applause!>

BRITNEY: Now for a fun category. The Best Show featuring Men who May or May Not be the Father of a New Unplanned Baby.

We have just nominee in this category... The Maury Povich Show.

HOG: And the winner of Best Show featuring Men who May or May Not be the Father of a New Unplanned Baby is...

The NBA Game of the Week!

AUDIENCE: <Applause!>

BRITNEY: I don't get it, y'all!

AUDIENCE: <Applause!>

BRITNEY: Don't clap for that! I really don't understand!

AUDIENCE: <Applause!>

BRITNEY: Quit it! Do you idiots just applaud for anything?

AUDIENCE: <Applause!>

BRITNEY: Ugh, whatever, y'all! The next category is for the World's Best Show Currently on the Air

HOG: And the Winner is...

The Simpsons!

BRITNEY: I love the Simpsons! Compared to Jessica, I look like Albert Einstein.

HOG: You know who Albert Einstein is?

BRITNEY: Duh! Of course! He's the guy who invented light!

HOG: What?!

BRITNEY: Remember? E = MC Hammer... hellooooo?!

HOG: Britney, you have the intelligence of a fresh head of lettuce.

AUDIENCE: <Applause!>

BRITNEY: Ugh, whatever, y'all!
 

HOG: Now it's time for the Best TV Show featuring 2-dimensional cartoon characters...
The nominees are: South Park, King of the Hill, and The Simpsons...

BRITNEY: And the winner of "Best TV Show featuring 2-dimensional characters" is for the politicians on "Meet the Press"

 AUDIENCE: <Applause!>

BRITNEY: I don't get it, y'all. What's "Meet the Press"? What are they pressing?

HOG: Our next award goes to a very special type of television program. Watching this very popular show will make you realize just how stupid the average American really is...

BRITNEY: And our only Nominee is... "Are You Smarter Than a 5th grader?"

HOG: And the winner is...

According to Jim!

BRITNEY: Huh? I don't get it, y'all. Who's Jim? Did I hump him?

AUDIENCE: <Applause!>

HOG: Not yet.

AUDIENCE: <Applause!>
 

BRITNEY: Ugh, whatever, y'all! Okay, Best TV Show in the Category of "Is the Prize Really Worth the
Humiliation?"

The nominees are:
Are You Smarter Than a 5th grader?
and
America's Funniest Home Videos
 

HOG: And the winner is...

The Flavor of Love!

AUDIENCE: <Applause!>

BRITNEY: Did you know that Flava Flav has 7 children by different women? Why is Flava Flav famous? I guess he was sort of a rapper, but not really. What he's best at is being stupid and making babies.

HOG: He sounds like your ex-husband Kevin Federline.

BRITNEY: You're right! I'm leaving!

HOG: Where are you going?!

BRITNEY: I'm applying to be on The Flavor of Love! Flava Flav is my soul mate! I want to marry him!

HOG: Well, that's our show! Now that Britney's gone, the Boob has left the Tube! Thank you for watching! We'll be back next year to recognize more of America's most mediocre content! Good night!

AUDIENCE: <Applause!>

BACKSTAGE...

BRITNEY: Oh, your Flavor is so big!

FLAVA FLAV: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah Boy!