Hog's mom does NOT approve of this article.

My pen!s has leadership abilities. Where it points, I follow. Even if I KNOW I shouldn't, I always listen to my pen!s. It's very convincing.

My pen!s is not very talkative. I'd say it's the strong, silent type.

So I got to thinking, with my pen!s having all this leadership ability, what if my pen!s ran for President of the United States of America!

It wouldn't be the first time we had a d!ck-head in charge!

If my pen!s ran for President, I think it's campaign speech would go something like this:

MY PEN!S: My fellow Americans, if elected as your next Commander in Chief, I promise to go Commando in Chief! America, I'll give it to you straight. Because I don't like to beat around the bush!

REPORTER: If necessary, will you ever stage an invasion? And if so, how long will we be committed?

MY PEN!S: I can tell you this: if I invade it will be in and out! In and out! Check my track record. Believe me, it will be quick.

REPORTER: And how will you deal with threats to National Security?

MY PEN!S: I tend to shoot first and ask questions later. Then fall asleep.

REPORTER: Your fiscal policy?

MY PEN!S: Spend!

REPORTER: On domestic programs or abroad?

MY PEN!S: A broad! Spend on a broad and one day she may become VERY domestic.

REPORTER: What do you plan to do about rising unemployment?

MY PEN!S: I may not be employed, but at least I am rising! I rise every morning to look for something to get into.

REPORTER: And finally, what are your feelings on the environment?

MY PEN!S: I love it!

REPORTER: So you're against offshore drilling?

MY PEN!S: Oh no. I love drilling.

REPORTER: That seems contradictory. What about species like the spotted owl?

MY PEN!S: I love those little hooters!

REPORTER: So you want to save them?

MY PEN!S: Save them. Squeeze them. Cuddle them.

REPORTER: You are really passionate about them!

MY PEN!S: Sure. I'd have them for my own if I could.

REPORTER: And you seem to have 2 close advisors who are always hanging around. Why is that?

MY PEN!S: They're just nuts about me!