mom does NOT approve of this article.
Halloween experience doesn't involve candy corn or a Haunted Hay ride...
well, in a way it WAS a haunted roll-in-the-hay ride.
Say "Ooooh" is a spooky way.
Okay. Cool. I went
back in time... And had a roll in the hay with an ex-girlfriend.
We agreed this would be the last time we would ever have sex.
(I mean, together. Of course I've had sex since
then! I mean, I've attempted, I mean, ya know, HEY! Leave me alone!)
She was wearing this Naughty School Girl outfit. Normally, I
don't care for this TGF (Typical Guy
Fantasy.) I'd much rather see the Naughty Nurse
or the Naughty Secretary or the Naughty Teacher or the
Naughty Director of Client IT Services... but she was looking
"Hi, Hog! I am your Naughty Nurse.
Let's start with the fantasy that you have Health Insurance."
Her legs looking
legarrific in heels...
NOTE TO WOMEN: High
heels are like magic. One minute you're short and your ass is flat
then... TADA! You have long, toned legs and your ass is sticking out
like a rabbit's about to pop out of it.
NOTE TO MYSELF: What the hell did that mean?
So yeah, her bootylicious booty was tantalizing me from under her
short skirt... her white top unbuttoned...
Okay, I'm back. Had to shower.
Okay, so because this was our official LTE
(Last Time Ever), she pulled out all the stops.
NOTE: No. We did not have butt-sex. I'm not really
a butt-sex type of guy. Though I always request it, just to see if it's
on the menu. You can tell a lot about a restaurant by its wine list and
its sexual options. Plus, I feel special by ordering things not
available to other patrons.
So we're goin' at it. Doggie-style. Monkey-style. Shaolin-style.
She went bobbing for my candy apples.
She took a ride on my witch's broom.
I stirred her cauldron.
She egged my house.
It was phenomenal. My Halloweenie was very happy.
There was only 1 thing missing.
This girl would let me shoot my Twinkie Filling on her pumpkins,
on her Haunted House, in her Hay Ride, but NEVER on
NOTE: I ran out of stupid sexual Halloween
We went out for 6 months and she'd NEVER let me do it. I loved
this girl. I treated her well. We had a good time together. This is
the conversation I'd have with her about it.
ME: I want to c*m on your face.
HER: Um, no. This isn't a p*rno.
ME: Well, it should be!
HER: If this was a p*rno, you wouldn't even qualify to be in it.
ME: Damn it! You're right.
ME: I want to drizzle on your chinizzle.
HER: No, I think it's degrading.
ME: What?! You c*m on MY face all the time! Whenever I go down on
you, your juices get all over me!
HER: That's different.
ME: How is that?
HER: Because you're disgusting.
ME: Damn it! You're right.
The point here is... girls, if you really love your man and want
to keep him, do all that niZasty stuff in bed that he wants. If
you have love and he takes care of you, take care of him in the
bedroom. These wacky things are not that big of a deal. Live out
each other's p*rverted fantasies. Have fun. Let him bang
NOTE: Just kidding about that last part.
NOTE: Unless she's really hot.
So anyway, for the entire relationship I had been plotting. Like an
evil genius, I had been scheming on how I would "accidentally"
shoot my hot mayonnaise on her face.
I needed to make it look like an accident or she would get mad. So I
started training like an Olympic athlete to shoot farther than I
ever had before. I worked on my aim. I worked on my trajectory. I was
drinking raw eggs, doing pelvic thrusts, jumping jacks, and training
myself to withhold my org@sm by picturing Fabio doing
pelvic thrusts and jumping jacks.
This LTE was my last chance to accomplish my dream. This was my
Olympic moment of glory.
I had to lose myself in the music, the moment... everything else faded
away... the sounds of the bed squeaking, her roommate yapping on the
phone, the radio, her moans of semi-pleasure... I was totally
focused on my goal.
I was to pull it out
and aim for the U.N. sanctioned "Safe Zone" extending from the Pubic
Region to the upper Stomach Region and then..."accidentally" misfire my
love artillery into the Forbidden Zone of her face.
NOTE: Dear retard
guys, that is obviously NOT a pic of my ex-girlfriend so stop emailing
me asking for her phone number.
I double pumped my
shotgun... YES YES YES!
That's when something unexpected happened. Something... maybe it
was a spring popping in the bed, or my pointy elbow in her ribs that
made her jerk her body up, knocking my love gun off kilter....
It all happened in slow motion... I could hear the computer in my
brain shouting "ABORT! ABORT!!" But it was too late.
I was hit by friendly fire. I shot myself in the cheek.
HER: HA HA HA HA!
ME (sarcastically): HA HA HA HA!
HER: HA HA HA HA HA!
ME (super-sarcastically): HA HA HA HA!!
HER: HA HA HA HA!!
ME: Let's cuddle.
Then I hugged her face. Cheek to sticky cheek.
So I guess in some sort of Halloween Deal-with-the-Devil way, I did get
what I wanted. My Oreo cream did get on her face. Not the way I or Fabio
planned it. But still.
It was a Halloween to remember. I got tricked. But I also got my treat.
Who says you can't have the icing on the cake and eat it, too? I mean, I
"I looooove to shoot myself in the face because I am
in looooooove with my own loooooove milk. And I am g@y."