Hog's mom does NOT approve of this article.

In case you don't know what a horoscope is, it's a prediction of your future based on your astrological sign. Your astrological sign depends upon the date of your birth. Horoscopes are widely recognized as being 100% accurate. What happens to you depends solely upon your Zodiac sign. Your DNA, hormones, upbringing, brainwaves, education, values, ethics and personal choices are irrelevant.

Being a certified horoscopologist, I, HogWild present you with your special HogWild Halloween HORRORscope...

* If your birthday is during the week of Halloween...

Happy Birthday!

And Happy Deathday! Mwu-HA HA HA!

You will celebrate your birth by re-living it... expect to be trapped in a tiny, dark, hot 100 degree room full of fluid. For 9 months. Then suddenly the walls collapse around you and squeeze you out! Except this time, instead of cutting the umbilical cord, the doctor chokes you with it!

For everyone else:

* Aries (March 21 - April 20) and Taurus (April 21 - May 21)

You will soon come into a good deal of money. Spend it wisely. Or not. Doesn't matter. Because you're about to be skinned alive by flesh-eating zombies.

* Gemini (May 22 - June 21) and Cancer (June 22 - July 22) and Leo (July 23 -August 21)

You will have good luck in romance. In fact, you will get a love bite on your neck that will drain your soul and turn you into a vampire... or CEO of a credit card company. Same difference.

* Virgo (August 22 - September 23) and Libra (September 24 - October 23)

Guys: You will have no more worries about losing your hair. Especially when it's a full moon. Owwwww!

Ladies: Shaving your legs is gonna be a b!tch.

* Scorpio (October 24 - November 22) and Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22) and Capricorn (December 23 - January 20)

Today you will enjoy a nice long nap. In dirt. Forever.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19) and Pisces (February 20- March 20)

You will meet the person of your dreams. Your bad dreams. That person will chase you as your run n@ked through your high school. Then your teeth will fall out of your head. You turn around to see who is chasing you... it's Mark Linn-Baker! The evil man who played Cousin Larry on the hit 1980s sitcom Perfect Strangers!