mom does NOT approve of this article.
I'm a guy. I
love boobies. I love chicken wings. So you would think
that my favorite restaurant would be Hooters. But you
would be wrong.
It's a classic case of theory vs. real-life execution. I don't know what
happened, but Hooters sucks now.
I went to Hooters in New York City. The talent was awful. It
must've been Open Mic Night. They let ANYBODY be a waitress now!
The point of Hooters is to see... Hooters!!!
I swear, the host was a dude. A G@y Dude. This isn't Pooters.
It's Hooters! I want a refund!
What the fRick! A g@y dude? Seriously? At Hooters?
NOTE TO G@Y GUYS: I still love you. But just
imagine you go to your favorite g@y dance club and instead of all the
bartenders being hot dudes, they were chicks with big soft yucky
Our waitress didn't even have hooters. Again, there's nothing wrong with
small-boobied women. I've dated them, loved them, cuddled them. But when
I go to HOOTERS, I expect... I don't know... HOOTERS!!!
It's like if you went into the Häagen-Dazs store and they replaced all
the ice cream with broccoli. You'd be like, "Hey! I came here
for 2 generous scoops of soft white vanilla! And where are my 2
chocolate scoops that I love to lick? Aaaah!"
It's not as if Hooters has great food or great service or clean
silverware. The ONLY redeeming quality of this
crappy-excuse-for-an-overpriced-restaurant are the women with
I'm sure at one point, Hooters must've hired women with Hooters. Because
how in the hell did the place get so popular?
But then there must've been a bad decision by the Hooters Board
HOOTERS CEO: Thank you for attending this emergency board
meeting. HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!
HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!
I've been looking at the bottom line, and gentlemen... Hooters is
VP OF HOOTERS:
Hooters is sagging!
And nothing is worse than saggy Hooters. We need to show growth.
VP OF HOOTERS:
Hooters needs to get bigger!
We need to show the shareholders our assets.
VP OF HOOTERS:
Nobody likes to see aging Hooters!
We need to transform our beloved Hooters. Hooters will go from a place
where not just guys love to stick their heads in -- but entire families
should be cozying up in Hooters.
YOUNG HOOTER: Um, sir, but won't this upset our core customer
base of horny young men? This group doesn't like anyone to mess with
HOOTERS CEO: It's time for a new kinder, gentler Hooters. I
envisioning Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, Friends, even Grandparents squeezing
YOUNG HOOTER: These are very different groups. You're asking
Hooters to juggle?
HOOTERS CEO: I've thought about it... and this is for the
And that is why Hooters sucks.
I remember back-in-da-day when I went to college in Cleveland, we
had a Fraternity event at Hooters for Rushees. We had to apologize
to the rushees for the poor quality of hooters. In Cleveland, we
were ashamed of our Hooters.
I know Hooters USED to be quality because my dad used to have a
Hooters V.I.P. card. I'm not sure if that's super-sad or super-cool. But
I know today, he wouldn't be caught super-dead inside a crappy
Now here in New York, there is a much better place to go for
beautiful squeeze 'ums and overpriced food... The Hawaiian Tropic
The food is actually pretty good. And the place attempts to be upscale
by having lighting effects, music, and napkins.
And the girls don't wear goofy orange shorts. They're all wearing
bikinis! Woo-hoo! What I'm saying is, if I'm going to pay
$22 for a hamburger, at the very least I want it to come with a side