Hog's mom does NOT approve of this article.

I'm a guy. I love boobies. I love chicken wings. So you would think that my favorite restaurant would be Hooters. But you would be wrong.

It's a classic case of theory vs. real-life execution. I don't know what happened, but Hooters sucks now.

I went to Hooters in New York City. The talent was awful. It must've been Open Mic Night. They let ANYBODY be a waitress now! The point of Hooters is to see... Hooters!!!

I swear, the host was a dude. A G@y Dude. This isn't Pooters. It's Hooters! I want a refund!

What the fRick! A g@y dude? Seriously? At Hooters?

NOTE TO G@Y GUYS: I still love you. But just imagine you go to your favorite g@y dance club and instead of all the bartenders being hot dudes, they were chicks with big soft yucky breasts! Eeeeeewww!!!

Our waitress didn't even have hooters. Again, there's nothing wrong with small-boobied women. I've dated them, loved them, cuddled them. But when I go to HOOTERS, I expect... I don't know... HOOTERS!!!

It's like if you went into the Häagen-Dazs store and they replaced all the ice cream with broccoli. You'd be like, "Hey! I came here for 2 generous scoops of soft white vanilla! And where are my 2 chocolate scoops that I love to lick? Aaaah!"

It's not as if Hooters has great food or great service or clean silverware. The ONLY redeeming quality of this crappy-excuse-for-an-overpriced-restaurant are the women with over-sized snuggle-bubbles.

I'm sure at one point, Hooters must've hired women with Hooters. Because how in the hell did the place get so popular?

But then there must've been a bad decision by the Hooters Board of Directors:

HOOTERS CEO: Thank you for attending this emergency board meeting. HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!

EVERYONE: HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!

HOOTERS CEO: I've been looking at the bottom line, and gentlemen... Hooters is sagging.

VP OF HOOTERS: Hooters is sagging!

HOOTERS CEO: And nothing is worse than saggy Hooters. We need to show growth.

VP OF HOOTERS: Hooters needs to get bigger!

HOOTERS CEO: We need to show the shareholders our assets.

VP OF HOOTERS: Nobody likes to see aging Hooters!

HOOTERS CEO: We need to transform our beloved Hooters. Hooters will go from a place where not just guys love to stick their heads in -- but entire families should be cozying up in Hooters.

YOUNG HOOTER: Um, sir, but won't this upset our core customer base of horny young men? This group doesn't like anyone to mess with their Hooters.

HOOTERS CEO: It's time for a new kinder, gentler Hooters. I envisioning Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, Friends, even Grandparents squeezing into Hooters.

YOUNG HOOTER: These are very different groups. You're asking Hooters to juggle?

HOOTERS CEO: I've thought about it... and this is for the breast....

And that is why Hooters sucks.

I remember back-in-da-day when I went to college in Cleveland, we had a Fraternity event at Hooters for Rushees. We had to apologize to the rushees for the poor quality of hooters. In Cleveland, we were ashamed of our Hooters.

I know Hooters USED to be quality because my dad used to have a Hooters V.I.P. card. I'm not sure if that's super-sad or super-cool. But I know today, he wouldn't be caught super-dead inside a crappy Hooters restaurant.

Now here in New York, there is a much better place to go for beautiful squeeze 'ums and overpriced food... The Hawaiian Tropic Restaurant.

The food is actually pretty good. And the place attempts to be upscale by having lighting effects, music, and napkins.

And the girls don't wear goofy orange shorts. They're all wearing bikinis! Woo-hoo! What I'm saying is, if I'm going to pay $22 for a hamburger, at the very least I want it to come with a side of OH-MY-GOD-LOOK-AT-THOSE-YAM-YAMS!!!